An unmarried widow in a world of couples. Still here though!

So the inquest is coming up soon. This is where we find out everything that we need to know. This is where we learn what actually happened to Luke. This is where we get our questions answered. This is where we get the final piece to the jig saw and we'll all feel so much better. (Yeah right.) Except I don't believe our questions will be answered. I'm not convinced we will learn what really happened to Luke. I do not believe that we will feel any better or relief. I am preparing myself to be left with more questions than answers but I guess this is just something that I have to deal with and accept. I haven't worked out how I will deal with this and accept it but I don't have any other option. 

This weekend I have been out on both Friday and Saturday night. It's a weird experience to be out but knowing everything is wrong. When Luke was alive I had been out without him because he would be posted away somewhere, so being in the club without Luke isn't a completely alien experience. What makes it hard is that I would always text him or ring him. But I look at my phone and there is no-one to text. There is no-one to say, "Really wish you were out with me," to. There is no-one to send sneaky pictures to. After the night out there is no good night text to send or read. This is what is horrible about being out. I have to go home and crawl into an empty bed. I don't have a Perryman to wake up and get some fun with. I don't have a Perryman to cuddle up to. I don't have a Perryman to kiss and say I love you too. I don't have Luke. I don'y have my Luke.

I was Luke's world and he was mine. Every time I go out and every time I see couples it just serves as another reminder that all of this has gone. Who I was with Luke has been stripped away. Now my world, my Luke has gone and I'm no longer important or special to someone. I'm not somebody's someone who they think about. I'm no longer an everything to someone. I've become a nothing. In one quick movement I went from being Luke's world to a nobody. It is hard to accept that I'm not in someone's thoughts in that way anymore. I'm no longer desired by someone and I no longer have someone that wants to kiss me and grab me and spend the rest of their lives with me. We have gone from having everything we could have ever wanted to this. Luke didn't deserve this. 

I do feel angry. I don't feel angry about what I have lost. I am angry at what Luke has lost. I am angry that this happened to Luke. There are so many other people that this could have happened to but it happened to my Luke and I'm angry. Luke should be alive and still loving life. Luke shouldn't have suffered the way he did. He just deserved to be here. He deserved and it was his right to continue having an amazing life. So I am angry for Luke.

I go about my days on auto pilot in a daze. I have become an expert at having conversations with people and then not having a clue what it was we were talking about. I have become an expert at doing everyday things around the house but not paying any attention to what I am actually doing. I have become an expert at responding with, "Yeah fine thanks."

I haven't quite worked out how you avoid thinking about Luke to enable yourself to get through the day. I haven't worked out how to blank this out. I don't think it is possible. I don't think it is possible to un-know what has happened. I don't think it is possible to not think about Luke and everything we were and could have been. When I am doing things, I think that this would have been so different if Luke had been here. I wouldn't be sat in the house on such a beautiful day. We would have been out at the pub or having a picnic or having cream tea with ruddles clotted cream. We would be in the garden with the bbq. We would have been together and knowing how lucky we are. Luke would have been out on his motorbike for a little bit or he would have gone mountain biking for the morning. Or we would have stayed in bed all morning enjoying one another. But instead I am here on my own.

I wrote in one of my past blogs that I wasn't sure who I am or where I fit. I have decided for now (and this may change) that I am in a very unique category. I mentioned that I wasn't technically a widow because Luke and I were not married. To Luke's family and friends I was Luke's wife but in the eyes of the law I am not anything important in Luke's life, which is hard to grasp but there ya go. So I have decided to create a whole new category. I am an unmarried widow. This is a very hard group to be in because as I just mentioned above, to some people you will be viewed as though you were married and as husband and wife (just 69 days Luke!!!!!). But to others you are not seen as important. You are not seen as an important part to your man's life. Even though we had set up a life together, I am not seen by law as a wife. 

This means that you have to prove that you were indeed important. Imagine losing your everything and then having to prove who you were/are to others. Imagine having to say, "No I'm not some one night stand or gf of a couple of weeks. I'm not some 'she'll do for the moment' girl. I am the woman that Luke chose to spend the rest of his life with. I am an important piece of Luke's life." That is what I have had to do with some legal things and the paperwork aftermath of losing Luke, which just makes everything even harder. It can even make you doubt yourself and can make you doubt if you really were important to the one that you have lost. So I need to keep reminding myself that Luke chose me. He asked me to marry him. (The man that never wanted to be married asked me to marry him!) Luke chose to build a home with me. He chose a life with me. He could have picked anyone. He could have done whatever he wanted and he chose me. But it can be hard to remember this when everything else is going on. 

I have been extremely lucky to have Luke's mum, dad and sister being as kind as they have been to me. Because I can imagine there are other unmarried widows who are not as lucky as I am. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had lost the relationship with Luke's family too. So I have been exceptionally lucky to have been accepted into Luke's family. 

We almost had everything Luke. I would give up everything and anything to have you back with me. Life never stays good and  don;t know why. Something always goes wrong. Something always changes and it's always so sudden and unexpected. You made me the happiest girl alive Luke and I love you to the moon and back. Forever yours xxxxxxx

Holding on with my eyes shut...

5 months. 5 months and the pain just builds. I personally think it has gotten harder. In the beginning I could attempt to fool myself into thinking you were away with work or on some jolly with your friends. But as time ticks by it just grounds the fact that you are truly gone even deeper into my heart. I find looking at your photos so hard. Sometimes I just have to look away because I can't grasp how you are so alive in the photos yet I can't ever touch or hold you again.

I'm afraid that I am forgetting your voice and how you sounded. I'm afraid that I will forget the things you used to say to me and the jokes we shared. I'm afraid I will forget the things that we did or the foods you loved to eat. I'm afraid of losing you all over again.

I am still attempting to return to work. So far I have made it into work everyday at some point before 3.00pm. In the past week or so I have managed to get in for the am and the last few days I have succeeded at getting in for 10 something. Sometimes it is 10.15 or 10.45 or some other time. I am slowly learning (after being told many times, which has actually been a huge help) that I should hold on to the small steps of success and to not put myself under pressure. I see it as a failed day if I don't get in for the 9am start (which has only happened once since all of this). But actually I should see this as a step forward because I've made it into work in spite of everything.

I can't really focus on anything. I often find that I lose time and I'm not even sure what I have been doing. I find it exceptionally hard to focus on work and it's mentally exhausting to try and prevent my mind from wandering to Luke all the time. I want so much to just hide away under my duvet and just come out when Luke is back and everything is as it should be. I often look at Luke and just tell him that I'm suppose to be his wife so he just needs to come back and sort this out. Then I think I'm a crazy person for talking to a photo but that's my life atm. I have become a crazy woman that talks to photos, fish an guinea pigs. Fuck it...I should just go all out and get a bloody cat. :'( This is not how we planned it Luke!!!!!

I miss our closeness. You just knew me Luke. You gave the best cuddles and the best kisses. You were the best for snuggles in bed and the best at night time mischief ;). This sounds very cheesy and soft but everything was so colourful with you. But now it's all very grey and foggy; I can barely see my hands if I hold them out in front of me. I'm not sure what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what my life is supposed to look like without you. To carry on in the same way just doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me love life. It doesn't have a purpose without you.

Part of me thinks that I just have to make it through this first year. That after this year my life will get back on track. That a new path will form. That somehow I will have learned how to live without you and I will have learned how to live with the pain. That I will have found a new purpose and a new way of being happy again. That somehow life will become what it always was and what it was always meant to be with you. So I think...if I can just make it through this first year.

But I know from experience that this is a false hope. It is a false thought to hold onto. It won't get magically better after this first year. So what good does making it through the first year do? What will change after this year has passed? Nothing. Absolutely nothing will change. Luke will still be gone. Our life has still been taken. Making it through this first year just leaves another 50 odd years left to fight through. I can not live the rest of my life feeling this way and living this way because for starters...Luke would not be happy with me! He would not want me to sit my life away just waiting for it to end. But I just don't know what I want to do or how I want to live right now. What I do know is hoping to make it to the end of this first year is pointless. My feelings will not be any less. The pain will not lessen and living without Luke will not be any easier or any more normal than it is now.

I just want Luke home. I want him to come through that door all sweaty because he'd been for a run or come back from the gym. I want to hear him rummaging in the kitchen cupboards or singing the fat song to me as I eat chocolate and crisps. I want him to grab me like he used to and to kiss me like he used to. I was supposed to see your cheeky grin as you informed me that it was steak and bj day yesterday. But instead I'm left in a void. A big, black void of nothing.

It's been 5 months today and you're my first and last thought everyday. You're my thought every second of everyday and in the spaces in between. I love you more with each passing day and I'm still not convinced that this is really happening because you promised me forever. You promised me that I would be your wife. You promised me Luke and you're not supposed to break your promises or my heart. You're supposed to be here. You said that you were forever mine so you need to come back because 'forever' hasn't ended yet.

 I miss you Perryman. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Still standing. Still waiting...

I don't really know what to write. All that I have to say has already been said I think. My feelings to this whole situation have not changed. The pain and the hurt hasn't changed. Nothing has changed. It's all the same. Everyday is the same battle and the same fight. The only difference from day to day might be the events that cause me to stop and lose my breath.

Recently all I see is Luke laid in that room. I just see him laid there not moving and everything hurts. I find it hard to breathe. How is it possible for someone with so much life to end up so still? How is that even possible? I just wanted him to wake up. I can't grasp how it is possible for life to end so suddenly. Where did he go? I mean seriously, where did Luke go? All that love, fun and kindness and laughter. Where did all of this go? I hope Luke didn't know what was happening. I hope he wasn't aware of the seriousness of his injuries. I hate the thought of him suffering or being scared because he didn't deserve this. I wish I had been there with him. The people who attended to him all had time to contact me. I could have been there. I could have been there with him when he needed me the most. But instead he died and I wasn't there with him. This is really hard to come to terms with. I should have been there. I could have been there if someone had told me. But no-one told me until you were already gone. But I could have been there Luke and I am so sorry I wasn't. I just didn't know. I didn't know.

I've had 6 dreams with Luke since he died. But none of the dreams are of past memories. None of the dreams are of things we have already done. None of the conversations are any that we have ever had before. They're all new. They're all places and things we haven't done together. And in the dreams we both acknowledge his death. We both acknowledge what has happened but then continue to talk about him coming home and what we're going to do. In a couple of the dreams though he has been very distant and I can't get to him. I stood right next to him but I couldn't connect to him. I couldn't reach him. I don't like those dreams. They are very confusing. It makes waking up even harder. I just want to get back into the dream. Even the dreams that don't feel so good, I just want to be back with him and talking to him. I'm not sure why this happened.

Mornings are not any easier. They are horrendous and hard. Waking up every morning with that first moment that everything is ok and then to remember all of it, just shoots an describable pain all the way through me. This happens EVERY SINGLE MORNING. Every morning, I have to fight through that first day all over again. Every morning is like that Thursday. Every morning is like this. Every morning I have to work through the emotions of shock and disbelief and the sickening overwhelming pain. I have to work through the morning routine while balling my eyes out like an uncontrollable idiot because nothing I do can stop the tears. Every morning I have to remind myself that I don't need to sneak about quietly because...well...who is there to wake up? Luke isn't tucked up in bed sleeping off the night shift. He hasn't left his pants on the floor after getting ready for the morning shift. There is a complete haunting emptiness and there is nothing that I can do to alter this. But every morning I have to fight through this. When will this end? When will I be able to just wake up and get on with the day? For the rest of my life I feel that I will have to live like this. I feel as though this is the path that has been set and I'm not sure how to fix it. How do you fix something that is lost forever?

Today I just wanted to hide under my duvet, so I did for most of the morning. I felt that I had a little more energy and a little more oomph to take on the rest of the day. So my day started this afternoon and it started sloooowly. I made a cup of tea. Then I put away some clothes. This was more than enough for the day, so I needed to just sit down because I was done. I actually spent ages just sitting the day out because today I had had enough. I hadn't done anything of any great substance but I'd had enough.

As I was still feeling like absolute crap, I decided that I'd take a different approach. I'd attempt the taking on the world approach. I cleaned out the guinea pigs and sorted the fish tank (which took a couple of hours as I hadn't done it for a while. Sorry Luke!) Did I feel better after doing this? No I didn't. Did it distract me? No it didn't. All it accomplished was a clean guinea pig cage and a clean fish tank. What's the bloody point? I think that I need to stop thinking that the things I do will make me feel better, because the blunt truth is that nothing makes me feel better. And it's just such a disappointment when I feel exactly the same.

I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want a first date with anyone but Luke. I don't want the hassle of dating all over again, always trying to second guess if the guy is genuine and worth it. I don't want the heartache of things ending all over again. I don't want to share my time and love with anyone but Luke. I don't want to be left and say goodbye to someone all over again, because I'm not sure if  have it in me. I have had to say good bye to far too many people in my life. And I am fed up and tired of it. I'm fed up of losing the people I love and care about. I'm tired of people coming in and out of my life. I hate change at the best of times but at this time it hurts so much more and I can't focus on anything. I can't think straight.

I don't want anyone but Luke. I can never love anyone like I love Luke and I wouldn't fit with anyone as well as I fitted with Luke. He just knew me. He knew how to handle me (apparently I'm high maintenance and hard work/demanding and intense?? I call it having standards and high expectations but there ya go!) and I knew how to handle him and his lad-ish ways! We just fitted so well together. We bounced off each other and we loved being together and with one another. I looked forward to him coming home. I can't give all of me to anyone else but Luke. But at the same time, I don't want to be a 65 year old woman all on my own. So what am I supposed to do? I just want Luke back. That would solve everything. That would make things all ok again...just like in my dreams. We'll acknowledge that he died but that he is coming home to me anyway. I wish this dream would come true.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do makes this any easier. Nothing distracts and even when I'm smiling and laughing (which does happen) I don't feel it like I used to. It's all cloaked and masked in an overwhelming feeling of wanting to burst into tears. It's all cloaked with the feeling of wanting to throw up at the thought of never seeing Luke again and my stomach knots so tightly it's everything I can do to remain standing upright and not to hit the floor in a heap. How is that possible to smile and laugh yet feel that way inside and to be battling with that suffocating feeling? I've yet to feel okay and by okay I mean...fully and really okay. The sort of okay that I had before Luke left. I haven't had one second...not even one second of this okay. Oh no wait. Yes I have...every morning when I first wake and then SMASH! Welcome to a new shit ass day without Luke. I'd rather not feel that particular okay in the mornings. Maybe then I'd make it to work sooner.  AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What the actual f£$%^&*(*&^%$£$%^&*ck!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have loads of things I want to say but it's nothing new to what I have already said. Thoughts just go round and round repeatedly. Why didn't you just take the car???


I miss you Perryman. My life changed for the better the day I met you and it ended the day I lost you. I just want you back. We're supposed to be cuddled up on our sofa. But instead I'm left with an empty space where you should be. I should have you. This isn't fair. You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve to die. I wish it had been me xxxxxxxx