So I haven't blogged in a while and figured I should. Lots have been happening. Dad has finsihed his 3 week treatment of radiotherapy and he seemed to do quite well with it. He has had a few times when he has been in a lot of pain but it seems to be less than the chemo gave him. I really hope it has worked. We're all in limbo now as we're not really sure what happens next. I don't think there is any more treatment and if there is, I'm not sure if Dad will accept it. So it's kind of a...what comes next? No one really wants to think about the what comes next part. I hope it doesn't come for years. Dad mentioned again the other day about sorting out his funeral. I have found a reading. Not sure if I'd be able to stand up there and read it without crying though but I'd give it a good go. Still looking for music. Nothing really seems appropriate. Not sure where God is or what He's doing exactly. Dad's cancer is now in the lung and no one is really saying what good the treatment has done. However, God is here. My Dad is still alive and still strong. So God is definitely here. At least I pray that He is.
I don't want to lose Dad. I can't imagine what life would be like without him. He is my Dad and he doesn't deserve this. I love my Dad loads and I just want him to live! Please save my Dad God. xxx
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Thursday 11 August 2011
Life moves quick when you stop paying attention!
So there have been lots and lots of different things happening since my last blog. I can't beliee just how much has happened! Dad went into St Barnabus hospice so that they could help with his pain control. He was in so much pain it was agony to watch. They were amazing and his pain has been controlled. This means he can do things again and this has also given him a better fight to live :). While Dad was in the hospice and going through his chemo, my nan (Mum's mum) started to complain about not having out attention and saying she was ill. We took her to the doctors many times in one week and they all said the same thing. They all said that she had a water infection that had taken hold and she just needed to take the pills. But nan appeared to not be taking the pills. She said she was confused. Doctors sais that a water infection can do that to older ladies. So they continued to treat her for the water infection. We were more concerned with Dad though because he was back in for chemo and in tonnes of pain. Nan wanted to live with us but we couldn't risk Dad catching what she might have. I took her to the hospital with Cherie and the doctor gave her more pills again for a water infection. We were all just wanting nan to take her bloody pills, so that we could focus on Dad. But nan still insisted that she wasn't well and even though the doctors were all saying the same thing, we figured the best thing for nan while we were dealing with Dad would be to place nan into hospital. At least in there they could take care of her, make sure she was eating and taking her pills. We figured she'd be out within 2/3weeks was the infection was treated. We visited nan most nights and she was sometimes quite mean to Mum. The doctors kept changing their minds on what was wrong with her. They said it was a social cognitive thing, then they said it was depression, then they said it was an infection. So we thought it was a good job nan was in there. At least they could look after her. Then Dad went into the hospice, so we couldn't see nan that week. Her friends were going in to see her but I wanted to be there for Dad and once he was ok, then we would go and see Nan. Well life is a bitch sometimes. It likes to remind us that things don't work in our orders. Nan deteriotated massively in that week. She lost her ability to speak and lost a lot of her motor control. She was wetting herself and it was all so odd. We didn't know what had happened to her because the doctors had said it was a water infection. Nan wasn't suppose to get worse. She was suppose to get better, so that we could be there for her once we had sorted Dad.
But Nan didn't get better. She got worse and worse. In the space of a few weeks she went from being Nan to a woman that didn't look like Nan at all. One doctor came to look at nan and said he suspected it was CJD. He was right. There is no cure for CJD. So in a way it was a good job that Nan didn't know or find out what it was because she would have been terrified! Hopefully she didn't know what was happenin but I suspect she did :(. I did go and pray with her, while she still had some understandig of who I was and this seemed to relax her a little. It was quite scary doing this in front of Mum though. Mum doesn't believe. Nan did though. Nan died on the 10th July. I've never seen a dead person before. It wasn't very nice. I miss Nan. She was a mean woman to Mum and I didn't like her for the way she treated Mum but she was a good Nan.
Dad had another CT scan done as well. The scan showed more cancer growth. The oncologist said that this shows the treatment is not working and so treatment would be stopped. But this man was comparing this CT scan to a scan done 12 weeks prior to Dad starting chemo. So that growth could have happened then. I prayed that Dad would get another chance. That this wasn't it. God answered that prayer. Dad saw his normal oncologist who said it was worth continuing treatment because the scan doesn't show a true picture. Dad only has two more treatments to go now. He goes in on Sunday for chemo 5. The oncologist has also suggested that Dad undergoes radiotherapy everyday for three weeks on his shoulder. Nana sid that Dad will not like that because he will feel like he is burning. We're not telling Dad that part.
I'm a little cross with Mum. I love her to pieces and she has been amazing with all of this. She has been very strong for all of us and I can't imagaine what she must be feeling having just lost her Mum and knowing that she'll lose Dad. But I am a little cross. Dad is undergoing chemo for us and for Mum. If he had a choice he wouldn't be doing it. He doens't want the treatment. But he is fighting for us and for Mum. Prior to chemo Dad has to go to the hospital to have his bloods checked etc and to have scans. Mum won't go with him tomorrow because she, 'can't cope with anymore negativity.' Well Dad can't do this on his own. It's not his fault he has cancer. He can't pick and choose when he faces it or not. He doesn't have a choice. It's not his fault and so he shouldn't have to go through any part of this alone. I hate the thought of cancer and I hate what is happening. But I will not have him go through any of this alone. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and get on with things. Burying heads in the sand doesn't help Dad. It leaves him to face this on his own and I won't allow that to happen. I am going with him to the hospital. Mum said we were all in this together. So we need to be together regardless of how bad things get. You can't walk away when it gets too much because Dad can't walk away. I'm thankful that God doens't walk away when things get tough. I'm getting the feeling I'll be needing some of his strength soon.
Dad has begun to plan his funeral. I have found a nice reading. Rick and Jamie don't want to think about it and Mum doesn't want anything to do with it because she can't cope with it. Well I don't like the thought of it either. I would much rather stick my head in the sand and pretend that none of this is happening. But we're a family and I love Dad. And as I said before; I won't let him face any of this alone. So I am helping him to plan his funeral. He has looked at the coffin that he might have and looked at the hearse. It's a motorbike one! Dad said he will have a church service and then to the crematoriom. We have discussed where he wants to be scattered. Mum doesn't want the curtains to close round the coffin but I want them to close and Dad said he would want them to shut. But Mum doesn't want them to. How is that closure if they are still open?!!??!?!?!?!?!?! We need to look at music. Dad loves Les Miserable, so I was thinking one of the songs from there. I really don't want Dad to die. I certainly don't want him to die anytime soon! I also pray and I hope that Dad becomes a Christian before his dies. Please!!!
xx
But Nan didn't get better. She got worse and worse. In the space of a few weeks she went from being Nan to a woman that didn't look like Nan at all. One doctor came to look at nan and said he suspected it was CJD. He was right. There is no cure for CJD. So in a way it was a good job that Nan didn't know or find out what it was because she would have been terrified! Hopefully she didn't know what was happenin but I suspect she did :(. I did go and pray with her, while she still had some understandig of who I was and this seemed to relax her a little. It was quite scary doing this in front of Mum though. Mum doesn't believe. Nan did though. Nan died on the 10th July. I've never seen a dead person before. It wasn't very nice. I miss Nan. She was a mean woman to Mum and I didn't like her for the way she treated Mum but she was a good Nan.
Dad had another CT scan done as well. The scan showed more cancer growth. The oncologist said that this shows the treatment is not working and so treatment would be stopped. But this man was comparing this CT scan to a scan done 12 weeks prior to Dad starting chemo. So that growth could have happened then. I prayed that Dad would get another chance. That this wasn't it. God answered that prayer. Dad saw his normal oncologist who said it was worth continuing treatment because the scan doesn't show a true picture. Dad only has two more treatments to go now. He goes in on Sunday for chemo 5. The oncologist has also suggested that Dad undergoes radiotherapy everyday for three weeks on his shoulder. Nana sid that Dad will not like that because he will feel like he is burning. We're not telling Dad that part.
I'm a little cross with Mum. I love her to pieces and she has been amazing with all of this. She has been very strong for all of us and I can't imagaine what she must be feeling having just lost her Mum and knowing that she'll lose Dad. But I am a little cross. Dad is undergoing chemo for us and for Mum. If he had a choice he wouldn't be doing it. He doens't want the treatment. But he is fighting for us and for Mum. Prior to chemo Dad has to go to the hospital to have his bloods checked etc and to have scans. Mum won't go with him tomorrow because she, 'can't cope with anymore negativity.' Well Dad can't do this on his own. It's not his fault he has cancer. He can't pick and choose when he faces it or not. He doesn't have a choice. It's not his fault and so he shouldn't have to go through any part of this alone. I hate the thought of cancer and I hate what is happening. But I will not have him go through any of this alone. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and get on with things. Burying heads in the sand doesn't help Dad. It leaves him to face this on his own and I won't allow that to happen. I am going with him to the hospital. Mum said we were all in this together. So we need to be together regardless of how bad things get. You can't walk away when it gets too much because Dad can't walk away. I'm thankful that God doens't walk away when things get tough. I'm getting the feeling I'll be needing some of his strength soon.
Dad has begun to plan his funeral. I have found a nice reading. Rick and Jamie don't want to think about it and Mum doesn't want anything to do with it because she can't cope with it. Well I don't like the thought of it either. I would much rather stick my head in the sand and pretend that none of this is happening. But we're a family and I love Dad. And as I said before; I won't let him face any of this alone. So I am helping him to plan his funeral. He has looked at the coffin that he might have and looked at the hearse. It's a motorbike one! Dad said he will have a church service and then to the crematoriom. We have discussed where he wants to be scattered. Mum doesn't want the curtains to close round the coffin but I want them to close and Dad said he would want them to shut. But Mum doesn't want them to. How is that closure if they are still open?!!??!?!?!?!?!?! We need to look at music. Dad loves Les Miserable, so I was thinking one of the songs from there. I really don't want Dad to die. I certainly don't want him to die anytime soon! I also pray and I hope that Dad becomes a Christian before his dies. Please!!!
xx
Sunday 5 June 2011
Still fighting the battle
So Dad had another scan and the cancer is back quite considerably. The oncologist wanted him to have chemotherapy again and has said Dad has 12months ish with treatment. He wanted Dad to have the super drug called 'permetrexed' but we were told that Lincoln pct would not fund this drug, so instead they wanted to give Dad a less effective drug than the last one. Well what was the point in that?!!? So we fought the decision. We appealed it and wrote to our mp and I prayed. I find it disgusting that my Dad's life is dependent on some jobs-body in a suit more concerned with money than life. Cancer treatment should not be a postcode lottery. People with cancer have enough things to worry over without adding the 'am I living in the right place to receive the most effective treatment?!?!' It's disgusting. Anyway good news is that the decision was overturned and Dad was granted the drug. We were very pleased but I don't think Dad was as keen. He doesn't want chemo again because of the last lot. But he is giving it another go for us.
So Dad had the first cycle 3 weeks ago. It was different this time round. He was in excrutiating pain and really ill for the first week but then began to pull out of it. He doesn't want chemo. I can see it in his eyes. I can see the fear in Mum's eyes and in Dad's eyes and there is nothing I can do. Dad is in so much pain. I can't believe that he is having to go through this. He doesn't deserve this at all. He's my Dad and I love him. He has shown such amazing stamina and strength. I try to imagine how he is feeling but as I've never experienced anything like this myself it's hard to understand just what he is going through. Dad is frustrated because he can't get us to understand and no one really knows what it is like for Dad and Mum is getting stressy because she doesn't know what to do. Cancer doesn't just attack a person physically but it hits them emotionally, mentally and then it attacks the relationships around them. I'm praying on this. Relationships are important and cancer isn't going to steal them away.
Dad is back in hospital tonight for the second cycle. It was a killer leaving him. He looks so vulnerable and scared. I wish I could help him. I wish I could make this all right. I wish screaming at God would make Him fix it but I don't feel as though I'm battling against God in this now. I know that God is here and He is doing something. I don't know what it is but all I can do is have faith that it's going to be for good.
I'm trying hard not to worry about things. There is a lot going on at the moment but all we can do is take one day at a time. I can't alter what is happening but I can support Mum and Dad in it. Shouting and screaming and cursing God or blaming God isn't going to change the situation. It isn't going to make it ok or fix everything. So the choices I have to keep going is 1) spend my time casting blame and being angry and asking why? why us? why Dad? why isn't God healing Dad?Why is this happening? Why are there bad things in the world? or 2) I can think..what now? what next? What can I do to help? What can I do to trust in God more? How can we pull through this? What next God?
I think option 2 is better. It moves your mind into action and not to sit dwelling on a situation that is here whether we like it or not.
I'll be praying for my Dad tonight; that he isn't alone and that he feels love and peace. I'll be praying for the chemo to work and that Dad will have strength to continue this fight. Even if you're not a believer...every little prayer helps...
I love you Dad xxxxxxxx
So Dad had the first cycle 3 weeks ago. It was different this time round. He was in excrutiating pain and really ill for the first week but then began to pull out of it. He doesn't want chemo. I can see it in his eyes. I can see the fear in Mum's eyes and in Dad's eyes and there is nothing I can do. Dad is in so much pain. I can't believe that he is having to go through this. He doesn't deserve this at all. He's my Dad and I love him. He has shown such amazing stamina and strength. I try to imagine how he is feeling but as I've never experienced anything like this myself it's hard to understand just what he is going through. Dad is frustrated because he can't get us to understand and no one really knows what it is like for Dad and Mum is getting stressy because she doesn't know what to do. Cancer doesn't just attack a person physically but it hits them emotionally, mentally and then it attacks the relationships around them. I'm praying on this. Relationships are important and cancer isn't going to steal them away.
Dad is back in hospital tonight for the second cycle. It was a killer leaving him. He looks so vulnerable and scared. I wish I could help him. I wish I could make this all right. I wish screaming at God would make Him fix it but I don't feel as though I'm battling against God in this now. I know that God is here and He is doing something. I don't know what it is but all I can do is have faith that it's going to be for good.
I'm trying hard not to worry about things. There is a lot going on at the moment but all we can do is take one day at a time. I can't alter what is happening but I can support Mum and Dad in it. Shouting and screaming and cursing God or blaming God isn't going to change the situation. It isn't going to make it ok or fix everything. So the choices I have to keep going is 1) spend my time casting blame and being angry and asking why? why us? why Dad? why isn't God healing Dad?Why is this happening? Why are there bad things in the world? or 2) I can think..what now? what next? What can I do to help? What can I do to trust in God more? How can we pull through this? What next God?
I think option 2 is better. It moves your mind into action and not to sit dwelling on a situation that is here whether we like it or not.
I'll be praying for my Dad tonight; that he isn't alone and that he feels love and peace. I'll be praying for the chemo to work and that Dad will have strength to continue this fight. Even if you're not a believer...every little prayer helps...
I love you Dad xxxxxxxx
Monday 14 February 2011
It's all too hard.
I just want my Dad to live. I just want him to live without the pain and for the cancer to be gone. But God isn't listening and He isn't doing anything. I don't see how any of this can be for good and I am finding it extremely difficult to see God's hand in all this. Psalm 4:3 I think suggests that we look at our problems in the light of God's power instead of looking at God in the shadow of our problems. Well you try doing that while you stand and watch as cancer is trying to crush your Dad and let's see how you look at things. I am trying really hard but it is extremely difficult. I want to be positive. I want to say that I can see a happy end to this and that my Dad will be the first man to be cured of this. But when I watch him at night...it's so hard to hang to that hope. It's so hard to not be angry at God.
Thursday 27 January 2011
Ever wonder what the point is?
Everything is so crazy and thinga aren't really getting any easier. I don't understand. Where is God?? Dad is still in a lot of pain. This is beginning to be a bit of a problem. It's hard to believe that on the 18th January this year it had been a year since Dad's operation. This time last year we weren't sure if we'd be sharing this year with him. So I am really thankful that we are. I just wish that he wasn't in so much pain. The doctors told him the other week that he was on enough sedatives to kill an adult rhino and they were amazed that he was still breathing! WTF?!!!?? Surely they should have noticed what they were all giving him? I hate seeing Dad in pain. It hurts because there is absolutely nothing I can do. He is on controlled drugs, tens machine and acupuncture, and other pain killers. During the day time he is in pain but it is manageable. It is night times that are the worse. I hate hearing him cry in pain. It isn't right and he doesn't deserve this. My dad has worked bloody hard for us his entire life and now he is being punished for working so hard.
I've been attempting a bible reading thingy everyday [give or take a couple of days!] and so far each day has spoken about seeing God's work in all situations and having faith that He is good and that His hand is in even the worse of situations [coincidental?!?]. It has also mentioned a lot about these situations being allowed into our lives to try to strenthen our faith [or as the devil would like to do..disprove it.] Erm...not sure how to explain that. I'll try. Job had to face lots of crap and when I first read that in the old testament I didn't want to read anymore. Basically, the devil said to God, "Job is only so devoted to you because you have given him so much, but I bet he wouldn't have such faith if the situation was different." And God said..."uh-huh...I know you're wrong but play away.." So the devil did and he stripped everything from Job and sent lots of rubbish stuff his way. This is pretty shit..Job lost those he loved. I stopped reading anymore because I was angry that God would allow the devil to play such games and that God allowed harm to happen [especially as He is suppose to be a Father that protects us]. However, I had to re- read it this time because of my dumbass new years resolution to read the bible more often...which is when it occured to me that although lots of crap happend to Job, God still had control. God only allowed things to happen that Job could cope with [and sometimes this required doing it WITH God], and although there were some iffy moments in Job's faith...ultimately Job's faith was strengthened in God. Lots of people [me included] love God when things are going well and when it is easy to pick out the good in life. They have faith in God when it is easy to see God's hand in it. However, this world is a mess and broken and there is crap in it. God won't save us from it all because we [Adam and Eve being the knobs that they are] chose it to be this way. Sometimes we have to keep fighting to see God and sometimes we just have to cling to the fact that God is good and that He is in it. Sometimes we just have to keep taking taking those steps forwards and have faith that God is taking them with us. I think that is the point at the moment. ~Just having faith and clinging to it~
I've been attempting a bible reading thingy everyday [give or take a couple of days!] and so far each day has spoken about seeing God's work in all situations and having faith that He is good and that His hand is in even the worse of situations [coincidental?!?]. It has also mentioned a lot about these situations being allowed into our lives to try to strenthen our faith [or as the devil would like to do..disprove it.] Erm...not sure how to explain that. I'll try. Job had to face lots of crap and when I first read that in the old testament I didn't want to read anymore. Basically, the devil said to God, "Job is only so devoted to you because you have given him so much, but I bet he wouldn't have such faith if the situation was different." And God said..."uh-huh...I know you're wrong but play away.." So the devil did and he stripped everything from Job and sent lots of rubbish stuff his way. This is pretty shit..Job lost those he loved. I stopped reading anymore because I was angry that God would allow the devil to play such games and that God allowed harm to happen [especially as He is suppose to be a Father that protects us]. However, I had to re- read it this time because of my dumbass new years resolution to read the bible more often...which is when it occured to me that although lots of crap happend to Job, God still had control. God only allowed things to happen that Job could cope with [and sometimes this required doing it WITH God], and although there were some iffy moments in Job's faith...ultimately Job's faith was strengthened in God. Lots of people [me included] love God when things are going well and when it is easy to pick out the good in life. They have faith in God when it is easy to see God's hand in it. However, this world is a mess and broken and there is crap in it. God won't save us from it all because we [Adam and Eve being the knobs that they are] chose it to be this way. Sometimes we have to keep fighting to see God and sometimes we just have to cling to the fact that God is good and that He is in it. Sometimes we just have to keep taking taking those steps forwards and have faith that God is taking them with us. I think that is the point at the moment. ~Just having faith and clinging to it~
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