I always thought I'd see you again...

6 months ago today I had walked into tesco to do our shop and I bought you a gift. I had no idea that it would be the very last thing that I ever got to buy for you. You had no idea that tonight would be the last time that you would arrive into work. I had no idea that tonight would be the very last time that I would hear you come home and feel you slide into bed beside me. If I had known I'd have woken up and spoken a little more than the odd murmur of,"Hey sexy man, love you." But we had no idea. This time 6 months ago I had made pasta bake for dinner, so that you could take it for dinner the next day. I had no idea that it would have been your last meal from me. If I had known, I'd have cooked you steak and I would have waited up for you. But I had no idea.

6 months ago tomorrow it would have been the very last time that I left you sleeping in bed while I went to work. It was the last time that I would be able to hold you and get a hug from you. 6 months ago tomorrow was the last time that I kissed you. How has it been 6 months?
Tomorrow is the 15th AND it's a Wednesday. Two shit things together. It really could be 6 months ago. I can't believe Luke never came home.

This time last year Luke and I were so excited about going to New York at Xmas and about getting married. We were placing an offer on our home. We were paving the way for our continued future together. But tonight I get to sit here and I miss you so much. I get to sit here and wonder if I'm going to make it through tomorrow morning. Judging from how tonight has been and how I'm currently feeling I think tomorrow is going to be a write off. I wish so much that I could see you again. I hate that I'm on my own to live this life. I hate that you are gone. I miss you so much that my whole body aches.

It's been 6 months and I have learned so much yet still don't have a clue. I am learning that ultimately you have to fight this battle on your own. You have to work this out on your own. You have to handle all the shit that's thrown your way on a daily basis on your fucking own. Brilliant.

I have decided to compile a few things that 'they' don't tell you about losing your entire world. It's not meant to be offensive. This is just my personal experience of it.

It hurts more than you could ever imagine.

No matter how much you said 'I love you', or hugged them or laughed with them or how much time you spent with them...it will never seem like enough once they are gone. You will wish you had spent more time being together. Don't feel guilty. It's called everyday life.

You will question the point of working and not being able to live because of work getting in the way. You may wonder why you wasted so many hours doing work instead of living. Just remember though that you do need money to pay the bills so that there is a point to work. Remember: work gives you the means to live a lifestyle you want.

You will question your view of the relationship. Did they really love you? Was it as amazing and as special as you believed it to be? You will think of small debates you may have had. This is normal. Remember...if they had lived, you would still be very much in love and together.

You will avoid old routines. This is ok. 

Everyone has an opinion on how you should grieve and move on. You will come across people who feel they are experts on this because they have lost their long lost Aunt etc. Ignore their advice. They don't have a clue. 

People drift away and back into their own lives. Expect this. It will happen. No matter how many of them say it won't and that they are there for you no matter what, life moves on and so does your support network around you. This hurts but it's ok.

You will have to get used to sitting on your own and being comfortable as a 'one'. This does not happen over night. I am still not used to this and I don't know when I will be.

People will expect you to be doing much better than you actually are. They will be expecting you to be getting on with things just because you may have had some small steps of success by absolute fluke.

You will never be prepared for the moments, events or things that reduce you to unexpected tears.

You will want to punch many people in the face. Try really hard not to do this. It's not their fault.

You will dread dinner parties surrounded by couples. Starter and dessert for one. Cheers.

People will see you smile and believe that you are doing OK. They may even judge you for being happy. Real friends will understand that you're coping in that one moment but won't expect you to keep it up. They will see the effort that it takes.

You will comfort others and apologise to them for making them feel awkward. Don't punch them in the face for this. It's not their fault. Or yours. It's just how it is.

You really will see who cares for you and who doesn't. It will surprise you. You will even experience many 'friends' who expect you to go to them and expect you to make the effort to make contact with them and to maintain the friendship. These particular friends get offended when you don't. My advice...it's their problem and I hope they never find themselves in my situation. 

You will become exceptionally good at paperwork yet at the same time feel like you are drowning in it.

You will become very tired at unexpected times of the day and probably won't sleep at night. Don't expect to focus on many things.

Doctors don't like handing out sleeping pills. Find alternative ways to fall asleep.

Be prepared for the amount of rubbish you will buy. I have bought endless numbers of shoes and dresses. Many of which I'll probably never wear as I don't have the occasion to wear them too. But it gave me something to do.

You won't want to shower. You will begin to grow your own eco-system before you move towards that water! Move when you're ready.

Your appetite may completely vanish in those first days/weeks. It's ok. Your body will let you eat once you are ready to. Drink water, fruit juices and put a packet of grapes or chocolate in a bowl next to you. It's easy to grab food with no effort.

Cooking a meal for one is depressing when you should have been cooking it for two. It's completely different to cooking as a uni student or a single person. It is just depressing.

You will have moments in the day when you think you are going to take on the whole world. You convince yourself that you are going to make the most of your life and that you are going to live. Then you will have moments (almost simultaneously) where everything becomes just too heavy to handle. There's not a lot you can do about that.


I wish so much that you were here Luke. I can't believe it's going to be 6 months. It all hurts so much. xxx