I've lost you. xx

What have I learned over these past few weeks? Time is NOT healer. This will not get better in time. Luke has been gone for four months. FOUR MONTHS!! Nothing has changed. I have not changed. This feeling has not changed. This loss and pain has not changed. Nothing has changed. Actually no that's a lie. It's gotten worse. Things that I could deal with before I can't deal with now. They stop me from breathing. I am trying so hard to carry on; to pick myself up and to carry on. But all I think is how unfair it all is. Luke deserved to live. He deserved to be here. He really was the kindest man ever and he made me the luckiest girl alive. He should be here. I wish it had been me that was taken and not Luke, because he deserved to be here. He deserved to be happy and to live. God he deserved to live! Luke lost his life in an accident. An accident that shouldn't have happened and it certainly shouldn't have ended how it did. Why Luke? Why us? Why has this happened to his Mum and Dad? To his sister and Gran and Grandad? This should not have happened. But it has and I don't know how to go on from here. I don't even know if I want to.

We should be so happy right now. We should be laughing and joking and loving each other. Luke should be getting up to mischief and buying more random things from ebay. We should be creating more silly little sayings that only we understand. We should be together. We deserved to be together. We deserved to be Mr and Mrs Perryman. Luke deserved to live. If I had to lose Luke I would rather he had left me and walked away with someone else. Because at least he would still be alive. He would still be here and he would still have the happiness he deserved. (Although I would probably have wanted to kill him myself if he ran off with some hussy! But still...I rather that than this.

This week I went to Amsterdam. It was suppose to serve as a distraction. It was suppose to give me a break from everything. It was suppose to help me escape this whole life. But it didn't. It was gutting to know that not even a holiday to a different place can act as a distraction. Running away to an alternative place didn't leave the nightmare at home. I thought about Luke all the time, wishing he was there and imagining what he would be doing or saying. I imagined what we would be doing and I so desperately wanted him there. I wanted to sit and eat breakfast with him instead of sitting in that room on my own. I hated breakfast on my own. It just served as yet another smash in the face that Luke was gone and that ultimately...I am on my own. 

Amsterdam and doing things did not serve as a distraction because you can't distract yourself from a feeling. And that is what it is. I'm not miserable because I have thoughts of Luke all the time. Sometimes I am thinking of something else (like make a cup of tea, go and shower, shit I'm late for work...again, organise a meal for Luke's friends) but despite thinking other things, that feeling remains. The feeling of complete despair and loss. That feeling that this is wrong. This feeling that life has ended and it will never be the same. That feeling of utter panic of having to live the rest of my life without the one person that made life worthwhile. And it's this feeling that suffocates my every breath. It's the feeling that suffocates my every thought. It's the feeling that makes everyday things so fucking hard. It's the feeling that I have to hide from others because they don't get it, or because they're over losing Luke now and have moved on. It's the feeling that doesn't dissipate no matter what I do and no matter what I am doing. 

How can I describe the feeling as something you could see? It's heavy...really heavy and if it had a colour it would be a thick, dark, black smoke that encases and damages and harms everything it touches. You can't hide from it. You can't shut the door on it, because even if you can't see it, you would be able to smell it. It chokes you with each breath you take and you can't see clearly through it. In fact most of the time you just have to feel your way through the dark and hope for the best. Sometimes you stumble and can't get back up. Sometimes you get back up only to be hit with it all over again. It wouldn't matter if you were doing something because that smoke, that feeling is always there and it sticks to you and every part of your life like hot tar. You don't have to be thinking about it to know that it is there. If you try to pay it no attention, it gets heavier and darker and more vicious. it can't be outrun, it can't be tamed. I guess I just have to become stronger at fighting my way through it.

So distractions don't work. They haven't made this week any better. They haven't made life any easier to handle. It's just reconfirmed that there isn't a solution to this. I just have to stumble and fall and try to keep getting back up. But if I want to stay down for a while to catch my breath then I will, because that's all I can do. 

Since coming back from Amsterdam everything has been harder. I don't know why. Mornings are the hardest they've ever been. Night times are sleepless and restless and I can't stop the tears. I can't control it. I can't do this anymore. The simplest task of getting up and dressed is almost impossible. It takes so long. I have no motivation. I have no desire to begin yet another day without Luke. I have no desire to live another day without Luke. I have no desire to live without him. It all just sucks. I just don't see the point anymore. And before you tell me to try...I am fucking trying. I am trying every single bloody day. When I interact with you I am trying to be motivated and interested in the conversation. I am trying to be engaged with life. I am trying to do every day things that once upon a time were so easy and I just took for granted. 

I miss coming downstairs and the smell of chorizo and egg and Luke's cafetiere on the side after he'd had breakfast and a cheeky coffee. I miss being able to open the fridge to see that Luke had nibbled at the left overs. I miss his bagels in the freezer. I miss hearing the squeak of his motor bike boots. I miss being able to go out of the house and look at his car without feeling pain. I miss being able to drive past motorbikes without any weighted feeling. I miss being able to fall asleep with that comforting knowledge that he'd be home soon. I miss having to guard my crisp packet when Luke was about because he always tried to steal them. I miss being able to make a cup of tea without wanting to cry. I miss being able to clean my teeth without knowing that Luke will never use his shaver that sits in the cabinet. I miss being able to move his stuff without feeling incredibly and indescribably guilty.  

I miss being able to walk into the bedroom without that feeling of, "Shit...it really did happen." I miss being able to sit on the sofa without this feeling. I miss looking at his clothes and having no feeling of hurt and loss. I miss being able to talk to my best friend. I miss being able to write notes to Luke and looking forward to my replies when he was on night shift. I miss so much. I miss Luke. I miss everything about him. I miss the life we had. I miss the hope and the promise of the life we were going to have. I miss Luke. 

I wish there was a solution to this. I wish I could move on like others because this pain hurts. Everything hurts. I wish my Dad was here because I am sure he would know what to do. Dad would fix it. I don't know how he would fix it but he would because that's what my Dad did. He fixed things. He always helped to fix a broken heart. There's nothing that fixes a broken heart like a Daddy's hug. 

But my Dad isn't here and I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. Distractions don't work. Going to work doesn't work. Getting up doesn't work. Looking after a dog doesn't work. However, hiding under my duvet has worked pretty well and has gotten me through many days, but this isn't a very sensible solution, so ultimately...that doesn't work either.

I don't know how I am suppose to keep going. I don't know if I have the strength to keep fighting through every second of every day like this for the rest of my life. I don't want anyone else. I want Luke. I don't want anyone else to be near me like Luke was. I just want Luke. But I can't have Luke, so what is the point?

Miss you Perryman xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx