It's all too hard.

I just want my Dad to live. I just want him to live without the pain and for the cancer to be gone. But God isn't listening and He isn't doing anything. I don't see how any of this can be for good and I am finding it extremely difficult to see God's hand in all this. Psalm 4:3 I think suggests that we look at our problems in the light of God's power instead of looking at God in the shadow of our problems. Well you try doing that while you stand and watch as cancer is trying to crush your Dad and let's see how you look at things. I am trying really hard but it is extremely difficult. I want to be positive. I want to say that I can see a happy end to this and that my Dad will be the first man to be cured of this. But when I watch him at night...it's so hard to hang to that hope. It's so hard to not be angry at God.

Ever wonder what the point is?

Everything is so crazy and thinga aren't really getting any easier. I don't understand. Where is God?? Dad is still in a lot of pain. This is beginning to be a bit of a problem. It's hard to believe that on the 18th January this year it had been a year since Dad's operation. This time last year we weren't sure if we'd be sharing this year with him. So I am really thankful that we are. I just wish that he wasn't in so much pain. The doctors told him the other week that he was on enough sedatives to kill an adult rhino and they were amazed that he was still breathing! WTF?!!!?? Surely they should have noticed what they were all giving him? I hate seeing Dad in pain. It hurts because there is absolutely nothing I can do. He is on controlled drugs, tens machine and acupuncture, and other pain killers. During the day time he is in pain but it is manageable. It is night times that are the worse. I hate hearing him cry in pain. It isn't right and he doesn't deserve this. My dad has worked bloody hard for us his entire life and now he is being punished for working so hard.
I've been attempting a bible reading thingy everyday [give or take a couple of days!] and so far each day has spoken about seeing God's work in all situations and having faith that He is good and that His hand is in even the worse of situations [coincidental?!?]. It has also mentioned a lot about these situations being allowed into our lives to try to strenthen our faith [or as the devil would like to do..disprove it.] Erm...not sure how to explain that. I'll try. Job had to face lots of crap and when I first read that in the old testament I didn't want to read anymore. Basically, the devil said to God, "Job is only so devoted to you because you have given him so much, but I bet he wouldn't have such faith if the situation was different." And God said..."uh-huh...I know you're wrong but play away.." So the devil did and he stripped everything from Job and sent lots of rubbish stuff his way. This is pretty shit..Job lost those he loved. I stopped reading anymore because I was angry that God would allow the devil to play such games and that God allowed harm to happen [especially as He is suppose to be a Father that protects us]. However, I had to re- read it this time because of my dumbass new years resolution to read the bible more often...which is when it occured to me that although lots of crap happend to Job, God still had control. God only allowed things to happen that Job could cope with [and sometimes this required doing it WITH God], and although there were some iffy moments in Job's faith...ultimately Job's faith was strengthened in God. Lots of people [me included] love God when things are going well and when it is easy to pick out the good in life. They have faith in God when it is easy to see God's hand in it. However, this world is a mess and broken and there is crap in it. God won't save us from it all because we [Adam and Eve being the knobs that they are] chose it to be this way. Sometimes we have to keep fighting to see God and sometimes we just have to cling to the fact that God is good and that He is in it. Sometimes we just have to keep taking taking those steps forwards and have faith that God is taking them with us. I think that is the point at the moment. ~Just having faith and clinging to it~

It's Christmas...where are you?

I think the title says it all.

Because God chooses to remain quiet

So I haven't blogged in a while. I am not sure what I think or feel at the moment. I have looked at all the work I need to do and I just can't get my mind on it. Teaching is fun and I am loving it, but I am finding it harder and harder to focus on this. At the weekends I want to spend time with my family. I want to be with Dad. Our house is being redecorated so that Mum does not need to worry about it when Dad is gone. I don't like this forward thinking planning ahead. I would much rather bury my head in the sand...perhaps I should be an ostrich?!? I don't want to think about the future or what is going to happen. Dad has been in a lot of pain recently. He went to see the oncologist the other day and the oncologist has said that the cancer does not appear to have grown since May. This is great news!! However, it does not explain Dad's pain. He is taking a lot of morphine. I can't get my head around what has happened. I keep thinking that Dad has had treatment so now he should be getting better and now he should be ok and well. But it isn't that way. Part of me is terrified that things are just going to get worse from here. That there is no getting better...this is as good as it is going to get. The bible says that whatever you ask in J.C's name it will be given...but I can't see how this is true. Because my Dad still has cancer. My Dad is still in pain...despite my prayers and heart pleas for this to be changed. So how come sometimes we see the word of the bible come to life and other times we do not?

I think quite often...maybe there isn't a God and we were all brainwashed and conned. But then I look at all the good things that have happened, and where I am today. I didn't get here alone. My dad was lucky to be able to have the surgery. He is lucky to still be here today. It was lucky that the cancer was detected when it was. It could be much much worse. So in my heart I know that there is a God.

But then I have wondered, if there is a God...I thought- maybe He isn't the good, just God that has been previously protrayed to us. Maybe God isn't this being that loves us, cares for us and wants the best for us. Maybe God is this thing that got bored and so we were created for his games and entertainment. Maybe God doesn't care about any of us and He does not see us as his children. He just sees us as toys that he can treat how He wants because He owns us. Even those that do not believe are owned and God intervenes and manipulates as He feels like. Maybe God actually looks to build up our hopes and dreams, he looks to gain our trust and then seeks to crush and hurt us. Maybe he seeks to break us in all the ways He knows will hurt the most; in the ways that He knows will cause us the most pain and anguish. Maybe.
This would explain why some are healed and others are not. This would explain why some things appear to be worked for good...and others are left to shatter and fall around our feet, leaving us with no way of catching the pieces. Leaving us with an emptiness, a longing for understanding and hope, a great big pit of nothingness but hate and anger at the chaos that has and is forming. Maybe.

But if I believe God to be this manipulative, uncaring and spiteful thing then what is the point. If God is not good, caring and loving, if God is not seeking to give us life then that leaves this situation with no hope. It leaves this situation with no good. It leaves life with no hope and no goodness. It makes the good things in life an illusion and a trick; designed purely to build us up to make the fall even harder when we do fall. It leaves this life with nothing but death. And if there is no life and only death then surely we should all just give up the fight, ruin God's game and die. If there is no good and no hope in the world...then this really isn't a place I want to live and exist in. It makes each unknown second a trap of pain/uncertainty and despair.

BUT I know that this is not the way and that God is not against us. I know that God isn't bad. How? because we all feel in our hearts that to just die is wrong. Even in deep dark black situations, we still have in our hearts a fight. A fight to escape where we are. To reach a place that is lighter and filled with peace and hope. A fight to be in a better place than where we currently are. We fight to see good. We fight to see justice. We fight to make right the things that are wrong. We have placed within us a fight for life. When placed in a life or death situation, human beings develop survival instincts and we fight to live. Why would we have this if God wanted death for us? Why would we have this if there is nothing good? Why would we have this if there is no hope? I know that I would rather trust in a God that is for me, than a God that is against me. And even though right now it is extremely difficult to see how He is for us, I am placing my faith that He is. God is good. He is fighting in our corner and somehow He is woring some good from the cancer. I don't know what this is or how this looks. But the alternative to this is option is devastating.

So how does this conclusion that God exists, is for us and is good helping my families fight with cancer? Erm..I don't know. My faith that God loves and cares for us keeps me seeking and fighting against the cancer. I will keep praying for my Dad and I will fight and keep fighting for hope and light in this situation. Something has got to give...

Cancer sucks

Cancer sucks. It really does. There is no way to describe how this feels. This is something that you never believe will happen to you - it's something that other people will have or have to deal with. I hate watching the cancer advertisements and seeing the cancer shops and macmillan campaigns everywhere because it makes me have to think about what is happening and I don't want to think about it. I don't like change and I certainly don't like this change. My tyre went flat the other day and I couldn't get Dad to change it because his shoulder isn't strong enough anymore. That was a smack in the face with reality and what will happen one day. I'm not sure if I am strong enough to go through my NQT year and this. But I don't really have a choice. I kinda just have to get on with it. I keep praying to God. I think he hears me. Dad is still here against the odds so God must be hearing me. I thought about the option of there not being a God. If there isn't a God then I don't think I want to live in this world, because without God there is just life without hope. This situation, this beating the cancer requires hope. Hope that this can be beaten. Hope that my Dad will be cured. Hope that this is not the end. I much prefer a world where even shitty bad things can be turned round for good. That even in the darkest of times, there is light, there is hope: there is God.

Can You hear me or are You ignoring me?

Well, the more I learn of God the more confused I get and the more I am convinced that He can't hear me or that He isn't listening. Dad didn't make it to my baptism despite my prayers for him to not feel sick from chemo: yeah thanks god. However Dad did come to my graduation :)..He managed to shift his last chemo to the day after it. It felt ace having him there :). Unfortunately though Dad was unable to have the chemo on the wednesday because his blood count was too low. So he was booked in for the week later. This time he had the chemo but it was awful. My prayers again weren't answered. I don't believe that God is ignoring this but He certainly doens't appear to be doing anything. My Dad feels awful and I just want God to do something. I'm finding it irritating when people tell me that God is good blah blah blah, especially when they go off their heads at Him when simple things don't go their way. I don't think they realise how heart-breaking and gut-wrenching it is to see your Dad being slowly killed by a disgusting vermin of a disease. And it's even harder knowing that nothing medically will save him. Unless God breaks in my Dad won't be free from this cancer. Where are You God?????????

I'm going to a new church too. I'm not convinced by it but some of the people I have met so far seem friendly, so I'll see what happens. Apparently the pastor's son was healed from cancer. So now I get to hear even more about God healing every other person and not my Dad, as though knowing that God heals some people and not others will bring some form of comfort to me...well it doesn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And being told that God is good and works things for all good doesn't help either because at the end of the day, actions speak louder than words and so far in this healing my Dad of cancer, God's actions are not speaking great volumes. However, at the same time as me thinking this, there is something in me that is begging me not to give up on God. That He is doing something but it will be gradual. I don't want to lose my Dad and I don't want cancer to steal him away from us. It all sucks and my Dad does not deserve this. It all hurts and I just wish I could know for certain that God is hearing me and that He has His hand in this because thinking that He hasn't is terrifying. Come on God: do something !!!!

It's just too crazy to comprehend

I've just been on the meso care on facebook and looked at a link that was posted about asbestos in Australia. It's scary to know that so any people just don't get the devastating effects of this substance. It only takes ONE FIBRE!!! I met a guy in the phone shop that had recently removed his dad's roof that had asbestos fibres in it and he hadn't worn the appropriate safety stuff. There needs to be a greater awareness of this disease. People need to understand that this is a fatal substance. It's a nasty, vial substance that has and will continue to kill people.

The more I look into mesothelioma and read patients stories, I realise how lucky my Dad is. God may not be healing him instantly but if you view the stories of others; technically my Dad shouldn't be here now. Yet he is here and is doing alright! :).. He has one more chemo session left and then we wait and see. I actually don't know what happens next or what will happen but I don't feel as though he will be leaving us anytime soon. I pray that this is not a false feeling. There are some stories of people surviving years with this! My Dad is going to be the first one cured. That's my goal.

My Dad will hopefully be well enough to come to my baptism on Sunday. I was hoping he would come earlier so that he can be prayed for. I trying to get enough courage to pray for him myself but I have this stupid fear of doing it wrong. Even though you can't get it wrong because God hears our hearts and so He'll know what we are trying to do. It's just quite scary to offer prayer to my Dad.

Before I found out about Dad's cancer, I had become a Christian. I remember telling my Mum and Dad this. They thought it was just a phase I was going through and weren't particularly impressed. I think they were worried that I was going to be brain-washed. I'm scared of that too though, which I think makes me question lots of what happens. Anyway, I was thinking about my baptism and how before all of this, I would have been quite nervous about inviting them to it. But I wasn't nervous about asking them. I really hope people pray for my Dad and that he lets them! God heals all the time so I don't see why He won't heal this. I love my Dad sooo much! He is the best. It just isn't right that he has this. It isn't right that this is happening to him. Come on God do something!!!!!