I always thought I'd see you again...

6 months ago today I had walked into tesco to do our shop and I bought you a gift. I had no idea that it would be the very last thing that I ever got to buy for you. You had no idea that tonight would be the last time that you would arrive into work. I had no idea that tonight would be the very last time that I would hear you come home and feel you slide into bed beside me. If I had known I'd have woken up and spoken a little more than the odd murmur of,"Hey sexy man, love you." But we had no idea. This time 6 months ago I had made pasta bake for dinner, so that you could take it for dinner the next day. I had no idea that it would have been your last meal from me. If I had known, I'd have cooked you steak and I would have waited up for you. But I had no idea.

6 months ago tomorrow it would have been the very last time that I left you sleeping in bed while I went to work. It was the last time that I would be able to hold you and get a hug from you. 6 months ago tomorrow was the last time that I kissed you. How has it been 6 months?
Tomorrow is the 15th AND it's a Wednesday. Two shit things together. It really could be 6 months ago. I can't believe Luke never came home.

This time last year Luke and I were so excited about going to New York at Xmas and about getting married. We were placing an offer on our home. We were paving the way for our continued future together. But tonight I get to sit here and I miss you so much. I get to sit here and wonder if I'm going to make it through tomorrow morning. Judging from how tonight has been and how I'm currently feeling I think tomorrow is going to be a write off. I wish so much that I could see you again. I hate that I'm on my own to live this life. I hate that you are gone. I miss you so much that my whole body aches.

It's been 6 months and I have learned so much yet still don't have a clue. I am learning that ultimately you have to fight this battle on your own. You have to work this out on your own. You have to handle all the shit that's thrown your way on a daily basis on your fucking own. Brilliant.

I have decided to compile a few things that 'they' don't tell you about losing your entire world. It's not meant to be offensive. This is just my personal experience of it.

It hurts more than you could ever imagine.

No matter how much you said 'I love you', or hugged them or laughed with them or how much time you spent with them...it will never seem like enough once they are gone. You will wish you had spent more time being together. Don't feel guilty. It's called everyday life.

You will question the point of working and not being able to live because of work getting in the way. You may wonder why you wasted so many hours doing work instead of living. Just remember though that you do need money to pay the bills so that there is a point to work. Remember: work gives you the means to live a lifestyle you want.

You will question your view of the relationship. Did they really love you? Was it as amazing and as special as you believed it to be? You will think of small debates you may have had. This is normal. Remember...if they had lived, you would still be very much in love and together.

You will avoid old routines. This is ok. 

Everyone has an opinion on how you should grieve and move on. You will come across people who feel they are experts on this because they have lost their long lost Aunt etc. Ignore their advice. They don't have a clue. 

People drift away and back into their own lives. Expect this. It will happen. No matter how many of them say it won't and that they are there for you no matter what, life moves on and so does your support network around you. This hurts but it's ok.

You will have to get used to sitting on your own and being comfortable as a 'one'. This does not happen over night. I am still not used to this and I don't know when I will be.

People will expect you to be doing much better than you actually are. They will be expecting you to be getting on with things just because you may have had some small steps of success by absolute fluke.

You will never be prepared for the moments, events or things that reduce you to unexpected tears.

You will want to punch many people in the face. Try really hard not to do this. It's not their fault.

You will dread dinner parties surrounded by couples. Starter and dessert for one. Cheers.

People will see you smile and believe that you are doing OK. They may even judge you for being happy. Real friends will understand that you're coping in that one moment but won't expect you to keep it up. They will see the effort that it takes.

You will comfort others and apologise to them for making them feel awkward. Don't punch them in the face for this. It's not their fault. Or yours. It's just how it is.

You really will see who cares for you and who doesn't. It will surprise you. You will even experience many 'friends' who expect you to go to them and expect you to make the effort to make contact with them and to maintain the friendship. These particular friends get offended when you don't. My advice...it's their problem and I hope they never find themselves in my situation. 

You will become exceptionally good at paperwork yet at the same time feel like you are drowning in it.

You will become very tired at unexpected times of the day and probably won't sleep at night. Don't expect to focus on many things.

Doctors don't like handing out sleeping pills. Find alternative ways to fall asleep.

Be prepared for the amount of rubbish you will buy. I have bought endless numbers of shoes and dresses. Many of which I'll probably never wear as I don't have the occasion to wear them too. But it gave me something to do.

You won't want to shower. You will begin to grow your own eco-system before you move towards that water! Move when you're ready.

Your appetite may completely vanish in those first days/weeks. It's ok. Your body will let you eat once you are ready to. Drink water, fruit juices and put a packet of grapes or chocolate in a bowl next to you. It's easy to grab food with no effort.

Cooking a meal for one is depressing when you should have been cooking it for two. It's completely different to cooking as a uni student or a single person. It is just depressing.

You will have moments in the day when you think you are going to take on the whole world. You convince yourself that you are going to make the most of your life and that you are going to live. Then you will have moments (almost simultaneously) where everything becomes just too heavy to handle. There's not a lot you can do about that.


I wish so much that you were here Luke. I can't believe it's going to be 6 months. It all hurts so much. xxx

Just a ramble of thoughts

So the inquest is over. I don't feel relief or closure or any better. The van driver was there. I went to the inquest feeling sorry for him. I left the inquest wanting to punch him in the face. Even now thinking about it, I want to punch him in his face. Repeatedly!! I don't believe he's innocent. I don't believe he's telling the whole truth. I don't believe that he was concentrating yet still failed to see Luke. I've been round that bend. It isn't sloped and you can see oncoming traffic...if you were bothering to pay attention. I don't believe he was paying attention. Why did his vehicle come to rest so far past Luke? Why didn't he fucking brake??? dickhead. He showed no remorse. He showed no emotion. He didn't look at any of us. Even if he was innocent (which I don't believe) you'd think he would say something or look like he was sorry. I would be sorry if I was him. There was a cause to Luke's accident. I believe it was the van driver.

It is 5.06am and I woke up about an hour ago. I saw Luke and he was alive. He had scars from the accident but he was alive. But then I woke up and it's all very confusing and surreal! So now I am wide awake. I wish s much Luke was here.  I wish we could all wake up and realise that all of this has just been one big nightmare and that Luke is alive. I wish we had been married and danced the night away. I don't understand why Luke had to miss out.

Yesterday I did something that would have made Luke laugh and I cried because of this. My biscuit fell off in my tea! Luke would have laughed a lot at me and I ached for his laughter and teasing, but it never came. I never heard him laugh and I didn't see him smiling at me. I missed his quick waddle walk out to the kitchen to save the day with a teaspoon. I missed you Luke.

Smiling is hard. Carrying on without you feels impossible and gut wrenching. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. There are so many events I wish you were a part of. We've just had Easter and I know you would have eaten the ears from my chocolate rabbit again, just like you did the other year. You would have bought me creme eggs because I loved eating them and then you would sing the fat song as I tucked in to them. I didn't buy creme eggs this year. It's the very first time ever that I haven't had a creme egg. But I just couldn't bare to eat one knowing I wasn't going to hear your voice. Silly I know. It's just an egg.

I made scrambled egg the other afternoon and it needed a little extra in it. I had chorizo in the fridge and I thought of adding it like you always did for your breakfast. Then I cried and left it in the fridge. How is it fair that I'm allowed to continue to live and breathe but you are not? I couldn't make the same eggs that you used to make. It hurt too much. I know that's silly. It was just a bit of chorizo and scrambled egg. But it was missing you.

The house looks as though you will come home one day. Everything is as you left it. (Except for the flood damaged stuff). Your cereal is as it was when you left. Your healthy snacks are still in the cupboard. Foods that you eat but I don't remain in the freezer and cupboard. I don't know why I am keeping them because you are not coming back to eat them but I can't bring myself to bin them. It feels too definite and too final. I don't want to bin parts of you, which again seems ridiculous because it's just food that isn't going to be eaten. You wouldn't want me holding on like this. I know you wouldn't but I can't let go. I don't want to let go.

It's very tiring living everyday without you. I wonder what you would say and the unspoken conversations that we might have had. I imagine your looks that you would give me when I did something daft. I wonder what we might have done this Easter. I know we spoke about going snowboarding as a last minute deal. Then I wonder if you would have been posted away somewhere. I think of all the things we spoke about doing and I'm afraid that I won't be able to complete them. They're just not the same without you. They're not dreams without you.

I still don't believe you are gone yet everything around me is screaming at me that you are. Your jammies are still on the bed. Your man room is still covered with things on the floor how you left it. I have removed your work clothes though. That was hard. But I imagine you would have been ok with that first step. You weren't a huge fan of your uniform! I only managed to do a bag and that was me done for the day. You aren't suppose to leave me to live our life without you Perryman!

I'm still losing time. Things still take me a long time to do. I find if I have company and friends here then I'm better and I get sorted relatively quickly but when it's just me...time runs away and before I'm dressed and ready to start the day it' already late afternoon. I'm not even sure what I do. I think perhaps I sit and think of you.

Everything is just so empty. I feel empty without you. I still don't know what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what my life is suppose to look like now or where it is suppose to lead. I only ever wanted to be a wife to an amazing man. That was my dream and I found you, which made my dream just perfect. But you're gone and we're gone and the dream is gone. So what now?

You're supposed to be here. You're supposed to hold me and I'm supposed to be snuggled up to you. I miss you Perryman and I love you so much. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx