Tomorrow is just another day...

It is now 2015 and apparently the start of a new year. Everyone has returned to their own lives and carried on as normal. Many people told me, "You just have to get past your wedding date," or "Just get Christmas and New Year out of the way and you'll feel better." I felt like screaming... Why will I feel better? Does a new year bring Luke back? Does a new year take away this pain and anxiety? Does a new year mean I'll stop thinking of Luke and the entire life and future we have lost? Will a new year magically make everything return to how it was? Will the new year stop me from crying when I clean my teeth because I look at his toothbrush; untouched and unused? Will the new year stop me from having breathing issues every time I walk down the meat aisle and have to look at packs of chicken that Luke would've put into our trolley, which I now have no use for? Or when I pass by his other favourite foods that I no longer want to buy? No it will not. Maybe this is true for people who were not close with Luke. Maybe this is true for work colleagues, who did not have Luke in their lives every second of everyday. Maybe this is true for people who had served with him briefly or only met him a few times. Maybe this is true for people who are now able to carry on with the same future they had always planned to have because the loss of Luke has no effect on their future. Maybe this is true for people who did not have future plans with Luke and had not seen him as an important part in their future lives.

But for people who loved Luke and had their lives integrated with Luke. This is certainly not true. I know you should not judge another person's grief as we all react differently, but don't tell me that things will be better just because you feel better about this situation. Don't tell me that I should return to my old routine because you have returned to yours. My life will never return to an old routine because Luke was my routine and he was my life and everything. He was the reason I laughed and the reason I smiled and the reason I lived. Every moment when Luke was alive I thought of him and all our promises and things we had done and will do and I looked forward to them with butterflies in my tummy and excitement in my entire body. Life with Luke was amazing. Every second of it.

But now he is gone and I think of all the things we had planned; except they now feel empty and numb and daunting. And nobody gets it. Nobody understands. They just think I should go back to work or should do something to focus my mind elsewhere. But how can my mind possibly focus on anything? This feeling isn't something I can just switch on and off. It is something that I can hide and mask for a short while but it takes every single bit of self control and energy that I have, not to cry in front of others. It takes a lot of self-control not to fall apart as I walk down the street or go to another person's house. Or go round the shops while watching other couples living happily. Sometimes I will begin a job outside of the house; like food shopping, and just have to quit and leave and get out. Because I can't physically cope much longer with holding it together. I am an independent woman. I was independent and very capable of doing things before Luke went and I'm sure I can still be that way now but life without Luke is terrifying and this thought is crippling. It's makes me feel sick to think about it. I have to remind myself to breathe and every part of me hurts.

People mistake my calmness as me coping well. I don't think I'm coping. I am surviving. You don't get a choice in this matter. So many people wished me a happy new year or told me to have a great 2015. It's as though they had completely forgotten what had happened. Or maybe it's because they are over the death of Luke. That time of mourning was for last year. But for the rest of my life I will mourn Luke. For the rest of my life he will be the man who stole my heart and took it with him the evening he died. There will never be a 'great' year again. How can there be? Some people may have to alter a couple of things because Luke is gone. But I have to change EVERYTHING.

This is my response to a new year...

"Everyone is wishing a Happy New Year to each other. But I don't feel like tomorrow is a new year. To me it is just another day that I have to wake up without you next to me and I'm forced to acknowledge once again that this is real and not just a nightmare. It is just another day that I turn over to find an empty space where you should be laid. It is just another day that I have to get up without you and without our morning snuggle. It is just another day when I can't see your smile or hear your voice. Tomorrow is just another day that I learn again that I only need to get one cup out of the cupboard for our morning tea/coffee, so I have to put your cup back in and put the coffee away. It's another day when I don't hear your coffee machine. Tomorrow is just another day when I walk through the house with just an empty echo of where you used to be. Tomorrow is just another day where there are no more conversations with each other. It is just another day when I can't hear your laugh or see your smile. It is just another day where I can't touch you or feel your touch. Tomorrow is just another day when I learn and feel and experience all over again what it is to lose you; and I'm sure that each of these times another piece of me breaks. It is just another day that I have to fight every second of, just to make it through to the evening. This night will not change my loss. It will not get better because a number has changed from 2014 to 2015. Tomorrow will be just like every other day has been since you left - A day without you xxxx"

I realised tonight that never again will I be someone's very first thought when they wake or the very last thought when they fall asleep. Never again will I be someone's thought in the day, which will make them smile. Never again will I be the reason why someone smiles and laughs. Never again will I be someone's entire world and their everything. Never again will I be the one that someone wants to spend the rest of their lives with. Never again will I make someone think, "Wow." Never again will I be important to someone or someone's priority. Never again will I be loved like Luke loved me. And never again will I feel this way about another.

Tomorrow is just another day where this all begins again. Except it's harder because everyone around me expects me to be getting better and back to normal. Because after all...it is a new year.