So Dad had another scan and the cancer is back quite considerably. The oncologist wanted him to have chemotherapy again and has said Dad has 12months ish with treatment. He wanted Dad to have the super drug called 'permetrexed' but we were told that Lincoln pct would not fund this drug, so instead they wanted to give Dad a less effective drug than the last one. Well what was the point in that?!!? So we fought the decision. We appealed it and wrote to our mp and I prayed. I find it disgusting that my Dad's life is dependent on some jobs-body in a suit more concerned with money than life. Cancer treatment should not be a postcode lottery. People with cancer have enough things to worry over without adding the 'am I living in the right place to receive the most effective treatment?!?!' It's disgusting. Anyway good news is that the decision was overturned and Dad was granted the drug. We were very pleased but I don't think Dad was as keen. He doesn't want chemo again because of the last lot. But he is giving it another go for us.
So Dad had the first cycle 3 weeks ago. It was different this time round. He was in excrutiating pain and really ill for the first week but then began to pull out of it. He doesn't want chemo. I can see it in his eyes. I can see the fear in Mum's eyes and in Dad's eyes and there is nothing I can do. Dad is in so much pain. I can't believe that he is having to go through this. He doesn't deserve this at all. He's my Dad and I love him. He has shown such amazing stamina and strength. I try to imagine how he is feeling but as I've never experienced anything like this myself it's hard to understand just what he is going through. Dad is frustrated because he can't get us to understand and no one really knows what it is like for Dad and Mum is getting stressy because she doesn't know what to do. Cancer doesn't just attack a person physically but it hits them emotionally, mentally and then it attacks the relationships around them. I'm praying on this. Relationships are important and cancer isn't going to steal them away.
Dad is back in hospital tonight for the second cycle. It was a killer leaving him. He looks so vulnerable and scared. I wish I could help him. I wish I could make this all right. I wish screaming at God would make Him fix it but I don't feel as though I'm battling against God in this now. I know that God is here and He is doing something. I don't know what it is but all I can do is have faith that it's going to be for good.
I'm trying hard not to worry about things. There is a lot going on at the moment but all we can do is take one day at a time. I can't alter what is happening but I can support Mum and Dad in it. Shouting and screaming and cursing God or blaming God isn't going to change the situation. It isn't going to make it ok or fix everything. So the choices I have to keep going is 1) spend my time casting blame and being angry and asking why? why us? why Dad? why isn't God healing Dad?Why is this happening? Why are there bad things in the world? or 2) I can think..what now? what next? What can I do to help? What can I do to trust in God more? How can we pull through this? What next God?
I think option 2 is better. It moves your mind into action and not to sit dwelling on a situation that is here whether we like it or not.
I'll be praying for my Dad tonight; that he isn't alone and that he feels love and peace. I'll be praying for the chemo to work and that Dad will have strength to continue this fight. Even if you're not a believer...every little prayer helps...
I love you Dad xxxxxxxx
