Love isn't forgotten in a year...

Why I left you no message on the anniversary of your death.

October 15th. It was a whole year since you left me. It was a whole year since I kissed you good bye and left for work. It was a whole year since I got to be held in your arms for a cheeky snuggle. A year since I received the news that you were never coming home again. I had lived an entire year without seeing you. 365 days of getting up and surviving your loss and of fighting through this feeling.

October 15th and I wake up to you missing. I'm not sure what I was expecting the day to feel like. I'm not sure if I was expecting it to be one of the hardest days yet or just another day. After all, we've already lived through the worst day, which was the day you never came home. I'm not even sure what I was supposed to feel. I chose to escape down to Devon to spend the week with your Mum and Dad in the hope that the day would be easier. I couldn't just sit in our home waiting. Waiting for the day to end and waiting to wake up from this endless nightmare of reality.

October 15th. A browse through facebook and I can see your friends remembering you and sending their love. I can see that they too are hurting and have remembered you. I'm sure you'd expect me to comment about this day and to write a big heart felt message of all that you mean to me but I can't. Not on this day. For me I don't want to mark this day and I'm not sure why or what sort of person that makes me. But I can't mark the day because in some way it is no different to any other day that I've woken up without you. I don't need an anniversary to remind me that you're missing or how much it hurts. I don't need an anniversary to re-live that day. Why? Because I relive our last moments together every time I open my eyes and turn to see your side of the bed - untouched and empty.

October 15th. The day itself was peculiar. The day itself, surprisingly, wasn't any harder than any other morning that I've woken up without you. I didn't suddenly remember that you were gone. I didn't suddenly remember the event that stole you from me. It wasn't suddenly harder being without you just because of that particular day. I'm not sure what to think to this. Perhaps it wasn't any harder because in my life EVERY day is hard. Everyday is an anniversary of your death. There isn't a single day that I can go through without thinking of you and what happened because I wake up to your absence every day. I wake up to you missing from us every day. I wake up to the reality of your death every day. The space where you should be sleeping is left empty every day. So I guess the year anniversary didn't suddenly make me remember what had happened because I live through that EVERY SINGLE DAY. In a way, that made the year anniversary just another day and I've adapted to get through a day (admittedly not very well but I'm doing it.) So I left you no message but you didn't leave my thoughts.

October 15th. It wasn't harder waking up without you but it did mark that a whole year has passed and I'm not sure how that's happened. Time really doesn't work the same when you've lost someone really important to you. It feels like it was only yesterday but it was a whole year ago. I never imagined that I would reach this point. I never imagined that I would make it through a whole year without you. But I have and it sucks.

The trouble with a year anniversary is that society thinks (and I admit that I also had the same misconception) that it's the first year that is the worst and that after that you'll start to be ok again. But I am discovering that this isn't how it works. Yes I have made it through a year but to me it's just another day. It's as hard today as it was when you first left. It's as hard today as it was after a week, a month, a year. It is not any easier and now I have to make it through an endless number of days without you. Each one with the same wake up and the same reality punch in the face.

So really what even is a year in terms of grief? Is it the marking of a moment when you should begin to heal? Is it the mark of when you should be rebuilding your life? Is it marking a moment of placing the past behind you and moving on? Is it the mark of time after losing someone of saying, "It's ok to be happy again"? Or is it marking a point where you are supposed to stop grieving for a life lost and just get on with things again? Is it the marking of time to stop hurting and to suddenly feel better with the situation? As someone who is currently experiencing this moment of time I can quite firmly state that the answer as NO. No. The passing of a year does not signal any of these things to me. It is nothing more than the marking of time passed. It does not mark feelings or healing. It is just a marking of time. It is marking the days that you have survived since losing a huge part of yourself. Luke Perryman it has been a year since you were here and laughing. I still can't get my head around this fact.

October 15th. A day that none of us will forget and a day that represents the moment all of our lives were irreversibly changed for the worst. This is the day that you lost your future and we lost you. Perhaps this is why the first anniversary is expected to be harder; because it brings the reality of a day that altered all of our paths. It reminds us that life rarely works how we plan it to work.

This date serves to remind us of that initial stab of pain when we learnt of you leaving. It brings back that moment of standing in the chapel being told you had died. It brings back the memories of driving around trying to find out where you had been taken, only to learn that you had been taken no where as you had died at the scene.

Yet strangely, I didn't exactly have these thoughts on this day. I didn't have these feelings on this day. I have had these thoughts on many other days but I didn't have the vivid reminders of the events of that evening on this day; the year anniversary. Not sure what sort of person that makes me. Don't get me wrong, as I said above, waking up without you on this day was as hard as it always is. I replayed our last morning together as I always do. But the anniversary of the evening when I lost you, I didn't feel. I was numb.

I thought of the events that had occurred at the times they happened. But I think my mind had numbed me to feeling at that moment. I remember thinking; this is the time you would have come off your bike. This is the moment I found out that something had happened to you. But I just felt numb. As though my mind didn't want me to re-live that experience again on this date.

October 15th.  I left you no message of great remembrance or love for all to see because I couldn't mark this day- the day you never came home. But don't think for a second that I didn't remember you. I remember you every day; regardless of the date.

I am discovering, as I have mentioned in previous posts, that what you want to do and expect to be able to do are very different to what you are actually capable of doing. I am trying to return to our old life. But it is proving to be exceptionally difficult. It just feels wrong to be living our old life with you missing. It just feels empty and wrong. It has been a year and despite how far I have come without you, I am now right back to taking each part of the day as it comes. Most mornings I am back to taking each task/moment as it comes and not being able to think past that.

So this morning, whilst laid in bed and not wanting to start yet another day, I had to think of the task of getting out of bed and putting on my dressing gown. After eventually managing this, the next task I thought of was letting Molly out for a wee. We had a little play before I fed her breakfast. That's as far as I could think of at that moment. I laid on the sofa for a considerable amount of time, before then deciding that I really should force some food down. So I set about the task of breakfast and a cup of tea for me (whilst pinching a pair of my pants out of Molly's mouth as she'd gotten into the clean wash pile!). I had previously made a list of jobs that needed doing but I can't face them yet. It is half 1 in the afternoon and I have only achieved getting up, feeding Molly and myself. This is not a very successful day.

The thing with grief is that is never lessens. The black void that covers your entire life does not shrink with time. Instead you have to work hard to make your life larger than the grief. You have to create a life to work around the grief. Easier said than done. Keeping this in mind, I am attempting to try different methods to do this. Keeping on top of the daily life of simply getting up and living and running a house is actually a huge job for just one person, especially with a puppy creating chaos everywhere she goes! So I am breaking the tasks down and making them a morning or an afternoon target. Everyday there are two things that I aim to achieve. Only two but that's where I am at the moment and that is just going to have to be ok.

For example: (and it doesn't always go to plan as today is proving and again that is ok)
My main morning target: hoover upstairs
My main afternoon target: clean fish tank.

Tomorrow's morning: hoover downstairs and mop floors
Afternoon: walk Molly and practise our training at a new place


And so on. I have broken up the tasks of running the house and of me doing something more than sitting on the sofa. But they are small and usually manageable targets. I am back to small steps. Previous targets this week have been to buy lunch, get milk, go for coffee with a friend. They are small targets. But by doing this I am hoping that I will build back up to taking on the day as a whole. But right now, a whole day is too big and too much. Rome wasn't built in a day and a love lost isn't forgotten in a year.

I have no idea what the year ahead will bring. I have no idea how I will get through another year without you but I know that I will because I have no choice. I am just going to take each moment as it comes. Small steps and small targets. I have an amazing support network around me and I couldn't have gotten this far without those special people. So I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I am hoping that one day, instead of reliving the pain of losing you, I will relive your laughter and your smile everyday. I will relive how you made me feel and it won't hurt as much. A year has passed and I know that I am still very far away from this day but I will keep trying and keep fighting.

I miss you Perryman and you are the reason I smiled so much. A love you a little bit...A LOT xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An unfinished story...

Tomorrow it is back to work. Back to normality.

What even is normality anymore? My normal consists of waking up and missing you. It consists of waking up and hurting. The kind of hurt you couldn't even begin to imagine. My normality is the same self argument I have every time I wake up: Should I start another day without you? Or just take a sleeping pill and skip it for a few hours longer? Do I take on the fight of surviving this pain or put it off for a bit longer? My normal is looking at your side of the bed, untouched and unslept in and trying not to break down and cry. It is seeing your dressing gown hung next to mine, unworn for far too long. My normal is seeing your toothbrush gathering dust. My normal is having no more messages from you, no more cuddles with you, no more kisses from you. It is eating alone. It is making it through one event to the next with no real aim or focus or any real care for anything anymore.

If living with you was like tasting every exotic amazing mind blowing flavour that there is, then living without you is like chewing ash. It has become pointless and a chore. I go through the motions of life and social situations but I don't really care much for them anymore because you're gone. I have to force myself to take part. I have to force myself to take part in life. I'd rather not but I don't think that's a great option to be honest. I float through life now without really paying much attention to it. I feel completely disconnected to it all. Yet on the outside to others I think I appear to be quite 'with it' and 'normal' and just like 'me'. But I'm not me anymore. I don't feel like me anymore and everything takes so much more effort. A conversation takes a lot of energy to remain focused and I find that I drift in and out of it and hope I haven't missed anything important! So apologies if you ask me a question and I don't respond.

Tomorrow I have to return to 'normal'. But it can't be this new normal. I somehow have to force it to be the old normal. The old routine. I have to return to a life I had when you were here, except I have to do it all without you. I'm not sure if I can. I'm not sure if this is going to work. This time last year we were so excited (well I was probably more excited than you!) because we were on the count down to our wedding! Just one whole school term and then we were going to be husband and wife! It was going to be amazing. But that isn't happening this time round. Now there is this wait between school starting and the one year anniversary of you leaving. Fuck. It's not even a full half term. Double fuck.

I will be back to doing the same old thing that I was doing when you left. It just feels so wrong. To be back to that normal and doing what I was doing on the day that you left just feels as though I'm saying you didn't matter. That you leaving didn't matter. That somehow your leaving hasn't altered my life. But you DO matter. It DOES matter. And my life has been forever altered. In fact it's been completely smashed off course. It feels wrong to be allowed to carry on without you, as though nothing has happened. Because something has happened. And every moment of the day is a battle. Even though I look OK. I am not OK. But despite all of this...tomorrow I have to return to the old normal.

Being a widow sucks. It really sucks. Most other people are able to move on with their lives and just continue as they were always planning to. But I'm stuck and there isn't anything I can do to alter that. I've tried and I do get that seeing this can make others feel very awkward. But I can't just skip over what's happened and I'm doing the best that I can. I learned the other day that I wasn't invited to something. That hurt. But I kinda understand why but it still hurt. I guess there isn't much room for a widow among happy couples.

Oh Luke. You were supposed to be my entire story and my happily ever after. Our stories were supposed to be linked and connected all the way to the end, with sequels and a whole flipping boxset! But instead you became a chapter in my story. You aren't supposed to be one chapter though. You're supposed to be the entire story. My story and our story. It was all going so perfectly and it feels as though someone has just ripped out the ending of our story. Without waiting for any neat moment in time...they've just decided to rip out the pages of our story from the only copy. And now I'm just left hanging and left to wonder what the rest of our story could have been.

How are any of us supposed to continue? I feel as though there are a million and one things to say and yet I'm all empty of words, Tonight I feel as though I want to scream but what is the use in that? Tonight I want to disappear and not resurface again. But that's not possible. I don't want the old normal and I don't want a new normal. I want to shut out everything and just vanish. I want to be with you again. I want to see you and hear you and feel you. I want you back, I want to hear you say you love me. But I can't.  So now I have to do the old normal because I've run out of options and life clearly doesn't stand still.

I miss you Perryman. You're my everything and life has just lost all it's flavour and colour without you. I wish you were here with me. I wish I could see you again. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

...

I always thought I would see you again. When you left that morning for work, I always believed that you would be returning. I even left for work with a 'see you later' because I had every intention of seeing you later. I had no reason to suspect that I wouldn't. But later never came and it will never come. It doesn't matter what I do or what I try. I will never get that 'later' with you. And knowing this makes me want to vomit. The feeling in my stomach is as though someone is squeezing it and twisting it and it doesn't matter how much I will them to stop they don't.  It makes my throat feel as though it's closing up and it becomes so much harder to breathe. Why were we not allowed our 'later'? Do you know what is going on here without you? Are you aware of my daily struggle with your absence?  Can you feel this pain? Do you feel it too? You promised to stay with me forever Luke. You promised to be my forever man. But you're gone and it hurts. What the fuck am I supposed to do now Perryman?!?!

Even today I remember that morning when I left for work. The morning that you were laid in bed after finishing night shift. I remember kissing you before leaving for work and I remember you pulling me in for a cuddle. I remember the thoughts I'd had. I remember you. But I don't want to have to remember you; I want to have you here with me now making new memories for us BOTH to share!! I don't want to have to rely on my memory of you to feel that you existed and were here. I want to have you here so that I can feel you and touch you.

I look at couples and I just want to punch them in the face. Which is awful, I know. There's no rational explanation for this urge and you'd be telling me to relax. But I don't understand why they get to have what we couldn't. I'm sure this urge to punch people will pass. At least I hope it will.

I hate not seeing you. I hate waking up each day. I hate knowing that there is yet another day I have to survive. I hate knowing that there is another day that I have to continue a life that was never supposed to be. I hate knowing that our path no longer exists and I have to walk an entirely different path all on my own. Because ultimately Luke, I am on my own. People can visit and I can go out and meet up with people. But when it really matters, when the house is too still, when the quiet of the night settles in and everyone is busy with their own lives, when that unmistakable gut wrenching punch in my stomach starts and that heavy weighted, oh-my-god I'm going to cry and can't stop it moment happens...I am alone.

There are no comforting arms to hold me and to tell me that everything is going to be OK. There are no comforting kisses on my forehead, reassuring me that life is going to be OK. There are no hands to wipe away my tears. There is nothing but your absence. There is nothing but the weight of your absence. There is nothing but the quiet and still of the house. There is nothing but my cries and my tears. Because you are gone. The comforting arms, reassuring kisses and hands to wipe away my tears are gone. I have to fight this on my own and I'm beginning to doubt if I'm strong enough to do this same fight each night. I'm exhausted and you are gone.

We should have been celebrating our anniversary yesterday. We should have been together. We should still be together. I just want you back. I'd give anything to have you back. I would do anything if it meant I could have you again. You just need to come home. I just need for this whole thing to all be some shit unfunny joke and for you to come home. We all need you to come home. I wonder what we would have been doing this year for our anniversary? A spa? A romantic picnic like last year? A bike ride round Rutland? Camping? A romantic meal and candle lit bath? Would you have been deployed somewhere with work, meaning we'd be arranging a belated anniversary treat over skype? What would we have done? I know it would have been amazing and we'd have been together and laughing. I miss you laughing. I miss your smile. I miss you.

You look so real in all of your photos. You look so alive. You look so 'here'. It's a struggle to grasp that you are gone. These photos of moments we spent together and of moments you experienced will fall further and further into the past. They will one day become a time of long ago. How can that be? How can you be allowed to fall into the past? How can you be allowed to fall into my past when you were so much meant to be my present and my future? I realised the other day that if I live to make it into my 40s I will have lived more of my life without you than I had with you. There will be a greater portion of my life that I have existed with your absence than I was allowed to live with your presence. Again I find myself thinking, 'What the actual fuck?!' I can't think on this too much because my body just wants to shut down and it takes all of my energy and strength to remember how to breathe. I want you as my future Luke, not as my past. Why did this happen to us? You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve to be taken. Time isn't going to fix this. Time will just cement in place how permanent this is. It will just define the absence with a greater weight. You are not coming home. We are not getting our 'later'. We are not getting our future together.

I don't think I can write anymore on this post. I am shattered. I'm shattered from living without you and I'm shattered from the daily routines that no longer serve a purpose. I'm just tired. I miss you so much and I love you more than you will ever realise. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re-building without a design

So not really sure what to say or write. I just feel as though I need to write something. I am so lost right now.

My feelings from the start have not altered. They haven't lessoned. I feel as shit today as I did back then. I feel the same brokenness now, as I did then. I had some strange pre-conceived idea that by this time I wouldn't feel better but that I would find things easier. I believed I would be able to do the normal day to day things with the same ease prior to losing Luke. I believed that by now I would be able to get through a day without it being a constant battle and struggle. I thought by now I wouldn't have to live through the same daily fight of trying to find a point in living and that I wouldn't still be having to fight to choose to do another day without Luke. I thought I would be able to rebuild my life and piece things back together, because I had a pre-conceived idea that by this point, life would have fixed itself and that I would be able to manage life with the same ease as before. But I am wrong. This pre-conceived idea was not realistic and does not match reality in any way, shape or form. How do I feel about that? Disappointed, frustrated, confused. hurt and very concerned!

I'm concerned because this feeling has remained the same. The struggle and the battle have remained the same. The same lack of love for life has remained the same. The same, "What's the point?" feeling has remained the same. Which makes me question whether it will ever alter and be different. Telling me it will get better in time offers no comfort to me and unless you're in this position how could you ever know? How do you know that time will make things better?? They're just empty words and promises. They're just your pre-conceived ideas of how this should work and your pre-conceived ideas of how grief works. I'm as guilty as anyone for having these ideas but actually they don't help. They just offer a gutting disappointment when, in reality, the feelings remain the same and the daily struggle to continue through life remains the same. Telling someone to give it time just adds pressure to this whole process of surviving. It's like putting a deadline on something that actually has no end.

It makes you begin to wonder if you are doing something wrong because things haven't gotten better in time, like people tell you it will. So please don't tell me to give it time, because I am learning that time takes on a very different meaning to those that are grieving and it doesn't work in the same way. Time does not offer comfort and it doesn't appear to pass at the same normal rate. It's been 9 months today and it doesn't feel like I have survived 9 months without Luke. It's gone so fast and so little has changed. Time is a different shape to the bereaved.

So where does all of this leave me now that it's been 9 months? The same place I was when it had only been a few minutes after losing Luke. Completely broken, just placing one foot in front of the other and hoping I don't crash into anything. Part of my struggle is that I believed I should be able to take on the world by now and that I would have somehow started to rebuild my life. I also never believed that I would make it to 9 months without Luke. I never really thought about the future without him and so just expected that it would work itself out. (Not sure when I actually thought this would take place because I've not currently got the energy to do that and I've yet to want to create a new normal without Luke but I guess I thought it would magically happen. Note to self- shit like this doesn't just happen!)

I need for my own sanity to stop trying to rebuild a new life to a design that I don't have. I have no idea what my life should look like without Luke. I have no idea what my life should be without him. At the moment I don't see the point to it. But I know that's a dangerous place to be. I know that I don't want a life with any other man. My life was supposed to be as Luke's wife and nothing will ever match that. I don't want to settle. I want Luke. But I can't have Luke, so I need to rebuild with what I have. I need to take it step by step and place the rebuilding into 'phases'. (Cheers lady!) I've spoken about how I expected things to be easier and because they're not I feel like I'm failing. This is partly because I'm still at the point of needing to take things day by day, hour by hour. And it's ok to be at 9 months and need to do this. Apparently 9 months is no time at all and still very early. It doesn't feel like a long time to me but it sounds like a long time. And because it sounds like a long time I have placed the pre-conceived idea on myself that I should be achieving much more by now. But actually I shouldn't. This is reassuring to know. So the first phase is to give each day a purpose. No matter how small.

Creating a purpose for each day. Even if I don't want to. Even if I don't want to engage with other people or take part in life. I am going to put one thing down that I need to achieve on that day. I am going to go through the motions of existing and of taking part in life even though I don't want to. Because to see no purpose in life and no point to living is not a good or healthy place to be. It may be as simple as make dinner or go out and meet a friend for coffee. (I realise this is something you can all do without even thinking about it, but it's a massive thing to someone that should be sharing their mealtimes with their special someone. It's also exceptionally hard to choose meals because there are some meals I can not eat, as they were mine and Luke's favourites. And meeting a friend for coffee requires me to start yet another day and to interact with someone when all I might want to do is curl up on the sofa in Luke's hoody and cry.) So I just need to write down one thing for each day that I am going to do at some point. (Right now it's go and make a cup of tea!)

Some of you may wonder why I would choose to do these things just for the sake of doing them, even when all I want to do is curl up and vanish from this world without Luke. Well it's because on the days when I stay on the sofa and push the day away, I feel like shit. I haven't achieved anything and I am left with the feeling of 'well I survived another day but I'm doing a pretty shit job and I feel like I've failed.' I no longer view surviving a day as an achievement, even when it is the hardest thing I will ever have to do again in my life. But on the days where I force myself to take part in life (even for a little while) I feel like absolute shit but slightly less of a failure. According to my lady, I need to stop beating myself up.

When everything first happened I was able to organise so much. In the first few weeks I actually got a lot done. I cancelled our wedding and organised Luke's funeral. I interacted with people. But now I don't want to do anything. The lady suggested it was because I organised things that were for other people. I did things for other people. But now life requires me to exist and to do things for me. And I don't see the point, which is also a reason why everything is so much harder. I've lost my purpose. By beginning to do one thing each day, even when I don't want to, isn't going to improve how I feel. It isn't going to make my life easier or the daily struggles easier. My feelings will probably remain exactly the same but my life will start to take a new shape. And this is apparently one way of rebuilding a life with no design or plan.

I'm not really sure what I am supposed to do now. It's all just so surreal. This is not what our life was supposed to look like. :'(

An ever-changing layer

A lot of time has passed since I last wrote, yet everything has remained the same and in my head, time hasn't moved. How is that possible? It's July now and I never thought I was going to make it this far. It doesn't feel like almost 9 months since I last saw you. It doesn't feel like almost 9 months since we were snuggled up together in bed. It doesn't feel like almost 9 months since we were talking about our future together. It doesn't feel like almost 9 months ago that we were so close to being married. I am now closer to the year anniversary of losing you than I am to the event that took you away.

I have tried all sorts of things to survive. None of which have made me feel any better. I think at the moment I am not living, but surviving from day to day. I'm almost certain you wouldn't be happy about this. I feel as though the world around me is blurred and fast moving, while I am still. Like in the films when the focus is on the person standing perfectly still and the people moving are blurred. That's how I feel. Everyone else is moving forwards and life is moving around me. But I'm still stood in that room being told you had been involved in an accident and that you were gone. I'm still in that room being told I can't go and see you.

There are so many different parts to grief that I just didn't realise. This is so different to losing my Dad. I'm constantly battling being rational and logical with how I'm feeling. And how I feel can alter and change so quickly. Sometimes the feelings don't really match with the moment. I look at your clothes and I don't feel sad anymore. I feel numb and lost. I think I also feel a little bewildered and detached. It's wrong that you're not in them. I often wonder what you'd wear when I get dressed, especially on the hot days! But I should feel sad looking at your clothes because that's how I used to feel. But that feeling has been replaced with numbness and disbelief. Your clothes are slowing getting covered in dust and that is sad. I have to keep shaking them off and then I feel like a crazy person for doing it but by the time I've caught myself doing it, it's already done.

Some mornings, I can open your side of the bathroom cabinet and I can cope with seeing your toothbrush and razor and hair gel. But other days I can't. Some days I can easily wear the perfume that you bought me and other days I can't. Some days I can wear the dresses and clothes that I know you loved to see me in and other days I have to put them back into the wardrobe because it's too hard to hold myself together. Some days I can wear my engagement ring and my wedding ring and they make me smile because it reminds me of what we were and what we were going to be. They remind me of how you proposed to me in Jamaica and they make me smile. But other days I can't wear them and I can't look at them because they remind me of what we have lost and it just hurts too much.

This is hard because there is no pattern to grief. There's no one way that works because it's constantly changing. What I can handle one day I can't handle another day. What makes me cry one day will make me laugh the next and vise versa. How am I supposed to work out how to survive the next 60 odd years of my life when I can't even work out how to manage a frigging day without breaking at some point.

There are things that I find really hard and I know that I shouldn't find them hard, which also makes this frustrating. For example, making sure I actually eat something in the day. I have found, when I'm on my own, I just don't have an appetite. I know I need to eat but just don't want to. I don't want to do such a normal task because life isn't normal. Going to bed at night is a normal task but it's so bloody hard because you're not here. I still have to force myself to sleep in the bed and not on the sofa and often I won't go up there until the early hours of the morning. I'm not supposed to be sleeping alone in our home. We're supposed to be spooning and snuggled up and racing to be first in bed, so that the other one has to turn off the lights. I miss our bedtime routine of racing each other up the stairs and playing pants down to try and slow the other one down. I miss brushing our teeth as fast as we can, just to beat the other. I miss you.

Walking into a room should be easy. Should. I don't go in your man room, unless I need to open the window. That's not easy. Your clothes are still exactly where you left them and so is your porridge pot! The talc on the floor, from where you put on your leathers that morning, is still visible on the floor. I really should hoover in there but I feel physically sick at the thought of removing that trace of you that I can't do it. So I haven't done it and I won't do it. But that's also crazy because it's just talc and if you were alive I would have hoovered in there and picked all of your bloody clothes off the floor! On the other hand though, I guess it's not doing any harm to anyone at the moment, so it can just stay. But it's these things that makes grief so confusing. Nothing works as it should.

The lady suggested I should try and spend some time in your man room. By avoiding it, I am apparently denying what has happened and I'm shutting it out. By avoiding the room, I am apparently not allowing myself to grieve. I am shutting out those emotions and feelings that my body needs to go through. But at the moment, it's just too hard. When I step into the room everything feels so heavy. It becomes harder to breathe and harder to focus. It becomes impossible to hold myself together. I don't want to break because it's always so hard to recover and so hard to pull myself back to reality. So at the moment I shut the door and I stay out.

The lady has said that if that's my coping strategy at the moment then that is ok, but to consider what happens to the grief and emotions that I'm avoiding. There's only so long they can be controlled before they bubble over. I thought about this and went in the man room for a whole minute. It pretty much destroyed me, so I gave up and shut the door. I'm just not there yet and that's ok. It's strange though, because when you first left I was able to go into your room. I don't understand why it is so hard now.

Your gym trainers and running trainers are not looking very healthy or hygienic either. I'm sure something is growing on them! I thought about throwing them out because that is what you would have done. I picked them up and then put them straight back down again. I just couldn't do it. I know they're just trainers and I know you would have binned them but I just can't do it. I actually felt like I wanted to be sick when I tried. I guess I feel guilty for binning something of yours because it feels as though I am throwing you away. I'm not throwing you away and I know logically that binning the trainers does not mean I'm throwing away your memory. It doesn't mean I'm throwing away our relationship or disregarding how much I love you. I know this. But it feels as though I am throwing you away and, at the moment, that is over-taking the logical side of me. So your trainers are going to continue to grow what ever gross stuff it wants.

Apparently in the stages of grief there is a re-organisation of life. This is where those who are left behind begin to rebuild their lives and they begin to pull the pieces of life back together. They begin to re-engage with life. They become more functional and better at handling the day to day pressures of life. They are able to control when the memories hit them and they are able to create a new normal.

I don't want to move into the re-organisation stage of grief because I feel as though I would be saying, "It's ok that you're gone." And it isn't ok. It isn't ok that you have left me here to live our life without you. It isn't ok that you don't get to laugh and smile and live anymore. It is not ok that our wedding was cancelled and we all had to say good bye to you. It is not ok that I don't get to kiss you anymore. It is not ok that I can't hear you laughing or telling me not to be mad. IT IS NOT OK!!!!!  I feel as though by re-organising my life, it is dissolving your memory and who we were to each other. I feel as though it's being disloyal to your memory and to how much I love you. But I know that this is not how it really is. I know realistically and rationally, I have to re-organise life at some point. I know that this re-organisation is supposed to happen at some point. But I don't feel like I'm there yet. I don't want my life to adjust to life without you. I don't want a new normal. I want you and I want us.

At Christmas time I went away because we should have been on our honeymoon and I just couldn't be in the house and when I came home I discovered that our home had flooded. Until the flood, I had no intention of changing anything in the house, except maybe painting the living room. But that was all I was going to change. Everything else was going to remain the same. Then it flooded and I was forced to change everything. I was force to move your things. I was forced to move your cereal and protein shakers. I was forced to move your clothes and to move the things you had left laying about.

I can't even describe how hard that was or the stress that caused or even count the number of times I broke because the house was changing from what it was to a new way. I hated it. I hated having to make the decisions without you. Yet if you had been here, I'm sure I would have been the bossy one saying what I wanted and it would have been easy and exciting. But it didn't feel exciting and it certainly wasn't easy. I wanted to be sick every time I had to make yet another decision without you. I found I was constantly battling with what I wanted, with what I thought you would like and trying to play out what the compromise would have been. This is all very hard to do especially when the people asking for the decision are stood in front of you wanting an answer there and then because actually it was a really simple decision to make.

But to me, having to make yet another change that I never intended to make in the first place was fucking hard. I found myself saying a few times that I just didn't care because I just couldn't cope with having to change something else and having to think of what you would have liked or what you would have done. It was easier to hand the decision over to someone else. I put pink in the hallway and instantly regretted it. I definitely over stepped the mark with that. The deep pink I know I could have gotten away with for a while, because I'd have bought you steak and dressed nice and taken your mind of the fact that I'd just pinked up the hallway ;) but the other pink really was a step too far. You would not have been impressed! If you were alive and I had done this I would have laughed and we would have re-painted it and there wouldn't have been a problem. And you probably would have been a little mad followed up with, "Oh my God Dee!!"

But you aren't here so I sat at the top of the stairs, staring at the door of your man room and cried for hours. How it is even possible to cry that much is beyond me. But that's what I did. And I felt like a crazy person. It was just paint on a wall. It wasn't the end of the world. It could be fixed. But I knew you'd hate it and I couldn't cope with that. So I just cried. I hate the fact that at a time when I wanted the world to stand still and when I wanted everything to freeze in time, I was forced to change everything. The flood forced me to rip out our home and even if I'd put everything back to exactly as it was, it still wouldn't be the same; it would have still been change. God is such a dick sometimes. The hallway has now been re-painted and looks much better. I'm still doubting if you'd have done it that way but I just don't have it in me at the moment to think about this, so it will stay that way for a little while.

I'm slowly trying to make our home a place that I can stay without breaking everyday.  I was forced to alter everything downstairs but I'm trying to take control of some of the other changes. I have moved the fish tank to the living room and removed the table and chairs from the dining room. We don't need a table anymore because it's just me and I don't need anymore reminders that you are gone, so I've removed the table that we would sit at and once I have a sofa in there, I will remove the two chairs because we don't need two chairs anymore. Change is really hard. it's even harder without you.

Grieving sucks. It doesn't end. It doesn't switch off and it can't be hidden from. It's just there. It's a constant layer that changes and moves and just when you think you've got a handle on it, it shifts again. Bastard thing.

I think I've rambled a lot in this blog and I've just run out of energy now, so maybe I'll come back to it later. I started it at 3am because I couldn't sleep and then came back to it late morning but I'm done for the day now.

I miss you Perryman and I love you a little bit...A LOT!! xxxxxxxx

It's only yesterday...

Not really sure what to write this evening but I feel as though I need to write. As time passes it doesn't get any easier. Expectations from others increases. It feels as though some people think I should be over this now. That I should be moving on now. That I should be able to return to a completely normal working routine as I had before. That I should be able to do easy tasks like get up in the morning and make it into work first thing because they can do it and because I managed it before Luke went. Or that I should be able to teach an entire day without any consequences to my own mental state and why would I need any time out? Everyone else manages to teach an entire day without needing a time out. So they think I should be able to do this too.

Some people think that I should be able to keep up with conversations because that's easy. They think I should be able to just get on with it. They think that I should be able to do something each day easily. They think I should be able to sleep normally. They think that I should be having more good days than bad days. They think I should be able to deal with this now. 'This'. My entire world has crashed around me and everything I was has been stripped away. I'm left with a suffocating pain and numbness and total loss. I'm left not knowing who I am or what I am supposed to do. I'm left knowing that I'll never see Luke ever again and it becomes hard to breathe at the thought and yet all of this is just described in an easy simple word, 'this'. Maybe that's why people don't get it. Because this horrific event has been tamed into a word that we can handle; this. As humans our brains are designed to protect us and I guess people thinking of 'this' is easier than facing what 'this' really is for me.

I'm fed up of people thinking I should be able to do things because then I start believing that I should be able to do them. Now this would be a perfectly fine thing to think...if I was actually capable of doing them!!!!!!! But instead I'm left with should should should. And when I can't, that's all I see. I see that I have failed again. I see that again I didn't manage the normal daily things, so what is the point in any of this at all? Again I didn't achieve what I 'should' be able to do and I'm met with judgmental opinions from people that have no fucking idea what 'this' is really like.

On a positive note though, there are some amazing people who have been an absolute rock and an amazing support. They know who they are! :)  I've been chatting to a very helpful lady and she explained that 'should' is an awful word to use when someone is grieving. It's a word that I am not supposed to use anymore for myself. The only thing I can do is to listen to what my mind and body is telling me I need. And when I manage to do something I need to recognise that as an achievement. Even if all I do is get out of bed and sit on the sofa all day. I have achieved getting out of bed. Which to be fair in the first few weeks I probably did see as an achievement but then time moved on, so did everyone else and I allowed their opinions to cloud my reality. Because to them, my life should now be back to normal because theirs is. But I no longer see getting out of bed as an achievement because I 'should' be doing more by now.

But to me, it's as though it was only yesterday that I was told Luke had come off his motorbike and that he has been pronounced dead at the scene. To me it's only yesterday that I was driving around frantically trying to find out which hospital Luke had been taken to. It was only yesterday that I was phoning as many people as I could to find out where they were taking Luke and whether he was ok. It was only yesterday that I sat in that Chapel, waiting. Waiting for someone to tell me it was all just a joke. That there had been a mistake. I waited a very long time. I waited Luke but there was no mistake.

It was only yesterday that I would discover that Luke wasn't going to be taken anywhere; that I couldn't go and see him. To me it was only yesterday that I was told that the man I love more than I can describe, the man I was going to marry would never again be coming home. He would never take another breath or say my name. To me it's only yesterday. So forgive me if all I achieve is getting out of bed and choosing to start another fucking shit ass day without my best friend and my Luke. Forgive me if I fail to meet your 'should' expectations. Forgive me if I need time out of a day. I wonder how well you would do if you were in my position? To me it is only yesterday and I am still learning how to live without Luke. I am still learning how I am supposed to survive and cope with a life I never planned or expected to live. It is only yesterday and I am new to this.

As I briefly mentioned above, our brains are very clever. They will protect us against too much trauma. This is partially why there is 'denial' as a part of grief (so I'm told). It's our brain's way of only letting us have what we can handle at that time. So on the days when I can't move from my sofa, on the days when I can't get out of bed, on the days when I just want to curl up and cry that's ok. That's my body healing and that's my body saying, "I need this right now." On the days when I actually manage to do something, that is apparently my mind and body saying...Yes you can handle that at the moment.

The lady explained that I now need to learn to listen to what my body is saying it can and can't handle, instead of listening to other people's expectations of me. She explained that my body on some days is saying 'yes you can do that but you can't do that, that AND that as well.' This is why I end up crashing after a couple of days of productiveness. (By productiveness I mean, decided to start yet another day all over again, make it into work and interact with people. Or if it's a weekend...managing to get up at some point and actually getting something to eat.)

She said pacing would help. (It won't help me feel better. It would just help.) I just have to identify what I can do and when I just need to sit out (that's the difficult part because all around me is this imposed word of 'should', so I need to distinguish between what I can do and what other people think I should be able to do.) But I am beginning to recognise the signs when I need to leave and need to be out of the way. I'm beginning to recognise, I think, when I just need to stop pushing the feelings back and stop fighting my way through, so that I can rest. So that my body has a chance to rest and deal with things (apparently).

This is all just too hard. It's too hard and I don't have any option but to keep going through it. There are very few situations in life where you have no choice and this is one of the worst ones. Everywhere I look, I see where Luke used to be. I see what we could have been. I see what we were. I see memories of Luke in every room that I walk into. I can't put any of his things away; I feel physically sick at the thought of moving his things. I've had no choice but to move some bits and pieces because the house flooded and so I had no choice. But moving his things; his porridge, his healthy things and protein shakers from the cupboards made me want to be sick. But I had no choice and through all of this, through all of the changes I'm having to remind myself and hold on to the reality that I had no choice. I had to move his towel from the upstairs rail because the decorators needed to paint. But I felt sick moving it and it will go back as soon as the decorators have finished.

The absence of Luke is everywhere and it wraps itself around me like thick tar. I'm not sure what my purpose is anymore. I was defined by Luke and by our future together. I was his fiancee and I was going to be Luke's wife. I was a girl whose dreams had come true and who had finally ended up in her own fairytale with her prince charming (cheesy but true). I was part of an incredible couple and part of a love that can't ever be felt again. I was happy.

But Luke is gone and I'm now lost. I'm completely lost and it doesn't matter which way I turn. I just can't seem to find a point to life anymore. I have lost my purpose. I can't seem to find where I fit. I'm just floating and I just want Luke. How am I supposed to accept that he isn't coming home? How am I supposed to survive this and cope with this? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

I miss you Luke. More than anyone can imagine. I miss your smile and I miss your touch. I love you to the moon and back. A little bit...A LOT! XXXXxxxxXXXX

Our Story

I remember the first time we met on that sunny July morning. I remember the butterflies and nerves I felt before meeting you. I must have changed my outfit so many times. I wanted to look good but not look like I'd tried to look good. We would later joke about this. I remember walking towards you. You'd just got a pint and was sitting down on the benches outside the pub and you glanced behind towards me. (I thought wow, I've got a fit one!) I noticed you doing a double take. Again this would be something we would joke about throughout our lives together. Even now I remember that moment. It's said that our minds remember the most important events in our lives and I love how this moment created a memory that I will forever hold on to.

It sounds really cliche but from the moment I sat next to you it felt as though I'd known you forever. You were someone that I was very attracted to but also wanted to be great friends with. Our date, which should have just been a few drinks at the pub, turned into an entire day together. We went shopping, had lunch, went for coffee, went to the cinema and went for dessert later on. The time with you sped past and I remember thinking I didn't want the day to end. It really was the perfect date and we both learned that I shouldn't be trusted to choose the film at the cinema because it was horrendous! I didn't want us to part. There was something about you and something about me when I was with you that I loved. You must have felt it too because the very next day you asked me to be your girlfriend and our adventure began.

Together everything was fun. I have never laughed as much as I did when I was with you. There are many stories and memories that I could tell. We would go camping just because we could with no previous plans to do so. You taught me how to body board and helped me to catch a wave on a surf board. You were incredibly patient! I remember I'd caught a wave and when I turned to my left you had caught the same wave. I loved the look you gave me. I remember thinking, "This is what life is all about." I'll always remember that moment.

The morning we were due to fly out on our holiday to Jamaica you told me that you had just bought some customized leathers for your motorbike and that you needed to go and be measured for them. You told me the cost and I wasn't best pleased and thought you could have arranged the fitting for a different day but you gave me that grin and all was forgiven! I used to joke with you all the time about how much of an awesome wife I'd be. It took you a while to laugh at this joke. :)

On our holiday to Jamaica on the flight out you told me that you were not proposing to me and that I needed to get that idea out of my head. You said that we were not coming back engaged. I remember jokingly telling you that you had really messed up because Jamaica would have been the most perfect place to propose to me. When else would you get the chance to propose in Jamaica?? You explained that you didn't have a ring.

It turned out though that you were bluffing and trying to throw me off the scent. On the 11th August 2013 you proposed to me while the stars were out and the waves were crashing against the shore. I had butterflies just like the day when we first met. I couldn't wait to say yes!  I was so excited and we were ridiculously happy. I couldn't wait to show everyone. It also turned out that you weren't being fitted for motorbike leathers, you were actually collecting my ring! Always full of surprises.

We decided that we would set the date for 23rd December 2014 and would then jet off to New York for our honeymoon. While planning for our wedding, we somehow ended up buying our very first home together! Only me and you would be budgeting for a wedding and end up buying a house. I liked our spontaneous adventures and soon came to love your spontaneous independent adventures. When you told me about these you always started with, "Don't be mad..." and followed it with the cheekiest grin.

I remember you coming home from work and telling me not to be mad but you'd bid on a motorbike. You said that last part so quickly and muttered it that I almost missed it! I think you were partially pleased when you didn't win that bid! However you did win the bid for the fish tank, which meant we both had to travel all the way to Billericay! That was always a fun event that we would laugh about.

You had booked us a couple photoshoot and we needed to take a variety of clothes. We had some posh clothes and you had a smart suit. Except you'd forgotten your socks!! That was hilarious. The photos of you in your suit are of you standing or taken without your feet in it. Every time I look at those pictures I laugh because I know that your ankles are sticking out!

I never knew what to expect when you started with, "Don't be mad." I knew it was something that you perhaps shouldn't have done! You were sent away a lot with your work and were sent to Vegas. I personally didn't think this was work! You had three rules while in Vegas. Rule 1: Don't spend our house deposit (we hadn't bought the house at this point). Rule 2: Don't marry your mate (I know what you boys are like after a few drinks!) and Rule 3: Don't get a tattoo.

You hadn't been out there for long when you messaged me with those infamous three words and confessed to waking up with a tattoo on your bum!

But these are the things that I loved about us. We were never a boring comfortable couple. We laughed and always found some sort of mischief to get up to. Life really was an exciting adventure together and it was supposed to continue on for many many years to come. You were never supposed to die. You were never supposed to not make it into work. You were never supposed to not make it to our wedding day.

I miss you every single day and I love you forever. A little bit...a lot! xxx

I always thought I'd see you again...

6 months ago today I had walked into tesco to do our shop and I bought you a gift. I had no idea that it would be the very last thing that I ever got to buy for you. You had no idea that tonight would be the last time that you would arrive into work. I had no idea that tonight would be the very last time that I would hear you come home and feel you slide into bed beside me. If I had known I'd have woken up and spoken a little more than the odd murmur of,"Hey sexy man, love you." But we had no idea. This time 6 months ago I had made pasta bake for dinner, so that you could take it for dinner the next day. I had no idea that it would have been your last meal from me. If I had known, I'd have cooked you steak and I would have waited up for you. But I had no idea.

6 months ago tomorrow it would have been the very last time that I left you sleeping in bed while I went to work. It was the last time that I would be able to hold you and get a hug from you. 6 months ago tomorrow was the last time that I kissed you. How has it been 6 months?
Tomorrow is the 15th AND it's a Wednesday. Two shit things together. It really could be 6 months ago. I can't believe Luke never came home.

This time last year Luke and I were so excited about going to New York at Xmas and about getting married. We were placing an offer on our home. We were paving the way for our continued future together. But tonight I get to sit here and I miss you so much. I get to sit here and wonder if I'm going to make it through tomorrow morning. Judging from how tonight has been and how I'm currently feeling I think tomorrow is going to be a write off. I wish so much that I could see you again. I hate that I'm on my own to live this life. I hate that you are gone. I miss you so much that my whole body aches.

It's been 6 months and I have learned so much yet still don't have a clue. I am learning that ultimately you have to fight this battle on your own. You have to work this out on your own. You have to handle all the shit that's thrown your way on a daily basis on your fucking own. Brilliant.

I have decided to compile a few things that 'they' don't tell you about losing your entire world. It's not meant to be offensive. This is just my personal experience of it.

It hurts more than you could ever imagine.

No matter how much you said 'I love you', or hugged them or laughed with them or how much time you spent with them...it will never seem like enough once they are gone. You will wish you had spent more time being together. Don't feel guilty. It's called everyday life.

You will question the point of working and not being able to live because of work getting in the way. You may wonder why you wasted so many hours doing work instead of living. Just remember though that you do need money to pay the bills so that there is a point to work. Remember: work gives you the means to live a lifestyle you want.

You will question your view of the relationship. Did they really love you? Was it as amazing and as special as you believed it to be? You will think of small debates you may have had. This is normal. Remember...if they had lived, you would still be very much in love and together.

You will avoid old routines. This is ok. 

Everyone has an opinion on how you should grieve and move on. You will come across people who feel they are experts on this because they have lost their long lost Aunt etc. Ignore their advice. They don't have a clue. 

People drift away and back into their own lives. Expect this. It will happen. No matter how many of them say it won't and that they are there for you no matter what, life moves on and so does your support network around you. This hurts but it's ok.

You will have to get used to sitting on your own and being comfortable as a 'one'. This does not happen over night. I am still not used to this and I don't know when I will be.

People will expect you to be doing much better than you actually are. They will be expecting you to be getting on with things just because you may have had some small steps of success by absolute fluke.

You will never be prepared for the moments, events or things that reduce you to unexpected tears.

You will want to punch many people in the face. Try really hard not to do this. It's not their fault.

You will dread dinner parties surrounded by couples. Starter and dessert for one. Cheers.

People will see you smile and believe that you are doing OK. They may even judge you for being happy. Real friends will understand that you're coping in that one moment but won't expect you to keep it up. They will see the effort that it takes.

You will comfort others and apologise to them for making them feel awkward. Don't punch them in the face for this. It's not their fault. Or yours. It's just how it is.

You really will see who cares for you and who doesn't. It will surprise you. You will even experience many 'friends' who expect you to go to them and expect you to make the effort to make contact with them and to maintain the friendship. These particular friends get offended when you don't. My advice...it's their problem and I hope they never find themselves in my situation. 

You will become exceptionally good at paperwork yet at the same time feel like you are drowning in it.

You will become very tired at unexpected times of the day and probably won't sleep at night. Don't expect to focus on many things.

Doctors don't like handing out sleeping pills. Find alternative ways to fall asleep.

Be prepared for the amount of rubbish you will buy. I have bought endless numbers of shoes and dresses. Many of which I'll probably never wear as I don't have the occasion to wear them too. But it gave me something to do.

You won't want to shower. You will begin to grow your own eco-system before you move towards that water! Move when you're ready.

Your appetite may completely vanish in those first days/weeks. It's ok. Your body will let you eat once you are ready to. Drink water, fruit juices and put a packet of grapes or chocolate in a bowl next to you. It's easy to grab food with no effort.

Cooking a meal for one is depressing when you should have been cooking it for two. It's completely different to cooking as a uni student or a single person. It is just depressing.

You will have moments in the day when you think you are going to take on the whole world. You convince yourself that you are going to make the most of your life and that you are going to live. Then you will have moments (almost simultaneously) where everything becomes just too heavy to handle. There's not a lot you can do about that.


I wish so much that you were here Luke. I can't believe it's going to be 6 months. It all hurts so much. xxx

Just a ramble of thoughts

So the inquest is over. I don't feel relief or closure or any better. The van driver was there. I went to the inquest feeling sorry for him. I left the inquest wanting to punch him in the face. Even now thinking about it, I want to punch him in his face. Repeatedly!! I don't believe he's innocent. I don't believe he's telling the whole truth. I don't believe that he was concentrating yet still failed to see Luke. I've been round that bend. It isn't sloped and you can see oncoming traffic...if you were bothering to pay attention. I don't believe he was paying attention. Why did his vehicle come to rest so far past Luke? Why didn't he fucking brake??? dickhead. He showed no remorse. He showed no emotion. He didn't look at any of us. Even if he was innocent (which I don't believe) you'd think he would say something or look like he was sorry. I would be sorry if I was him. There was a cause to Luke's accident. I believe it was the van driver.

It is 5.06am and I woke up about an hour ago. I saw Luke and he was alive. He had scars from the accident but he was alive. But then I woke up and it's all very confusing and surreal! So now I am wide awake. I wish s much Luke was here.  I wish we could all wake up and realise that all of this has just been one big nightmare and that Luke is alive. I wish we had been married and danced the night away. I don't understand why Luke had to miss out.

Yesterday I did something that would have made Luke laugh and I cried because of this. My biscuit fell off in my tea! Luke would have laughed a lot at me and I ached for his laughter and teasing, but it never came. I never heard him laugh and I didn't see him smiling at me. I missed his quick waddle walk out to the kitchen to save the day with a teaspoon. I missed you Luke.

Smiling is hard. Carrying on without you feels impossible and gut wrenching. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. There are so many events I wish you were a part of. We've just had Easter and I know you would have eaten the ears from my chocolate rabbit again, just like you did the other year. You would have bought me creme eggs because I loved eating them and then you would sing the fat song as I tucked in to them. I didn't buy creme eggs this year. It's the very first time ever that I haven't had a creme egg. But I just couldn't bare to eat one knowing I wasn't going to hear your voice. Silly I know. It's just an egg.

I made scrambled egg the other afternoon and it needed a little extra in it. I had chorizo in the fridge and I thought of adding it like you always did for your breakfast. Then I cried and left it in the fridge. How is it fair that I'm allowed to continue to live and breathe but you are not? I couldn't make the same eggs that you used to make. It hurt too much. I know that's silly. It was just a bit of chorizo and scrambled egg. But it was missing you.

The house looks as though you will come home one day. Everything is as you left it. (Except for the flood damaged stuff). Your cereal is as it was when you left. Your healthy snacks are still in the cupboard. Foods that you eat but I don't remain in the freezer and cupboard. I don't know why I am keeping them because you are not coming back to eat them but I can't bring myself to bin them. It feels too definite and too final. I don't want to bin parts of you, which again seems ridiculous because it's just food that isn't going to be eaten. You wouldn't want me holding on like this. I know you wouldn't but I can't let go. I don't want to let go.

It's very tiring living everyday without you. I wonder what you would say and the unspoken conversations that we might have had. I imagine your looks that you would give me when I did something daft. I wonder what we might have done this Easter. I know we spoke about going snowboarding as a last minute deal. Then I wonder if you would have been posted away somewhere. I think of all the things we spoke about doing and I'm afraid that I won't be able to complete them. They're just not the same without you. They're not dreams without you.

I still don't believe you are gone yet everything around me is screaming at me that you are. Your jammies are still on the bed. Your man room is still covered with things on the floor how you left it. I have removed your work clothes though. That was hard. But I imagine you would have been ok with that first step. You weren't a huge fan of your uniform! I only managed to do a bag and that was me done for the day. You aren't suppose to leave me to live our life without you Perryman!

I'm still losing time. Things still take me a long time to do. I find if I have company and friends here then I'm better and I get sorted relatively quickly but when it's just me...time runs away and before I'm dressed and ready to start the day it' already late afternoon. I'm not even sure what I do. I think perhaps I sit and think of you.

Everything is just so empty. I feel empty without you. I still don't know what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what my life is suppose to look like now or where it is suppose to lead. I only ever wanted to be a wife to an amazing man. That was my dream and I found you, which made my dream just perfect. But you're gone and we're gone and the dream is gone. So what now?

You're supposed to be here. You're supposed to hold me and I'm supposed to be snuggled up to you. I miss you Perryman and I love you so much. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

An unmarried widow in a world of couples. Still here though!

So the inquest is coming up soon. This is where we find out everything that we need to know. This is where we learn what actually happened to Luke. This is where we get our questions answered. This is where we get the final piece to the jig saw and we'll all feel so much better. (Yeah right.) Except I don't believe our questions will be answered. I'm not convinced we will learn what really happened to Luke. I do not believe that we will feel any better or relief. I am preparing myself to be left with more questions than answers but I guess this is just something that I have to deal with and accept. I haven't worked out how I will deal with this and accept it but I don't have any other option. 

This weekend I have been out on both Friday and Saturday night. It's a weird experience to be out but knowing everything is wrong. When Luke was alive I had been out without him because he would be posted away somewhere, so being in the club without Luke isn't a completely alien experience. What makes it hard is that I would always text him or ring him. But I look at my phone and there is no-one to text. There is no-one to say, "Really wish you were out with me," to. There is no-one to send sneaky pictures to. After the night out there is no good night text to send or read. This is what is horrible about being out. I have to go home and crawl into an empty bed. I don't have a Perryman to wake up and get some fun with. I don't have a Perryman to cuddle up to. I don't have a Perryman to kiss and say I love you too. I don't have Luke. I don'y have my Luke.

I was Luke's world and he was mine. Every time I go out and every time I see couples it just serves as another reminder that all of this has gone. Who I was with Luke has been stripped away. Now my world, my Luke has gone and I'm no longer important or special to someone. I'm not somebody's someone who they think about. I'm no longer an everything to someone. I've become a nothing. In one quick movement I went from being Luke's world to a nobody. It is hard to accept that I'm not in someone's thoughts in that way anymore. I'm no longer desired by someone and I no longer have someone that wants to kiss me and grab me and spend the rest of their lives with me. We have gone from having everything we could have ever wanted to this. Luke didn't deserve this. 

I do feel angry. I don't feel angry about what I have lost. I am angry at what Luke has lost. I am angry that this happened to Luke. There are so many other people that this could have happened to but it happened to my Luke and I'm angry. Luke should be alive and still loving life. Luke shouldn't have suffered the way he did. He just deserved to be here. He deserved and it was his right to continue having an amazing life. So I am angry for Luke.

I go about my days on auto pilot in a daze. I have become an expert at having conversations with people and then not having a clue what it was we were talking about. I have become an expert at doing everyday things around the house but not paying any attention to what I am actually doing. I have become an expert at responding with, "Yeah fine thanks."

I haven't quite worked out how you avoid thinking about Luke to enable yourself to get through the day. I haven't worked out how to blank this out. I don't think it is possible. I don't think it is possible to un-know what has happened. I don't think it is possible to not think about Luke and everything we were and could have been. When I am doing things, I think that this would have been so different if Luke had been here. I wouldn't be sat in the house on such a beautiful day. We would have been out at the pub or having a picnic or having cream tea with ruddles clotted cream. We would be in the garden with the bbq. We would have been together and knowing how lucky we are. Luke would have been out on his motorbike for a little bit or he would have gone mountain biking for the morning. Or we would have stayed in bed all morning enjoying one another. But instead I am here on my own.

I wrote in one of my past blogs that I wasn't sure who I am or where I fit. I have decided for now (and this may change) that I am in a very unique category. I mentioned that I wasn't technically a widow because Luke and I were not married. To Luke's family and friends I was Luke's wife but in the eyes of the law I am not anything important in Luke's life, which is hard to grasp but there ya go. So I have decided to create a whole new category. I am an unmarried widow. This is a very hard group to be in because as I just mentioned above, to some people you will be viewed as though you were married and as husband and wife (just 69 days Luke!!!!!). But to others you are not seen as important. You are not seen as an important part to your man's life. Even though we had set up a life together, I am not seen by law as a wife. 

This means that you have to prove that you were indeed important. Imagine losing your everything and then having to prove who you were/are to others. Imagine having to say, "No I'm not some one night stand or gf of a couple of weeks. I'm not some 'she'll do for the moment' girl. I am the woman that Luke chose to spend the rest of his life with. I am an important piece of Luke's life." That is what I have had to do with some legal things and the paperwork aftermath of losing Luke, which just makes everything even harder. It can even make you doubt yourself and can make you doubt if you really were important to the one that you have lost. So I need to keep reminding myself that Luke chose me. He asked me to marry him. (The man that never wanted to be married asked me to marry him!) Luke chose to build a home with me. He chose a life with me. He could have picked anyone. He could have done whatever he wanted and he chose me. But it can be hard to remember this when everything else is going on. 

I have been extremely lucky to have Luke's mum, dad and sister being as kind as they have been to me. Because I can imagine there are other unmarried widows who are not as lucky as I am. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had lost the relationship with Luke's family too. So I have been exceptionally lucky to have been accepted into Luke's family. 

We almost had everything Luke. I would give up everything and anything to have you back with me. Life never stays good and  don;t know why. Something always goes wrong. Something always changes and it's always so sudden and unexpected. You made me the happiest girl alive Luke and I love you to the moon and back. Forever yours xxxxxxx

Holding on with my eyes shut...

5 months. 5 months and the pain just builds. I personally think it has gotten harder. In the beginning I could attempt to fool myself into thinking you were away with work or on some jolly with your friends. But as time ticks by it just grounds the fact that you are truly gone even deeper into my heart. I find looking at your photos so hard. Sometimes I just have to look away because I can't grasp how you are so alive in the photos yet I can't ever touch or hold you again.

I'm afraid that I am forgetting your voice and how you sounded. I'm afraid that I will forget the things you used to say to me and the jokes we shared. I'm afraid I will forget the things that we did or the foods you loved to eat. I'm afraid of losing you all over again.

I am still attempting to return to work. So far I have made it into work everyday at some point before 3.00pm. In the past week or so I have managed to get in for the am and the last few days I have succeeded at getting in for 10 something. Sometimes it is 10.15 or 10.45 or some other time. I am slowly learning (after being told many times, which has actually been a huge help) that I should hold on to the small steps of success and to not put myself under pressure. I see it as a failed day if I don't get in for the 9am start (which has only happened once since all of this). But actually I should see this as a step forward because I've made it into work in spite of everything.

I can't really focus on anything. I often find that I lose time and I'm not even sure what I have been doing. I find it exceptionally hard to focus on work and it's mentally exhausting to try and prevent my mind from wandering to Luke all the time. I want so much to just hide away under my duvet and just come out when Luke is back and everything is as it should be. I often look at Luke and just tell him that I'm suppose to be his wife so he just needs to come back and sort this out. Then I think I'm a crazy person for talking to a photo but that's my life atm. I have become a crazy woman that talks to photos, fish an guinea pigs. Fuck it...I should just go all out and get a bloody cat. :'( This is not how we planned it Luke!!!!!

I miss our closeness. You just knew me Luke. You gave the best cuddles and the best kisses. You were the best for snuggles in bed and the best at night time mischief ;). This sounds very cheesy and soft but everything was so colourful with you. But now it's all very grey and foggy; I can barely see my hands if I hold them out in front of me. I'm not sure what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what my life is supposed to look like without you. To carry on in the same way just doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me love life. It doesn't have a purpose without you.

Part of me thinks that I just have to make it through this first year. That after this year my life will get back on track. That a new path will form. That somehow I will have learned how to live without you and I will have learned how to live with the pain. That I will have found a new purpose and a new way of being happy again. That somehow life will become what it always was and what it was always meant to be with you. So I think...if I can just make it through this first year.

But I know from experience that this is a false hope. It is a false thought to hold onto. It won't get magically better after this first year. So what good does making it through the first year do? What will change after this year has passed? Nothing. Absolutely nothing will change. Luke will still be gone. Our life has still been taken. Making it through this first year just leaves another 50 odd years left to fight through. I can not live the rest of my life feeling this way and living this way because for starters...Luke would not be happy with me! He would not want me to sit my life away just waiting for it to end. But I just don't know what I want to do or how I want to live right now. What I do know is hoping to make it to the end of this first year is pointless. My feelings will not be any less. The pain will not lessen and living without Luke will not be any easier or any more normal than it is now.

I just want Luke home. I want him to come through that door all sweaty because he'd been for a run or come back from the gym. I want to hear him rummaging in the kitchen cupboards or singing the fat song to me as I eat chocolate and crisps. I want him to grab me like he used to and to kiss me like he used to. I was supposed to see your cheeky grin as you informed me that it was steak and bj day yesterday. But instead I'm left in a void. A big, black void of nothing.

It's been 5 months today and you're my first and last thought everyday. You're my thought every second of everyday and in the spaces in between. I love you more with each passing day and I'm still not convinced that this is really happening because you promised me forever. You promised me that I would be your wife. You promised me Luke and you're not supposed to break your promises or my heart. You're supposed to be here. You said that you were forever mine so you need to come back because 'forever' hasn't ended yet.

 I miss you Perryman. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Still standing. Still waiting...

I don't really know what to write. All that I have to say has already been said I think. My feelings to this whole situation have not changed. The pain and the hurt hasn't changed. Nothing has changed. It's all the same. Everyday is the same battle and the same fight. The only difference from day to day might be the events that cause me to stop and lose my breath.

Recently all I see is Luke laid in that room. I just see him laid there not moving and everything hurts. I find it hard to breathe. How is it possible for someone with so much life to end up so still? How is that even possible? I just wanted him to wake up. I can't grasp how it is possible for life to end so suddenly. Where did he go? I mean seriously, where did Luke go? All that love, fun and kindness and laughter. Where did all of this go? I hope Luke didn't know what was happening. I hope he wasn't aware of the seriousness of his injuries. I hate the thought of him suffering or being scared because he didn't deserve this. I wish I had been there with him. The people who attended to him all had time to contact me. I could have been there. I could have been there with him when he needed me the most. But instead he died and I wasn't there with him. This is really hard to come to terms with. I should have been there. I could have been there if someone had told me. But no-one told me until you were already gone. But I could have been there Luke and I am so sorry I wasn't. I just didn't know. I didn't know.

I've had 6 dreams with Luke since he died. But none of the dreams are of past memories. None of the dreams are of things we have already done. None of the conversations are any that we have ever had before. They're all new. They're all places and things we haven't done together. And in the dreams we both acknowledge his death. We both acknowledge what has happened but then continue to talk about him coming home and what we're going to do. In a couple of the dreams though he has been very distant and I can't get to him. I stood right next to him but I couldn't connect to him. I couldn't reach him. I don't like those dreams. They are very confusing. It makes waking up even harder. I just want to get back into the dream. Even the dreams that don't feel so good, I just want to be back with him and talking to him. I'm not sure why this happened.

Mornings are not any easier. They are horrendous and hard. Waking up every morning with that first moment that everything is ok and then to remember all of it, just shoots an describable pain all the way through me. This happens EVERY SINGLE MORNING. Every morning, I have to fight through that first day all over again. Every morning is like that Thursday. Every morning is like this. Every morning I have to work through the emotions of shock and disbelief and the sickening overwhelming pain. I have to work through the morning routine while balling my eyes out like an uncontrollable idiot because nothing I do can stop the tears. Every morning I have to remind myself that I don't need to sneak about quietly because...well...who is there to wake up? Luke isn't tucked up in bed sleeping off the night shift. He hasn't left his pants on the floor after getting ready for the morning shift. There is a complete haunting emptiness and there is nothing that I can do to alter this. But every morning I have to fight through this. When will this end? When will I be able to just wake up and get on with the day? For the rest of my life I feel that I will have to live like this. I feel as though this is the path that has been set and I'm not sure how to fix it. How do you fix something that is lost forever?

Today I just wanted to hide under my duvet, so I did for most of the morning. I felt that I had a little more energy and a little more oomph to take on the rest of the day. So my day started this afternoon and it started sloooowly. I made a cup of tea. Then I put away some clothes. This was more than enough for the day, so I needed to just sit down because I was done. I actually spent ages just sitting the day out because today I had had enough. I hadn't done anything of any great substance but I'd had enough.

As I was still feeling like absolute crap, I decided that I'd take a different approach. I'd attempt the taking on the world approach. I cleaned out the guinea pigs and sorted the fish tank (which took a couple of hours as I hadn't done it for a while. Sorry Luke!) Did I feel better after doing this? No I didn't. Did it distract me? No it didn't. All it accomplished was a clean guinea pig cage and a clean fish tank. What's the bloody point? I think that I need to stop thinking that the things I do will make me feel better, because the blunt truth is that nothing makes me feel better. And it's just such a disappointment when I feel exactly the same.

I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want a first date with anyone but Luke. I don't want the hassle of dating all over again, always trying to second guess if the guy is genuine and worth it. I don't want the heartache of things ending all over again. I don't want to share my time and love with anyone but Luke. I don't want to be left and say goodbye to someone all over again, because I'm not sure if  have it in me. I have had to say good bye to far too many people in my life. And I am fed up and tired of it. I'm fed up of losing the people I love and care about. I'm tired of people coming in and out of my life. I hate change at the best of times but at this time it hurts so much more and I can't focus on anything. I can't think straight.

I don't want anyone but Luke. I can never love anyone like I love Luke and I wouldn't fit with anyone as well as I fitted with Luke. He just knew me. He knew how to handle me (apparently I'm high maintenance and hard work/demanding and intense?? I call it having standards and high expectations but there ya go!) and I knew how to handle him and his lad-ish ways! We just fitted so well together. We bounced off each other and we loved being together and with one another. I looked forward to him coming home. I can't give all of me to anyone else but Luke. But at the same time, I don't want to be a 65 year old woman all on my own. So what am I supposed to do? I just want Luke back. That would solve everything. That would make things all ok again...just like in my dreams. We'll acknowledge that he died but that he is coming home to me anyway. I wish this dream would come true.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do makes this any easier. Nothing distracts and even when I'm smiling and laughing (which does happen) I don't feel it like I used to. It's all cloaked and masked in an overwhelming feeling of wanting to burst into tears. It's all cloaked with the feeling of wanting to throw up at the thought of never seeing Luke again and my stomach knots so tightly it's everything I can do to remain standing upright and not to hit the floor in a heap. How is that possible to smile and laugh yet feel that way inside and to be battling with that suffocating feeling? I've yet to feel okay and by okay I mean...fully and really okay. The sort of okay that I had before Luke left. I haven't had one second...not even one second of this okay. Oh no wait. Yes I have...every morning when I first wake and then SMASH! Welcome to a new shit ass day without Luke. I'd rather not feel that particular okay in the mornings. Maybe then I'd make it to work sooner.  AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What the actual f£$%^&*(*&^%$£$%^&*ck!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have loads of things I want to say but it's nothing new to what I have already said. Thoughts just go round and round repeatedly. Why didn't you just take the car???


I miss you Perryman. My life changed for the better the day I met you and it ended the day I lost you. I just want you back. We're supposed to be cuddled up on our sofa. But instead I'm left with an empty space where you should be. I should have you. This isn't fair. You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve to die. I wish it had been me xxxxxxxx