So I haven't blogged in a while. I am not sure what I think or feel at the moment. I have looked at all the work I need to do and I just can't get my mind on it. Teaching is fun and I am loving it, but I am finding it harder and harder to focus on this. At the weekends I want to spend time with my family. I want to be with Dad. Our house is being redecorated so that Mum does not need to worry about it when Dad is gone. I don't like this forward thinking planning ahead. I would much rather bury my head in the sand...perhaps I should be an ostrich?!? I don't want to think about the future or what is going to happen. Dad has been in a lot of pain recently. He went to see the oncologist the other day and the oncologist has said that the cancer does not appear to have grown since May. This is great news!! However, it does not explain Dad's pain. He is taking a lot of morphine. I can't get my head around what has happened. I keep thinking that Dad has had treatment so now he should be getting better and now he should be ok and well. But it isn't that way. Part of me is terrified that things are just going to get worse from here. That there is no getting better...this is as good as it is going to get. The bible says that whatever you ask in J.C's name it will be given...but I can't see how this is true. Because my Dad still has cancer. My Dad is still in pain...despite my prayers and heart pleas for this to be changed. So how come sometimes we see the word of the bible come to life and other times we do not?
I think quite often...maybe there isn't a God and we were all brainwashed and conned. But then I look at all the good things that have happened, and where I am today. I didn't get here alone. My dad was lucky to be able to have the surgery. He is lucky to still be here today. It was lucky that the cancer was detected when it was. It could be much much worse. So in my heart I know that there is a God.
But then I have wondered, if there is a God...I thought- maybe He isn't the good, just God that has been previously protrayed to us. Maybe God isn't this being that loves us, cares for us and wants the best for us. Maybe God is this thing that got bored and so we were created for his games and entertainment. Maybe God doesn't care about any of us and He does not see us as his children. He just sees us as toys that he can treat how He wants because He owns us. Even those that do not believe are owned and God intervenes and manipulates as He feels like. Maybe God actually looks to build up our hopes and dreams, he looks to gain our trust and then seeks to crush and hurt us. Maybe he seeks to break us in all the ways He knows will hurt the most; in the ways that He knows will cause us the most pain and anguish. Maybe.
This would explain why some are healed and others are not. This would explain why some things appear to be worked for good...and others are left to shatter and fall around our feet, leaving us with no way of catching the pieces. Leaving us with an emptiness, a longing for understanding and hope, a great big pit of nothingness but hate and anger at the chaos that has and is forming. Maybe.
But if I believe God to be this manipulative, uncaring and spiteful thing then what is the point. If God is not good, caring and loving, if God is not seeking to give us life then that leaves this situation with no hope. It leaves this situation with no good. It leaves life with no hope and no goodness. It makes the good things in life an illusion and a trick; designed purely to build us up to make the fall even harder when we do fall. It leaves this life with nothing but death. And if there is no life and only death then surely we should all just give up the fight, ruin God's game and die. If there is no good and no hope in the world...then this really isn't a place I want to live and exist in. It makes each unknown second a trap of pain/uncertainty and despair.
BUT I know that this is not the way and that God is not against us. I know that God isn't bad. How? because we all feel in our hearts that to just die is wrong. Even in deep dark black situations, we still have in our hearts a fight. A fight to escape where we are. To reach a place that is lighter and filled with peace and hope. A fight to be in a better place than where we currently are. We fight to see good. We fight to see justice. We fight to make right the things that are wrong. We have placed within us a fight for life. When placed in a life or death situation, human beings develop survival instincts and we fight to live. Why would we have this if God wanted death for us? Why would we have this if there is nothing good? Why would we have this if there is no hope? I know that I would rather trust in a God that is for me, than a God that is against me. And even though right now it is extremely difficult to see how He is for us, I am placing my faith that He is. God is good. He is fighting in our corner and somehow He is woring some good from the cancer. I don't know what this is or how this looks. But the alternative to this is option is devastating.
So how does this conclusion that God exists, is for us and is good helping my families fight with cancer? Erm..I don't know. My faith that God loves and cares for us keeps me seeking and fighting against the cancer. I will keep praying for my Dad and I will fight and keep fighting for hope and light in this situation. Something has got to give...
