So...it's almost the end of this academic school year; to say I'm shattered is an understatement of huge proportions! There are only four working days left and after that I will probably not step back inside a school again. After 3 years as a teaching assistant, four years of teacher training and 6 years as a full time qualified teacher, I will not be returning to work in this profession in September or any other time after that.I am leaving the teaching profession.
I have written many times over this past year and a bit about being lost and not having control over my future; I have explained how losing Luke not only altered everything at that exact moment in time but in reality - every moment that has yet to happen.
Although Luke and I were very much intertwined as one, we were also lucky to have a relationship where we could be our own person. We had our own path, which quite remarkably, ran side by side and overlapped with each other. We had our own identity which slotted together so well for the future that we wanted; I was always going to be a teacher - and Luke was doing engineering/mechanical man stuff (either in the RAF or as a civvie). My routine of teaching fitted perfectly with Luke's crazy schedule of shifts and mountain biking and MMA and Tae Kwon Do and Brazilian Ju Jitsu and running and gyming and biking (plus any other hobbie he had going on!) We were two lives that just worked so well together as one.
So when Luke was taken from us, everything that should have been, dissipated and fell away. We weren't going to travel or live abroad. We weren't going to have our weird routines anymore. And devastatingly, our lives and paths would not need to flow side by side because Luke's had been cruelly and abruptly cut short. Our future paths could no longer spiral around each other because there was only one path left - mine- and my path couldn't continue in the same way that it had once been intended to. Teaching became a part of my story that wasn't possible anymore. To me, it was part of a lost future and a stolen life that I should have had but never will have with Luke. I tried so hard and for so long to cling to any part of our old life and our 'should have been' future and to resist anything new but I have come to realise that it just simply isn't possible. To try to cling to this lost future is, in actual fact, doing a disservice to Luke.
I am learning to accept that I cannot continue to walk my original route in the same way I had when Luke was by my side (usually causing mayhem!) If I am to regain any control over my future and direction of life then I can't drift my way through the days and just hope for the best. I can't just pretend that if I just stick it out in auto-pilot mode, doing the same things I had done with Luke and living the same routine of teaching, as I had with Luke, that life will get better or that I'll be able to find enjoyment again. I can't pretend that by continuing on this now derelict path that I'll somehow meet Luke again and discover that this phase of life has all just been one big, massive mistake and that Luke will come bouncing back into my life and all will be right in the world just as it was before...
But I'm not crazy (despite my behaviour sometimes) and I know that Luke is not coming home. I know that clinging to the impossible illusion of what we should have been is unhealthy and it's killing me bit by bit, piece by piece. Every time I become aware that our story has ended without being able to read the written ending another part of me breaks. Up to this point, I have been staring at our story, at the blank space where our 'happy ever after' was written, and trying to comprehend that it's been so unfairly ripped out and thrown away. I have been staring at this space and trying to imagine what would be written on them and trying to continue the story as though you're still here or that you'll reappear. But I'm not crazy or an idiot and I know that this is not a way to live. I cannot re-write our ending because that has already been done for us and as much as I want to be able to read our 'happy ever after' those pages have gone and been taken from me.
I know that attempting to continue to live a path and a story that no longer exists won't fix this. It won't enable me to live life and if I'm honest... that just isn't me. I am not that girl that just sits back and accepts a shitty situation as my only option. I'm not that girl that will continue with something simply because it is vaguely familiar. I am not that girl that will just accept a painful situation and put up with it, simply because it appears easier to remain with what I've become used to. I am the girl that will fight; no matter how hard or how long it will take. I am the girl that is saying; no more. This is not how I want my story to play out. (At least I am that girl today because today I'm feeling strong!)
I don't like living this ghost of a future - attempting to somehow recreate what we should have had or attempt to walk in the unmade footsteps that should have been. I don't want to continue 'our life' with just me and the only reason that I would attempt to do so is for some irrational notion that it would keep me close to you. Except living this life and this pretend future isn't going to lesson the distance that is now between us and also -more importantly- it isn't going to keep you closer to me. You wouldn't want me to live in the shadow of our lost future together. There are many things in our stolen future that I cannot control. There are parts that I have no choice but to live through without you. But there are some things that I can change.
Don't get me wrong - I hate change and I particularly hate it when it's been forced upon me. But I won't have my path dictated. Luke wouldn't want me to just drift through the days on auto-pilot. He wouldn't want me to just accept what is, especially if 'what is' is painful and making the remains of my life not worth living. He often said that if there is something you don't like then change it- no matter how hard it is, there is always the possibility to change it. So I'm changing it - I am changing the parts that are possible to change.
It's for this reason that I have chosen to close this chapter on teaching. Teaching is part of the ghost-of-a-future with Luke and the whole lifestyle as a teacher is part of a routine that I am no longer willing to do without Luke.
So the question is what is next? Well as of September I will be returning to university to retrain as a nurse. I want to be a trauma nurse and work within critical care or maybe cardiology. I am remaining open minded about this and I am going to just see which areas I prefer to work in. The career that I choose needs to make me happy and make me want to live for Monday to Sunday; not just living for a weekend or time off. I want the opportunity to rebuild and to find my love of life again.
This is a very scary step as everything I have known for the past 13 years has been teaching and working within the education sector. But I am ready to begin this new chapter of my life. I am ready to take that leap. Luke will always be my everything and I know that entering into this new chapter isn't going to separate me from him. Luke is my inspiration for making this change and choosing to live a life that he would be proud of.
Wish me luck!!
Love ya Perryman. A little bit... A LOT. xxxx