Finding a way to bring Dad home...

Dad has been gone for far too long and I think it is time that You gave him back. You've had your time with my Dad. We've had our time with him gone. And now we would all like him home, with us, where he belongs. My Dad's chair sits emtpy when it should be filled with his body. Our house is quiet, when it should be filled with his laughter. His motorbike is still, when it should be zooming at great speeds with Dad's riding. 

You have the ability to turn back time and make this all a dream. You can alter the world and bring Dad home, where he belongs. You don't need to have my Dad just yet because we need him. I would give you anything, God, if you could bring Dad back to us all healed from the cancer. You can make this Dad-shaped absence all a bad dream, where we can wake up and see Dad back again.

Please find a way to bring my Dad home.....

Life is a sweet lie...death is the painful truth

I don't know what to write. I don't know what to say. My Dad was suppose to be healed. He was suppose to be fixed and cured. On Monday 16th July this year my Dad, who is the most amazing man ever, died. That week is such a blur that it's hard to recall what happened when. It's hard to recall what was said between us.
My Mum and Dad had been on a holiday to Cornwall. They'd had a good time and although dad had some really bad days he had managed. He had started to have difficulties swallowing food, no matter how soft it was and he was losing weight. When they came back from their holiday, I remember dad looking quite frail but we all thought that it was because he'd been walking loads and doing a lot; that maybe he was just exhausted and needed a rest. Dad's pain began to get worse, so he phoned St Barnabas hospice for help. They had helped him before, so we were all hoping they would help him again.
We were expecting Dad to go in and get his pain meds adjusted and then for him to be out in a week or so. He went in on the Thursday 5th July. They had started to sort out his meds and he was laughing and joking with us. Yes he was still in excrutiating pain and I hated seeing him hurting so much but we all thought he was coming home. On the 13th July Mum got a phonecall and I left work early. The doctor had seen dad and it was bad news. They explained that Dad was deteriorating very quickly and that we should prepare for the worst. I asked how long they thought he had and the nurse explained that they could not give a time because everyone is different. I asked whether they were talking months or weeks. She said, 'You'd be lucky if it was weeks.'  I am pretty sure that I forgot how to breathe and I wanted to say something but the huge lump in my throat stopped me.

I remember going back into the room with Dad. He looked so frail. He was chatting to us, although he was drifting in and out of consciousness because of the drugs. He cracked a few jokes. I was hoping so much that the nurses had got it wrong. It was hard to talk to Dad because I couldn't control the wobble in my voice and I didn't want him to hear that I was upset. I prayed so hard that night for my Dad to be ok. We went back on Saturday and he wasn't much better. He told me that he loved me. I told him that I loved him. Again it was so hard not to cry. We had joked previously that no one wants a bunch of bawlers at their bedside. As I sat there holding his hand I prayed for God to give my Dad his love, to feel peace and to be fixed. I have no idea whether any of it happened. I know that God didn't fix my Dad.

On Saturday evening I text my Dad telling him that I loved him so much and that I was praying for him. I wasn't expecting a reply but he did reply. I cried so hard because I knew that this would be the last text that I would get. I still have his text on my phone but I can't read it yet. It makes me cry so much. I love my Dad and he is the best Dad ever.

On Sunday 15th we all went to the hospice. We moved Dad into a private room. He was in so much pain but he had been able to eat some grapes, so I thought that we had got lucky and God was actually doing something. But Dad didn't get any better from that point. Mum and I stayed at the hospice that night. I didn;t want to leave him. He shouldn't have to do anything on his own. He thanked me for staying and said that he loved me and gave me a kiss. Mum and I swapped shifts in the night so that she could sleep. I held his hand.
On Monday 16th he wasn't able to stand by himself anymore because he just wasn't strong enough. He was all bone. It was so odd. It had all happened so quickly. He only went in for pain relief.

Dad started to become restless and wanted to go to the toilet but he wasn't strong enough to push the wee out. So the nurse wanted to put in a catheter. She said Icould stay in the room but I said to said that I would leave, so he could have his dignity. Mum went in at that point and I had breakfast that the nurses gave me. Once they had got Dad dressed, I went back in and we were all talking. Dad wanted to be in the chair so we got him in it. Dad was very restless. He wanted to be out of the chair and it took a lot of nurses to fight him back into it. The nurse had previously explained that towards the end of life people get extremely restless and start to fight it. This was what we thought was happening to Dad and it was heart breaking to see. This was my Dad. I wanted to fight for him but there was nothing that Icould do.

Dad was sedated because of his pain, so they gave him some stronger pain killers. Dad didn't speak again. He didn't smile again. He didn't laugh again. He didn't tell us another joke. I was holding his hand all the time and talking to him. I told him that everything was going to be ok and that it was ok. At 6.58pm my Dad stopped breathing. He was so still. He took his final breath seconds later and a huge Dad shaped hole has been left. I wish so much that he would come back and fill it; that this nightmare would end and my Dad would be alive and well. I miss you so much Dad. xxxxxxxxxx

A whirlwind of a moment...

I can't remember the last thing that I posted. Life moves so fast and one day quickly becomes a week and then a month and before you know it...time has escaped.

My dad isn't receiving anymore treatment despite the cancer now, 'behaving aggressively' and there being a build up of fluid. Mum is now on sabatical leave to spend her time with Dad. Dad is also now on oxygen to help him with his breathing because the cancer has pretty much consumed the lung. 

I feel shattered. I hate seeing my dad on the oxygen and I hate not being able to do anything when he is screaming in pain. I just wish this wasn't happening. :( I just wish this would all go away so I can have my Dad back. He's starting to look as though he is losing weight. I looked at a picture of us from before we found out about all of this and he looks wuite different. It's scary seeing the change.

I don't like what is coming either. I know there is no point stressing over the future because it is not here at the moment but when I see dad on one of his bad days, all I can think of is how much worse it's going to get. I know things will get worse. I know there will be more pain and I know that there is nothing I can do to protect him. God is erm...well I'm not sure what he's doing at the moment. I do know that considering we had a rubbish prognosis, my Dad is still here with us and still doing things on good days.

Life just goes so quickly...I want it to slow down so that we have loads of time with Dad. I can't imagine our family without him. I don't know how Mum will cope. I hope she will keep going but I don't know if she will. There are far too many, 'I don't knows!!'

 

Life is ups and downs

So lots of things have been happening. My Dad has been to hospital several times to have operations to kill the nerves causing pain. The first time it did not work and Dad was in agonising pain and he had to go back in almost straight away. He's now had four operations. He went to the oncologist recently and the oncologist has now said that he won't offer any more treatments because the cancer is too far progressed for chemo to make any difference. The nurse also said that dad's oxygen levels are too low. At the moment he does not need to have extra oxygen but his breathing is getting worse. Dad said that it is getting worse because the cancer is filling up the space of his lung. He also said that he doesn't feel as though he has his ten year plan left in him. That is really hard to take in. It's all a little too much to take in. I knew that Dad wouldn't want to take anymore treatment but I never thought that the offer of treatment would be taken away. That isn't good at all. Dad said that he isn't giving in and giving up but that he wants to enjoy what is left.

We're talking about his funeral and he found a lovely poem but Mum doesn't want to acknowledge the situation which is frustrating. Dad didn't chooset his and he doesn't have a choice to ignore it, so why should Mum? I love her to bits but she needs to start facing things.

Dad has an appointment next week with the nurse who will discuss with him the Do Not Resuscitate form and the will to live form. Again, mum doesn't want a part of it. I said to Dad that I would be there if he wanted a hand to hold.

I don't want my Dad to die. I can see the coming months becoming harder and harder. I am not looking forward to it at all. :(

Please save my Dad... :'(

So I haven't blogged in a while and figured I should. Lots have been happening. Dad has finsihed his 3 week treatment of radiotherapy and he seemed to do quite well with it. He has had a few times when he has been in a lot of pain but it seems to be less than the chemo gave him. I really hope it has worked. We're all in limbo now as we're not really sure what happens next. I don't think there is any more treatment and if there is, I'm not sure if Dad will accept it. So it's kind of a...what comes next? No one really wants to think about the what comes next part. I hope it doesn't come for years. Dad mentioned again the other day about sorting out his funeral. I have found a reading. Not sure if I'd be able to stand up there and read it without crying though but I'd give it a good go. Still looking for music. Nothing really seems appropriate. Not sure where God is or what He's doing exactly. Dad's cancer is now in the lung and no one is really saying what good the treatment has done. However, God is here. My Dad is still alive and still strong. So God is definitely here. At least I pray that He is.
I don't want to lose Dad. I can't imagine what life would be like without him. He is my Dad and he doesn't deserve this. I love my Dad loads and I just want him to live! Please save my Dad God. xxx

Life moves quick when you stop paying attention!

So there have been lots and lots of different things happening since my last blog. I can't beliee just how much has happened! Dad went into St Barnabus hospice so that they could help with his pain control. He was in so much pain it was agony to watch. They were amazing and his pain has been controlled. This means he can do things again and this has also given him a better fight to live :). While Dad was in the hospice and going through his chemo, my nan (Mum's mum) started to complain about not having out attention and saying she was ill. We took her to the doctors many times in one week and they all said the same thing. They all said that she had a water infection that had taken hold and she just needed to take the pills. But nan appeared to not be taking the pills. She said she was confused. Doctors sais that a water infection can do that to older ladies. So they continued to treat her for the water infection. We were more concerned with Dad though because he was back in for chemo and in tonnes of pain. Nan wanted to live with us but we couldn't risk Dad catching what she might have. I took her to the hospital with Cherie and the doctor gave her more pills again for a water infection. We were all just wanting nan to take her bloody pills, so that we could focus on Dad. But nan still insisted that she wasn't well and even though the doctors were all saying the same thing, we figured the best thing for nan while we were dealing with Dad would be to place nan into hospital. At least in there they could take care of her, make sure she was eating and taking her pills. We figured she'd be out within 2/3weeks was the infection was treated. We visited nan most nights and she was sometimes quite mean to Mum. The doctors kept changing their minds on what was wrong with her. They said it was a social cognitive thing, then they said it was depression, then they said it was an infection. So we thought it was a good job nan was in there. At least they could look after her. Then Dad went into the hospice, so we couldn't see nan that week. Her friends were going in to see her but I wanted to be there for Dad and once he was ok, then we would go and see Nan. Well life is a bitch sometimes. It likes to remind us that things don't work in our orders. Nan deteriotated massively in that week. She lost her ability to speak and lost a lot of her motor control. She was wetting herself and it was all so odd. We didn't know what had happened to her because the doctors had said it was a water infection. Nan wasn't suppose to get worse. She was suppose to get better, so that we could be there for her once we had sorted Dad.

But Nan didn't get better. She got worse and worse. In the space of a few weeks she went from being Nan to a woman that didn't look like Nan at all. One doctor came to look at nan and said he suspected it was CJD. He was right. There is no cure for CJD. So in a way it was a good job that Nan didn't know or find out what it was because she would have been terrified! Hopefully she didn't know what was happenin but I suspect she did :(. I did go and pray with her, while she still had some understandig of who I was and this seemed to relax her a little. It was quite scary doing this in front of Mum though. Mum doesn't believe. Nan did though. Nan died on the 10th July. I've never seen a dead person before. It wasn't very nice. I miss Nan. She was a mean woman to Mum and I didn't like her for the way she treated Mum but she was a good Nan.

Dad had another CT scan done as well. The scan showed more cancer growth. The oncologist said that this shows the treatment is not working and so treatment would be stopped. But this man was comparing this CT scan to a scan done 12 weeks prior to Dad starting chemo. So that growth could have happened then. I prayed that Dad would get another chance. That this wasn't it. God answered that prayer. Dad saw his normal oncologist who said it was worth continuing treatment because the scan doesn't show a true picture. Dad only has two more treatments to go now. He goes in on Sunday for chemo 5. The oncologist has also suggested that Dad undergoes radiotherapy everyday for three weeks on his shoulder. Nana sid that Dad will not like that because he will feel like he is burning. We're not telling Dad that part.

I'm a little cross with Mum. I love her to pieces and she has been amazing with all of this. She has been very strong for all of us and I can't imagaine what she must be feeling having just lost her Mum and knowing that she'll lose Dad. But I am a little cross. Dad is undergoing chemo for us and for Mum. If he had a choice he wouldn't be doing it. He doens't want the treatment. But he is fighting for us and for Mum. Prior to chemo Dad has to go to the hospital to have his bloods checked etc and to have scans. Mum won't go with him tomorrow because she, 'can't cope with anymore negativity.' Well Dad can't do this on his own. It's not his fault he has cancer. He can't pick and choose when he faces it or not. He doesn't have a choice. It's not his fault and so he shouldn't have to go through any part of this alone. I hate the thought of cancer and I hate what is happening. But I will not have him go through any of this alone. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and get on with things. Burying heads in the sand doesn't help Dad. It leaves him to face this on his own and I won't allow that to happen. I am going with him to the hospital. Mum said we were all in this together. So we need to be together regardless of how bad things get. You can't walk away when it gets too much because Dad can't walk away. I'm thankful that God doens't walk away when things get tough. I'm getting the feeling I'll be needing some of his strength soon.

Dad has begun to plan his funeral. I have found a nice reading. Rick and Jamie don't want to think about it and Mum doesn't want anything to do with it because she can't cope with it. Well I don't like the thought of it either. I would much rather stick my head in the sand and pretend that none of this is happening. But we're a family and I love Dad. And as I said before; I won't let him face any of this alone. So I am helping him to plan his funeral. He has looked at the coffin that he might have and looked at the hearse. It's a motorbike one! Dad said he will have a church service and then to the crematoriom. We have discussed where he wants to be scattered. Mum doesn't want the curtains to close round the coffin but I want them to close and Dad said he would want them to shut. But Mum doesn't want them to. How is that closure if they are still open?!!??!?!?!?!?!?! We need to look at music. Dad loves Les Miserable, so I was thinking one of the songs from there. I really don't want Dad to die. I certainly don't want him to die anytime soon! I also pray and I hope that Dad becomes a Christian before his dies. Please!!!

xx

Still fighting the battle

So Dad had another scan and the cancer is back quite considerably. The oncologist wanted him to have chemotherapy again and has said Dad has 12months ish with treatment. He wanted Dad to have the super drug called 'permetrexed' but we were told that Lincoln pct would not fund this drug, so instead they wanted to give Dad a less effective drug than the last one. Well what was the point in that?!!? So we fought the decision. We appealed it and wrote to our mp and I prayed. I find it disgusting that my Dad's life is dependent on some jobs-body in a suit more concerned with money than life. Cancer treatment should not be a postcode lottery. People with cancer have enough things to worry over without adding the 'am I living in the right place to receive the most effective treatment?!?!' It's disgusting. Anyway good news is that the decision was overturned and Dad was granted the drug. We were very pleased but I don't think Dad was as keen. He doesn't want chemo again because of the last lot. But he is giving it another go for us.

So Dad had the first cycle 3 weeks ago. It was different this time round. He was in excrutiating pain and really ill for the first week but then began to pull out of it. He doesn't want chemo. I can see it in his eyes. I can see the fear in Mum's eyes and in Dad's eyes and there is nothing I can do. Dad is in so much pain. I can't believe that he is having to go through this. He doesn't deserve this at all. He's my Dad and I love him. He has shown such amazing stamina and strength. I try to imagine how he is feeling but as I've never experienced anything like this myself it's hard to understand just what he is going through. Dad is frustrated because he can't get us to understand and no one really knows what it is like for Dad and Mum is getting stressy because she doesn't know what to do. Cancer doesn't just attack a person physically but it hits them emotionally, mentally and then it attacks the relationships around them. I'm praying on this. Relationships are important and cancer isn't going to steal them away.

Dad is back in hospital tonight for the second cycle. It was a killer leaving him. He looks so vulnerable and scared. I wish I could help him. I wish I could make this all right. I wish screaming at God would make Him fix it but I don't feel as though I'm battling against God in this now. I know that God is here and He is doing something. I don't know what it is but all I can do is have faith that it's going to be for good.

I'm trying hard not to worry about things. There is a lot going on at the moment but all we can do is take one day at a time. I can't alter what is happening but I can support Mum and Dad in it. Shouting and screaming and cursing God or blaming God isn't going to change the situation. It isn't going to make it ok or fix everything. So the choices I have to keep going is 1) spend my time casting blame and being angry and asking why? why us? why Dad? why isn't God healing Dad?Why is this happening? Why are there bad things in the world? or 2) I can think..what now? what next? What can I do to help? What can I do to trust in God more? How can we pull through this? What next God?

I think option 2 is better. It moves your mind into action and not to sit dwelling on a situation that is here whether we like it or not.

I'll be praying for my Dad tonight; that he isn't alone and that he feels love and peace. I'll be praying for the chemo to work and that Dad will have strength to continue this fight. Even if you're not a believer...every little prayer helps...
I love you Dad xxxxxxxx