...

I always thought I would see you again. When you left that morning for work, I always believed that you would be returning. I even left for work with a 'see you later' because I had every intention of seeing you later. I had no reason to suspect that I wouldn't. But later never came and it will never come. It doesn't matter what I do or what I try. I will never get that 'later' with you. And knowing this makes me want to vomit. The feeling in my stomach is as though someone is squeezing it and twisting it and it doesn't matter how much I will them to stop they don't.  It makes my throat feel as though it's closing up and it becomes so much harder to breathe. Why were we not allowed our 'later'? Do you know what is going on here without you? Are you aware of my daily struggle with your absence?  Can you feel this pain? Do you feel it too? You promised to stay with me forever Luke. You promised to be my forever man. But you're gone and it hurts. What the fuck am I supposed to do now Perryman?!?!

Even today I remember that morning when I left for work. The morning that you were laid in bed after finishing night shift. I remember kissing you before leaving for work and I remember you pulling me in for a cuddle. I remember the thoughts I'd had. I remember you. But I don't want to have to remember you; I want to have you here with me now making new memories for us BOTH to share!! I don't want to have to rely on my memory of you to feel that you existed and were here. I want to have you here so that I can feel you and touch you.

I look at couples and I just want to punch them in the face. Which is awful, I know. There's no rational explanation for this urge and you'd be telling me to relax. But I don't understand why they get to have what we couldn't. I'm sure this urge to punch people will pass. At least I hope it will.

I hate not seeing you. I hate waking up each day. I hate knowing that there is yet another day I have to survive. I hate knowing that there is another day that I have to continue a life that was never supposed to be. I hate knowing that our path no longer exists and I have to walk an entirely different path all on my own. Because ultimately Luke, I am on my own. People can visit and I can go out and meet up with people. But when it really matters, when the house is too still, when the quiet of the night settles in and everyone is busy with their own lives, when that unmistakable gut wrenching punch in my stomach starts and that heavy weighted, oh-my-god I'm going to cry and can't stop it moment happens...I am alone.

There are no comforting arms to hold me and to tell me that everything is going to be OK. There are no comforting kisses on my forehead, reassuring me that life is going to be OK. There are no hands to wipe away my tears. There is nothing but your absence. There is nothing but the weight of your absence. There is nothing but the quiet and still of the house. There is nothing but my cries and my tears. Because you are gone. The comforting arms, reassuring kisses and hands to wipe away my tears are gone. I have to fight this on my own and I'm beginning to doubt if I'm strong enough to do this same fight each night. I'm exhausted and you are gone.

We should have been celebrating our anniversary yesterday. We should have been together. We should still be together. I just want you back. I'd give anything to have you back. I would do anything if it meant I could have you again. You just need to come home. I just need for this whole thing to all be some shit unfunny joke and for you to come home. We all need you to come home. I wonder what we would have been doing this year for our anniversary? A spa? A romantic picnic like last year? A bike ride round Rutland? Camping? A romantic meal and candle lit bath? Would you have been deployed somewhere with work, meaning we'd be arranging a belated anniversary treat over skype? What would we have done? I know it would have been amazing and we'd have been together and laughing. I miss you laughing. I miss your smile. I miss you.

You look so real in all of your photos. You look so alive. You look so 'here'. It's a struggle to grasp that you are gone. These photos of moments we spent together and of moments you experienced will fall further and further into the past. They will one day become a time of long ago. How can that be? How can you be allowed to fall into the past? How can you be allowed to fall into my past when you were so much meant to be my present and my future? I realised the other day that if I live to make it into my 40s I will have lived more of my life without you than I had with you. There will be a greater portion of my life that I have existed with your absence than I was allowed to live with your presence. Again I find myself thinking, 'What the actual fuck?!' I can't think on this too much because my body just wants to shut down and it takes all of my energy and strength to remember how to breathe. I want you as my future Luke, not as my past. Why did this happen to us? You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve to be taken. Time isn't going to fix this. Time will just cement in place how permanent this is. It will just define the absence with a greater weight. You are not coming home. We are not getting our 'later'. We are not getting our future together.

I don't think I can write anymore on this post. I am shattered. I'm shattered from living without you and I'm shattered from the daily routines that no longer serve a purpose. I'm just tired. I miss you so much and I love you more than you will ever realise. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx