This year, 2014, is suppose to be the year when all becomes better. It is suppose to be the climb up and out of the fog. The pain experienced after Dad is indescribable. The hole that is left is as gaping and wide today as it was when Dad was stolen from us. Time has not healed. But this year we were adapting. We were renewing the way we lived. Me and Luke were engaged and we bought our first home together in June and we were planning our wedding at the end of this year: 23rd December 2014 and our honeymoon to New York!!!! We had the perfect lives, the perfect relationship. We had everything. We had happiness and each other and we had our home and a future as man and wife. We had it all. HAD.
Luke, My Perryman has been killed. There is no more us. There are no more words of love. There are no more tears of laughter. There are no more crazy dances or our silly little private jokes and sayings. There is no more warmth. There are no more smiles or promises for our future. There are no more talks of, 'when we're married'. or 'on our honeymoon,' or 'next year we will...' or 'let's go and do...' There are no more hugs or kisses or curling up on the sofa today. There are no more races into bed. There is no more future.
There is darkness and fear and pain. A pain even more painful than what I experienced with Dad. I didn't think it was possible to hurt more than I did after Dad. But God was I wrong. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this amount of pain and still stand. This pain is shattering. My heart, my soul, my love, my everything that makes me me is shattered. It's gone. I feel sick; the kind of sick that feels like an anchor in the pit of my stomach, that's been pieced through my heart dragging my heart downwards. It's a hard block that is so heavy it steals my breath away and I have to fight to breathe. And it hurts. Oh God it hurts. But ask me how I'm doing and I'll tell you I'm Ok.
Luke was 26. 26!!!! How the fuck is that fair? He is the most amazing man to have ever entered into my life and I love him. My whole future was Luke. He was my everything and I love him with everything and I was so lucky to have him. He was my everything. And now he is gone and I am left with nothing. The house is filled with emptiness. It's a lost space and what am I suppose to do? I know that time does not heal and that scares the shit out of me. When people tell me that it will get better in time I actually have to hold back the urge to scream at them. TIME DOESN'T HEAL SHIT!!!! It's been 4 weeks today since Luke was stolen from me and that crushing, smashing stabbing feeling of that night is still as vivid and jammed in my throat tonight as it was four weeks ago. Time does not heal, so do not believe the lie that it does.
Losing your future is completely different to losing my Dad. And unless you've been in this exact same position: 69 days from being married to your best friend with your whole lives ahead of you, only to have that stripped away in a blink of an eye, do not tell me you know my pain. Because you do not. You can not even begin to imagine it. You may feel a huge loss because he was a friend but he was not your future. You may feel like you understand because you've lost a loved one but you don't know shit. Unless you are stood here in my shoes, in this life with the love that Luke and I had, please do not tell me you understand. Because I am living this pain and this life and even I do not understand. Please be there for me with hugs and kindness and the jokes that we always laugh at but don't tell me it will be ok. It will never be ok. Will I survive this? Yes- simply because there is no other option. But life will not be ok and I will not be ok,
Luke's death has demonstrated that even in an amazing relationship like ours, where we told each other daily and repeatedly how much we loved one another, you will ask, "Did they know how much I loved them?" Or "Why did we have that silly argument?" Or "Why did we sit on the sofa watching soaps instead of having amazing sex?" Or "Why when he came in from nights at 3am, did I choose to sleep and not attempt to be intimate and make love?" And it's at this moment you need to have a word with yourself. It's because you're human!!! It's part of a relationship, just relaxing in each others' company. Why did I choose to sleep at 3am? Because that's life and I had to be up for work at 7. Romantic? No. Practical and part of life? Yes. Does that make me a bad fiance? Does it mean I didn't love him? No. And those moments do NOT define the love between two people. It doesn't define the love or the value of US. I just have to hope and pray that Luke did know how much I loved him because there is nothing that I can do to change that now and constantly analysing every single part of the relationship is not going to fix a thing. I know that I showed him I loved him. I hope it was enough.
The majority of the support and love shown in those first two weeks was phenomenal and a huge help but it does filter away because life takes over. It's hard to grasp that but time does not stand still and neither do the lives of your friends. I will say, however, that if you're going to support someone grieving, don't do it because you want gossip and something to talk about. Don't ask for a catch up because you want to know the ins and outs of what has happened. Because the truth is, if you're a real friend you'll already know. Don't ask for a catch up so you can see how I'm doing. Because again, if you're a friend you'll know exactly how I'm doing. Even if I tell you I'm fine or ok with a smile on my face. You will know how I am doing.
Death is a minefield. There is the emotional side. The physical side. And the paperwork. Man alive is there a lot of paperwork. The cancellation conversations are the hardest. Explaining again and again and again to different people; to the banks, to car insurances, to mortgage companies, to the church to cancel a wedding, to the venue, to the florists, to the wedding car company, to the bridal shop...to everyone why life has to be cancelled is emotionally and physically draining. You become the person comforting those you're telling because they find that news upsetting. HOW DOES THAT WORK???? But then the banks, and insurances and mortgage companies require evidence and need details and documents and forms to be signed and counter signed and original copies and certified copies of other documents to be sent and then more phone calls follow that up. If drowning in grief doesn't kill me then drowning in the paperwork certainly will! So much to do but no energy to do it. Paperwork that needs to be filled in accurately is hard at the best of times, but when you're running basic survival skills on auto-pilot with a blank mind it's suffocating. I'm coping by using post it notes but even this method has begun to fail me. What will I do once all of the paperwork is done? What is there to do then?
The best advice I have received...
"Do not think about the future. Live in the now. Think of this minute and what you will do."
This has helped. Living by the hour is hard, but living by the minute I can do. I say...what do I need to do right now? And sometimes the answer is to curl up on the sofa and hide away under the duvet. That is ok. Sometimes it is stay here and hug monkey and cry. That is ok. Sometimes it is..put my cup in the sink. Or put on the kettle. Or re-fill the hot water bottle. This is ok too. It may even be as simple as...move - move to the other sofa, to the kitchen, to upstairs. These things may not seem like big steps or anything challenging but when your everything has been violently turned into nothing, these things are huge. The biggest and hardest struggle of the everyday routines is showering. Silly really isn't it? But showering signifies the start of another new day without Luke. It signifies the beginning of yet another day that Luke will not see and I have to fight through. Luke should be here.
I find myself asking again...where does God fit into all of this? Right in the fucking middle is my conclusion. I have faith that there is some reason for all of this. Something that none of us can see or understand. If there isn't a reason then this really is a fucked up world and there really is little point in the things that we do.
Luke should be here. I should be cuddled up on the sofa with him, laid on his chest with his arms around me. I should be telling him that I love him a little bit...A LOT...but instead I'm sat next to his casket. And I'm reminded of how cruel and unpredictable life is. Things are always too good to be true. When everything is perfect, something will always go wrong. :'(
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