Just a ramble of thoughts

So the inquest is over. I don't feel relief or closure or any better. The van driver was there. I went to the inquest feeling sorry for him. I left the inquest wanting to punch him in the face. Even now thinking about it, I want to punch him in his face. Repeatedly!! I don't believe he's innocent. I don't believe he's telling the whole truth. I don't believe that he was concentrating yet still failed to see Luke. I've been round that bend. It isn't sloped and you can see oncoming traffic...if you were bothering to pay attention. I don't believe he was paying attention. Why did his vehicle come to rest so far past Luke? Why didn't he fucking brake??? dickhead. He showed no remorse. He showed no emotion. He didn't look at any of us. Even if he was innocent (which I don't believe) you'd think he would say something or look like he was sorry. I would be sorry if I was him. There was a cause to Luke's accident. I believe it was the van driver.

It is 5.06am and I woke up about an hour ago. I saw Luke and he was alive. He had scars from the accident but he was alive. But then I woke up and it's all very confusing and surreal! So now I am wide awake. I wish s much Luke was here.  I wish we could all wake up and realise that all of this has just been one big nightmare and that Luke is alive. I wish we had been married and danced the night away. I don't understand why Luke had to miss out.

Yesterday I did something that would have made Luke laugh and I cried because of this. My biscuit fell off in my tea! Luke would have laughed a lot at me and I ached for his laughter and teasing, but it never came. I never heard him laugh and I didn't see him smiling at me. I missed his quick waddle walk out to the kitchen to save the day with a teaspoon. I missed you Luke.

Smiling is hard. Carrying on without you feels impossible and gut wrenching. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. There are so many events I wish you were a part of. We've just had Easter and I know you would have eaten the ears from my chocolate rabbit again, just like you did the other year. You would have bought me creme eggs because I loved eating them and then you would sing the fat song as I tucked in to them. I didn't buy creme eggs this year. It's the very first time ever that I haven't had a creme egg. But I just couldn't bare to eat one knowing I wasn't going to hear your voice. Silly I know. It's just an egg.

I made scrambled egg the other afternoon and it needed a little extra in it. I had chorizo in the fridge and I thought of adding it like you always did for your breakfast. Then I cried and left it in the fridge. How is it fair that I'm allowed to continue to live and breathe but you are not? I couldn't make the same eggs that you used to make. It hurt too much. I know that's silly. It was just a bit of chorizo and scrambled egg. But it was missing you.

The house looks as though you will come home one day. Everything is as you left it. (Except for the flood damaged stuff). Your cereal is as it was when you left. Your healthy snacks are still in the cupboard. Foods that you eat but I don't remain in the freezer and cupboard. I don't know why I am keeping them because you are not coming back to eat them but I can't bring myself to bin them. It feels too definite and too final. I don't want to bin parts of you, which again seems ridiculous because it's just food that isn't going to be eaten. You wouldn't want me holding on like this. I know you wouldn't but I can't let go. I don't want to let go.

It's very tiring living everyday without you. I wonder what you would say and the unspoken conversations that we might have had. I imagine your looks that you would give me when I did something daft. I wonder what we might have done this Easter. I know we spoke about going snowboarding as a last minute deal. Then I wonder if you would have been posted away somewhere. I think of all the things we spoke about doing and I'm afraid that I won't be able to complete them. They're just not the same without you. They're not dreams without you.

I still don't believe you are gone yet everything around me is screaming at me that you are. Your jammies are still on the bed. Your man room is still covered with things on the floor how you left it. I have removed your work clothes though. That was hard. But I imagine you would have been ok with that first step. You weren't a huge fan of your uniform! I only managed to do a bag and that was me done for the day. You aren't suppose to leave me to live our life without you Perryman!

I'm still losing time. Things still take me a long time to do. I find if I have company and friends here then I'm better and I get sorted relatively quickly but when it's just me...time runs away and before I'm dressed and ready to start the day it' already late afternoon. I'm not even sure what I do. I think perhaps I sit and think of you.

Everything is just so empty. I feel empty without you. I still don't know what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what my life is suppose to look like now or where it is suppose to lead. I only ever wanted to be a wife to an amazing man. That was my dream and I found you, which made my dream just perfect. But you're gone and we're gone and the dream is gone. So what now?

You're supposed to be here. You're supposed to hold me and I'm supposed to be snuggled up to you. I miss you Perryman and I love you so much. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx