Still standing. Still waiting...

I don't really know what to write. All that I have to say has already been said I think. My feelings to this whole situation have not changed. The pain and the hurt hasn't changed. Nothing has changed. It's all the same. Everyday is the same battle and the same fight. The only difference from day to day might be the events that cause me to stop and lose my breath.

Recently all I see is Luke laid in that room. I just see him laid there not moving and everything hurts. I find it hard to breathe. How is it possible for someone with so much life to end up so still? How is that even possible? I just wanted him to wake up. I can't grasp how it is possible for life to end so suddenly. Where did he go? I mean seriously, where did Luke go? All that love, fun and kindness and laughter. Where did all of this go? I hope Luke didn't know what was happening. I hope he wasn't aware of the seriousness of his injuries. I hate the thought of him suffering or being scared because he didn't deserve this. I wish I had been there with him. The people who attended to him all had time to contact me. I could have been there. I could have been there with him when he needed me the most. But instead he died and I wasn't there with him. This is really hard to come to terms with. I should have been there. I could have been there if someone had told me. But no-one told me until you were already gone. But I could have been there Luke and I am so sorry I wasn't. I just didn't know. I didn't know.

I've had 6 dreams with Luke since he died. But none of the dreams are of past memories. None of the dreams are of things we have already done. None of the conversations are any that we have ever had before. They're all new. They're all places and things we haven't done together. And in the dreams we both acknowledge his death. We both acknowledge what has happened but then continue to talk about him coming home and what we're going to do. In a couple of the dreams though he has been very distant and I can't get to him. I stood right next to him but I couldn't connect to him. I couldn't reach him. I don't like those dreams. They are very confusing. It makes waking up even harder. I just want to get back into the dream. Even the dreams that don't feel so good, I just want to be back with him and talking to him. I'm not sure why this happened.

Mornings are not any easier. They are horrendous and hard. Waking up every morning with that first moment that everything is ok and then to remember all of it, just shoots an describable pain all the way through me. This happens EVERY SINGLE MORNING. Every morning, I have to fight through that first day all over again. Every morning is like that Thursday. Every morning is like this. Every morning I have to work through the emotions of shock and disbelief and the sickening overwhelming pain. I have to work through the morning routine while balling my eyes out like an uncontrollable idiot because nothing I do can stop the tears. Every morning I have to remind myself that I don't need to sneak about quietly because...well...who is there to wake up? Luke isn't tucked up in bed sleeping off the night shift. He hasn't left his pants on the floor after getting ready for the morning shift. There is a complete haunting emptiness and there is nothing that I can do to alter this. But every morning I have to fight through this. When will this end? When will I be able to just wake up and get on with the day? For the rest of my life I feel that I will have to live like this. I feel as though this is the path that has been set and I'm not sure how to fix it. How do you fix something that is lost forever?

Today I just wanted to hide under my duvet, so I did for most of the morning. I felt that I had a little more energy and a little more oomph to take on the rest of the day. So my day started this afternoon and it started sloooowly. I made a cup of tea. Then I put away some clothes. This was more than enough for the day, so I needed to just sit down because I was done. I actually spent ages just sitting the day out because today I had had enough. I hadn't done anything of any great substance but I'd had enough.

As I was still feeling like absolute crap, I decided that I'd take a different approach. I'd attempt the taking on the world approach. I cleaned out the guinea pigs and sorted the fish tank (which took a couple of hours as I hadn't done it for a while. Sorry Luke!) Did I feel better after doing this? No I didn't. Did it distract me? No it didn't. All it accomplished was a clean guinea pig cage and a clean fish tank. What's the bloody point? I think that I need to stop thinking that the things I do will make me feel better, because the blunt truth is that nothing makes me feel better. And it's just such a disappointment when I feel exactly the same.

I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't want a first date with anyone but Luke. I don't want the hassle of dating all over again, always trying to second guess if the guy is genuine and worth it. I don't want the heartache of things ending all over again. I don't want to share my time and love with anyone but Luke. I don't want to be left and say goodbye to someone all over again, because I'm not sure if  have it in me. I have had to say good bye to far too many people in my life. And I am fed up and tired of it. I'm fed up of losing the people I love and care about. I'm tired of people coming in and out of my life. I hate change at the best of times but at this time it hurts so much more and I can't focus on anything. I can't think straight.

I don't want anyone but Luke. I can never love anyone like I love Luke and I wouldn't fit with anyone as well as I fitted with Luke. He just knew me. He knew how to handle me (apparently I'm high maintenance and hard work/demanding and intense?? I call it having standards and high expectations but there ya go!) and I knew how to handle him and his lad-ish ways! We just fitted so well together. We bounced off each other and we loved being together and with one another. I looked forward to him coming home. I can't give all of me to anyone else but Luke. But at the same time, I don't want to be a 65 year old woman all on my own. So what am I supposed to do? I just want Luke back. That would solve everything. That would make things all ok again...just like in my dreams. We'll acknowledge that he died but that he is coming home to me anyway. I wish this dream would come true.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do makes this any easier. Nothing distracts and even when I'm smiling and laughing (which does happen) I don't feel it like I used to. It's all cloaked and masked in an overwhelming feeling of wanting to burst into tears. It's all cloaked with the feeling of wanting to throw up at the thought of never seeing Luke again and my stomach knots so tightly it's everything I can do to remain standing upright and not to hit the floor in a heap. How is that possible to smile and laugh yet feel that way inside and to be battling with that suffocating feeling? I've yet to feel okay and by okay I mean...fully and really okay. The sort of okay that I had before Luke left. I haven't had one second...not even one second of this okay. Oh no wait. Yes I have...every morning when I first wake and then SMASH! Welcome to a new shit ass day without Luke. I'd rather not feel that particular okay in the mornings. Maybe then I'd make it to work sooner.  AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What the actual f£$%^&*(*&^%$£$%^&*ck!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have loads of things I want to say but it's nothing new to what I have already said. Thoughts just go round and round repeatedly. Why didn't you just take the car???


I miss you Perryman. My life changed for the better the day I met you and it ended the day I lost you. I just want you back. We're supposed to be cuddled up on our sofa. But instead I'm left with an empty space where you should be. I should have you. This isn't fair. You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve to die. I wish it had been me xxxxxxxx