5 months. 5 months and the pain just builds. I personally think it has gotten harder. In the beginning I could attempt to fool myself into thinking you were away with work or on some jolly with your friends. But as time ticks by it just grounds the fact that you are truly gone even deeper into my heart. I find looking at your photos so hard. Sometimes I just have to look away because I can't grasp how you are so alive in the photos yet I can't ever touch or hold you again.I'm afraid that I am forgetting your voice and how you sounded. I'm afraid that I will forget the things you used to say to me and the jokes we shared. I'm afraid I will forget the things that we did or the foods you loved to eat. I'm afraid of losing you all over again.
I am still attempting to return to work. So far I have made it into work everyday at some point before 3.00pm. In the past week or so I have managed to get in for the am and the last few days I have succeeded at getting in for 10 something. Sometimes it is 10.15 or 10.45 or some other time. I am slowly learning (after being told many times, which has actually been a huge help) that I should hold on to the small steps of success and to not put myself under pressure. I see it as a failed day if I don't get in for the 9am start (which has only happened once since all of this). But actually I should see this as a step forward because I've made it into work in spite of everything.
I can't really focus on anything. I often find that I lose time and I'm not even sure what I have been doing. I find it exceptionally hard to focus on work and it's mentally exhausting to try and prevent my mind from wandering to Luke all the time. I want so much to just hide away under my duvet and just come out when Luke is back and everything is as it should be. I often look at Luke and just tell him that I'm suppose to be his wife so he just needs to come back and sort this out. Then I think I'm a crazy person for talking to a photo but that's my life atm. I have become a crazy woman that talks to photos, fish an guinea pigs. Fuck it...I should just go all out and get a bloody cat. :'( This is not how we planned it Luke!!!!!
I miss our closeness. You just knew me Luke. You gave the best cuddles and the best kisses. You were the best for snuggles in bed and the best at night time mischief ;). This sounds very cheesy and soft but everything was so colourful with you. But now it's all very grey and foggy; I can barely see my hands if I hold them out in front of me. I'm not sure what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what my life is supposed to look like without you. To carry on in the same way just doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me love life. It doesn't have a purpose without you.
Part of me thinks that I just have to make it through this first year. That after this year my life will get back on track. That a new path will form. That somehow I will have learned how to live without you and I will have learned how to live with the pain. That I will have found a new purpose and a new way of being happy again. That somehow life will become what it always was and what it was always meant to be with you. So I think...if I can just make it through this first year.
But I know from experience that this is a false hope. It is a false thought to hold onto. It won't get magically better after this first year. So what good does making it through the first year do? What will change after this year has passed? Nothing. Absolutely nothing will change. Luke will still be gone. Our life has still been taken. Making it through this first year just leaves another 50 odd years left to fight through. I can not live the rest of my life feeling this way and living this way because for starters...Luke would not be happy with me! He would not want me to sit my life away just waiting for it to end. But I just don't know what I want to do or how I want to live right now. What I do know is hoping to make it to the end of this first year is pointless. My feelings will not be any less. The pain will not lessen and living without Luke will not be any easier or any more normal than it is now.
I just want Luke home. I want him to come through that door all sweaty because he'd been for a run or come back from the gym. I want to hear him rummaging in the kitchen cupboards or singing the fat song to me as I eat chocolate and crisps. I want him to grab me like he used to and to kiss me like he used to. I was supposed to see your cheeky grin as you informed me that it was steak and bj day yesterday. But instead I'm left in a void. A big, black void of nothing.
It's been 5 months today and you're my first and last thought everyday. You're my thought every second of everyday and in the spaces in between. I love you more with each passing day and I'm still not convinced that this is really happening because you promised me forever. You promised me that I would be your wife. You promised me Luke and you're not supposed to break your promises or my heart. You're supposed to be here. You said that you were forever mine so you need to come back because 'forever' hasn't ended yet.
I miss you Perryman. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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