There is a serious amount of paperwork to do. I now have to sort out wedding insurance but I'm only needing to claim for one thing as everyone else have ignored their policies and returned all the money, which has been absolutely fantastic. I also have to sort out the insurance for the cancelled honeymoon. You would think that given the circumstances the insurance would make life as easy as possible. But no...they require a ridiculous amount of evidence and I lost count of how many times I had to write, "Luke died." on one form!!! Seriously, read the first frigging reason and quit asking questions! It's a good job I'm an organisation freak and kept all of the wedding receipts and honeymoon stuff together too because this would be even harder if I couldn't find the things.
Dismantling a wedding is hard and heart-breaking. If Luke and I had just changed our minds then I could cope with that. If he had been posted somewhere and we needed to postpone it...I could handle that. But this is horrific. It's a total smack of reality in the face of a future lost. (As if it wasn't clear enough already!) To make matters worse, photos all over facebook of happily married people just punches you when you're down. I don't want to see happy brides with their man because I'm never ever going to have that. Never again will I laugh and joke with Luke. So I'm not interested in seeing others doing that. Selfish? Yes - completely and utterly selfish but that's how I feel. I don't want to hear about someone else's wedding plans or about their honeymoon. Selfish again? Yes. But that's how I feel and there isn't a lot I can do to change that. I don't want to hear about the happy futures of others right now. Maybe one day I'll be ok with it but right now all I think is..."That should be us." We should be smiling down the camera on our wedding day. We should be getting excited about our honeymoon!! We should have been finalising our wedding plans this month. But instead I was organising Luke's funeral and cancelling our wedding. How is that fair?
Instead of arranging flowers for my bouquet and for the button holes, I had to arrange funeral flowers and a coffin top. Instead of helping Luke choose his outfit for our wedding, I had to go through his wardrobe and choose his final outfit. I had to decide whether he would want to wear something posh like his suit but then questioned if he would be ok with his favourite ridiculously expensive suit being burned. So then I had to decide if he'd like to wear his favourite bordies and vest top but would he want to be in them all the time because he loved to dress up. So I decided to dress him in his smart casual clothes that he wore on our dates. Now THAT was hard. Giving up the clothes that I associated so many happy times with. They were clothes that were so him. He had two date shirts. I chose to keep his main one because I just couldn't let that go but I did put him in his other favourite date shirt. It felt like losing another part of him. I thought I knew which trousers to put him in until I realised he had two pairs of the same colour! AArgh!!! It took me ages to think back to all the times I could remember him wearing them, frantically trying to remember the feel of them so I could figure out which pair to put him in. I think I chose the right pair. But man alive did I feel emotionally drained after that.
But once I had chosen the clothes I had to think about his shoes. I know he loved his brown shoes but he also loved his timberlands. I worried if Luke would be ok with his best pair of timberlands being burned but then I thought...what am I going to do with them and isn't it better for him to be wearing them? When someone dies you're never prepared for the tasks that you have to do. So when I die I am telling you all to bury me in my wedding dress or any other pretty dress so that you don't have to go through the same experience that I did. It's soul destroying to look through Luke's clothes, remembering him in them and where we were or what we were doing, whilst also knowing that these clothes will never be worn again. I have a whole wardrobe of clothes that will forever stand empty and absent of Luke's warmth. Life is an absolute bitch.
I was attempting to arrange a trip to New York in the summer but everyone is busy, which just shows again how lost I am without Luke. :( I'm tempted to just go on my own and see what happens. I think it will be particularly sad without Luke there and even sadder that I'm on my own but I really want to go and it was an adventure that Luke and I were suppose to do, so I kinda feel like I owe it to him to go. Our lives really weren't suppose to be this way. How is he dead??
It is now 01:50 and I'm still wide awake on the sofa. Sleeping clearly isn't something my body thinks it needs. Aargh everything is so frigging hard!! In 37 days I should be getting married to Luke. But this isn't happening anymore. I am now thinking about what I will do on our wedding day. I am not looking forward to that day. :(
xx
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