So there have been lots and lots of different things happening since my last blog. I can't beliee just how much has happened! Dad went into St Barnabus hospice so that they could help with his pain control. He was in so much pain it was agony to watch. They were amazing and his pain has been controlled. This means he can do things again and this has also given him a better fight to live :). While Dad was in the hospice and going through his chemo, my nan (Mum's mum) started to complain about not having out attention and saying she was ill. We took her to the doctors many times in one week and they all said the same thing. They all said that she had a water infection that had taken hold and she just needed to take the pills. But nan appeared to not be taking the pills. She said she was confused. Doctors sais that a water infection can do that to older ladies. So they continued to treat her for the water infection. We were more concerned with Dad though because he was back in for chemo and in tonnes of pain. Nan wanted to live with us but we couldn't risk Dad catching what she might have. I took her to the hospital with Cherie and the doctor gave her more pills again for a water infection. We were all just wanting nan to take her bloody pills, so that we could focus on Dad. But nan still insisted that she wasn't well and even though the doctors were all saying the same thing, we figured the best thing for nan while we were dealing with Dad would be to place nan into hospital. At least in there they could take care of her, make sure she was eating and taking her pills. We figured she'd be out within 2/3weeks was the infection was treated. We visited nan most nights and she was sometimes quite mean to Mum. The doctors kept changing their minds on what was wrong with her. They said it was a social cognitive thing, then they said it was depression, then they said it was an infection. So we thought it was a good job nan was in there. At least they could look after her. Then Dad went into the hospice, so we couldn't see nan that week. Her friends were going in to see her but I wanted to be there for Dad and once he was ok, then we would go and see Nan. Well life is a bitch sometimes. It likes to remind us that things don't work in our orders. Nan deteriotated massively in that week. She lost her ability to speak and lost a lot of her motor control. She was wetting herself and it was all so odd. We didn't know what had happened to her because the doctors had said it was a water infection. Nan wasn't suppose to get worse. She was suppose to get better, so that we could be there for her once we had sorted Dad.
But Nan didn't get better. She got worse and worse. In the space of a few weeks she went from being Nan to a woman that didn't look like Nan at all. One doctor came to look at nan and said he suspected it was CJD. He was right. There is no cure for CJD. So in a way it was a good job that Nan didn't know or find out what it was because she would have been terrified! Hopefully she didn't know what was happenin but I suspect she did :(. I did go and pray with her, while she still had some understandig of who I was and this seemed to relax her a little. It was quite scary doing this in front of Mum though. Mum doesn't believe. Nan did though. Nan died on the 10th July. I've never seen a dead person before. It wasn't very nice. I miss Nan. She was a mean woman to Mum and I didn't like her for the way she treated Mum but she was a good Nan.
Dad had another CT scan done as well. The scan showed more cancer growth. The oncologist said that this shows the treatment is not working and so treatment would be stopped. But this man was comparing this CT scan to a scan done 12 weeks prior to Dad starting chemo. So that growth could have happened then. I prayed that Dad would get another chance. That this wasn't it. God answered that prayer. Dad saw his normal oncologist who said it was worth continuing treatment because the scan doesn't show a true picture. Dad only has two more treatments to go now. He goes in on Sunday for chemo 5. The oncologist has also suggested that Dad undergoes radiotherapy everyday for three weeks on his shoulder. Nana sid that Dad will not like that because he will feel like he is burning. We're not telling Dad that part.
I'm a little cross with Mum. I love her to pieces and she has been amazing with all of this. She has been very strong for all of us and I can't imagaine what she must be feeling having just lost her Mum and knowing that she'll lose Dad. But I am a little cross. Dad is undergoing chemo for us and for Mum. If he had a choice he wouldn't be doing it. He doens't want the treatment. But he is fighting for us and for Mum. Prior to chemo Dad has to go to the hospital to have his bloods checked etc and to have scans. Mum won't go with him tomorrow because she, 'can't cope with anymore negativity.' Well Dad can't do this on his own. It's not his fault he has cancer. He can't pick and choose when he faces it or not. He doesn't have a choice. It's not his fault and so he shouldn't have to go through any part of this alone. I hate the thought of cancer and I hate what is happening. But I will not have him go through any of this alone. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and get on with things. Burying heads in the sand doesn't help Dad. It leaves him to face this on his own and I won't allow that to happen. I am going with him to the hospital. Mum said we were all in this together. So we need to be together regardless of how bad things get. You can't walk away when it gets too much because Dad can't walk away. I'm thankful that God doens't walk away when things get tough. I'm getting the feeling I'll be needing some of his strength soon.
Dad has begun to plan his funeral. I have found a nice reading. Rick and Jamie don't want to think about it and Mum doesn't want anything to do with it because she can't cope with it. Well I don't like the thought of it either. I would much rather stick my head in the sand and pretend that none of this is happening. But we're a family and I love Dad. And as I said before; I won't let him face any of this alone. So I am helping him to plan his funeral. He has looked at the coffin that he might have and looked at the hearse. It's a motorbike one! Dad said he will have a church service and then to the crematoriom. We have discussed where he wants to be scattered. Mum doesn't want the curtains to close round the coffin but I want them to close and Dad said he would want them to shut. But Mum doesn't want them to. How is that closure if they are still open?!!??!?!?!?!?!?! We need to look at music. Dad loves Les Miserable, so I was thinking one of the songs from there. I really don't want Dad to die. I certainly don't want him to die anytime soon! I also pray and I hope that Dad becomes a Christian before his dies. Please!!!
xx
