The longest week has yet to end...

"Go back to work. It will be a good distraction." they said. "Do something and it will take your mind of it." they said. "Return to a routine, it will do you good." they said. Well I have been back to work and this has been the longest frigging week of my life. THE LONGEST WEEK!! and it's only Wednesday. (Well technically it's Thursday as it is 1.07am) but still. Only half way through the week. This is shit. This is all shit. All around me people are moving on. All around me people's lives are continuing. Our life has stopped. It's just stopped and I don't feel angry yet. I haven't met angry yet. I've been agitated and frustrated at myself. But I haven't hit the anger stage yet. Oh wait...I just googled grief. This is hilarious in a not so funny way.

So according to this model of grief I am at the anger stage. I am irritated when people try to make small talk and attempt to make me laugh because they don't pick up on the signals that I don't want to talk. It's not my fault if you can't cope with silence. Stop talking to me. I don't feel like laughing. When I want to laugh I will. If I want to sit in silence, I will. Stop talking to me. If this makes you feel uncomfortable please leave and come back later when I am going to be more talkative. Maybe. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate your kindness or your friendship. It just means I don't want to talk. I don't have the energy to engage in a meaningless conversation.

I am also, according to this, in the depression and detachment stage. Trust me to have more than one issue! Lack of energy and as I have just read on a different diagram it's the,"It's all meaningless" stage. I certainly feel like that. I also find that I'm in the Dialogue and bargaining stage as I write this blog. Does that count as reaching out to others? I don't know. All I know is that life is shit and I am up writing this instead of sleeping. I tried to sleep. I drank some camomile tea (ergh) and turned the t.v down low and tried to relax. But tonight is a night of no sleep and it's a night of missing Luke. Every night is a night of missing Luke. How can he be gone?

I think it's crazy how you're not offered help until 6 months after the event. 6 months. If I was any less than the person I am, I could have topped myself by now. 6 months is an awfully long time to just be left to deal with it. I am exhausted but not sleepy. What is going on? I am supposed to be up and at work in the morning. I haven't made it in before 10am yet. My body just doesn't work. Sometimes I am wide awake when the alarm goes off and other times I appear to fall back to sleep. There is no consistency. I thought going back to work would alter my routine and make me sleep, but it hasn't. It hasn't helped. Worked hasn't fixed anything. I need to work though because I keep buying shit and I have bills to pay for.

It has been 4 months since I gave Luke a kiss and a cuddle. Still only feels like yesterday. This evening my mind is filled of that night when I was called to go to camp or go home. Tonight all I think is, "I should have been there for you. I should have been there to hold your hand. I should have been there with you." But I didn't know. I didn't know you were in trouble because nobody told me. I didn't know that you were fighting for your life, while I sat in the staff room for the staff meeting. They wouldn't let me see you. They wouldn't let me hold you. I just got ushered into the chapel on camp. They wouldn't let me be there for you. I should have been there for you. I should have held you. I wish they had let me go to you. They wouldn't let me. They wouldn't take me to you.

Tonight I remember sitting in that room. Waiting. I remember being taken to the chapel. I remember wanting to see you and wanting this to all be a mistake. This sort of shit shouldn't happen to us. It should happen to someone else. Not us. Not you. It's almost 2am. What the hell?

I had to go shopping tonight. It was shit shopping without you. I didn't want to be shopping and having to choose things for one. I'm suppose to be a two. I am suppose to be yours. I still haven't worked out what I am now but I know what I was.

I don't have any great words of wisdom or advice. I am still fighting. I am still choosing to live without you Luke, even on the hardest of days. I wish I could just curl up under my duvet and just wait for you to return. I don't understand why you took your bike. I don't understand why the van had to be there. I don't understand why they couldn't start your heart again. I don't understand any of this and I probably never will. How are we all suppose to carry on? How are we suppose to move forwards?

There is no man on this world that can come anywhere close to you. You just need to come home. You need to walk through that door. You need to be home with me. You need to be here. It isn't fair that you've left me to live our life without you. This is not our story. This should not be how our story ends. So bloody come home!


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx