So the inquest is coming up soon. This is where we find out everything that we need to know. This is where we learn what actually happened to Luke. This is where we get our questions answered. This is where we get the final piece to the jig saw and we'll all feel so much better. (Yeah right.) Except I don't believe our questions will be answered. I'm not convinced we will learn what really happened to Luke. I do not believe that we will feel any better or relief. I am preparing myself to be left with more questions than answers but I guess this is just something that I have to deal with and accept. I haven't worked out how I will deal with this and accept it but I don't have any other option.
This weekend I have been out on both Friday and Saturday night. It's a weird experience to be out but knowing everything is wrong. When Luke was alive I had been out without him because he would be posted away somewhere, so being in the club without Luke isn't a completely alien experience. What makes it hard is that I would always text him or ring him. But I look at my phone and there is no-one to text. There is no-one to say, "Really wish you were out with me," to. There is no-one to send sneaky pictures to. After the night out there is no good night text to send or read. This is what is horrible about being out. I have to go home and crawl into an empty bed. I don't have a Perryman to wake up and get some fun with. I don't have a Perryman to cuddle up to. I don't have a Perryman to kiss and say I love you too. I don't have Luke. I don'y have my Luke.
I was Luke's world and he was mine. Every time I go out and every time I see couples it just serves as another reminder that all of this has gone. Who I was with Luke has been stripped away. Now my world, my Luke has gone and I'm no longer important or special to someone. I'm not somebody's someone who they think about. I'm no longer an everything to someone. I've become a nothing. In one quick movement I went from being Luke's world to a nobody. It is hard to accept that I'm not in someone's thoughts in that way anymore. I'm no longer desired by someone and I no longer have someone that wants to kiss me and grab me and spend the rest of their lives with me. We have gone from having everything we could have ever wanted to this. Luke didn't deserve this.
I do feel angry. I don't feel angry about what I have lost. I am angry at what Luke has lost. I am angry that this happened to Luke. There are so many other people that this could have happened to but it happened to my Luke and I'm angry. Luke should be alive and still loving life. Luke shouldn't have suffered the way he did. He just deserved to be here. He deserved and it was his right to continue having an amazing life. So I am angry for Luke.
I go about my days on auto pilot in a daze. I have become an expert at having conversations with people and then not having a clue what it was we were talking about. I have become an expert at doing everyday things around the house but not paying any attention to what I am actually doing. I have become an expert at responding with, "Yeah fine thanks."
I haven't quite worked out how you avoid thinking about Luke to enable yourself to get through the day. I haven't worked out how to blank this out. I don't think it is possible. I don't think it is possible to un-know what has happened. I don't think it is possible to not think about Luke and everything we were and could have been. When I am doing things, I think that this would have been so different if Luke had been here. I wouldn't be sat in the house on such a beautiful day. We would have been out at the pub or having a picnic or having cream tea with ruddles clotted cream. We would be in the garden with the bbq. We would have been together and knowing how lucky we are. Luke would have been out on his motorbike for a little bit or he would have gone mountain biking for the morning. Or we would have stayed in bed all morning enjoying one another. But instead I am here on my own.
I wrote in one of my past blogs that I wasn't sure who I am or where I fit. I have decided for now (and this may change) that I am in a very unique category. I mentioned that I wasn't technically a widow because Luke and I were not married. To Luke's family and friends I was Luke's wife but in the eyes of the law I am not anything important in Luke's life, which is hard to grasp but there ya go. So I have decided to create a whole new category. I am an unmarried widow. This is a very hard group to be in because as I just mentioned above, to some people you will be viewed as though you were married and as husband and wife (just 69 days Luke!!!!!). But to others you are not seen as important. You are not seen as an important part to your man's life. Even though we had set up a life together, I am not seen by law as a wife.
This means that you have to prove that you were indeed important. Imagine losing your everything and then having to prove who you were/are to others. Imagine having to say, "No I'm not some one night stand or gf of a couple of weeks. I'm not some 'she'll do for the moment' girl. I am the woman that Luke chose to spend the rest of his life with. I am an important piece of Luke's life." That is what I have had to do with some legal things and the paperwork aftermath of losing Luke, which just makes everything even harder. It can even make you doubt yourself and can make you doubt if you really were important to the one that you have lost. So I need to keep reminding myself that Luke chose me. He asked me to marry him. (The man that never wanted to be married asked me to marry him!) Luke chose to build a home with me. He chose a life with me. He could have picked anyone. He could have done whatever he wanted and he chose me. But it can be hard to remember this when everything else is going on.
I have been extremely lucky to have Luke's mum, dad and sister being as kind as they have been to me. Because I can imagine there are other unmarried widows who are not as lucky as I am. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had lost the relationship with Luke's family too. So I have been exceptionally lucky to have been accepted into Luke's family.
We almost had everything Luke. I would give up everything and anything to have you back with me. Life never stays good and don;t know why. Something always goes wrong. Something always changes and it's always so sudden and unexpected. You made me the happiest girl alive Luke and I love you to the moon and back. Forever yours xxxxxxx
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