After the operation

Dad had the operation on January 4th [or 3rd] I can't remember. I remember waiting for the phonecall that he was ok. That was a scary moment and being at uni and not near him was really hard :'(... Yes I thanked Jesus when my Dad was okay after surgery.

4^th February 2010

"So a few developments have happened. I still don’t get where God is in all of this. Dad had the operation. The cancer is now on the diaphragm, so that was not removed. The surgeon managed to scrape 70% of the cancer. This means that Dad has come out of hospital with less cancer than what he went in with. But it still isn’t what I was praying for. I feel very let down by God. This amazing healing power that He has, where is it? The whole ‘those who ask for healing shall be healed’ just hasn’t happened. I don’t get it. Are You even hearing my prayers? Have I done something that is stopping You from helping? Am I doing this wrong? God where are You? I just feel lost. I have never felt this lost before. Where is the light? Where is this guide that is supposed to help? Huh????? This is all fucked up. My dad is dying. My Dad, unless there is a miracle which I don’t think will happen because you’ve had plenty of chances God, will not get to walk me down the aisle. My Dad will not see me have a happy marriage. He won’t see my first child. He won’t get to screen the next guy I date. And all of this because You are choosing to do sod all. I am angry and on top of that I have lots of other shit to try and cope with; past things that have screwed up everything. I don’t want my Dad to die. I don’t want him to be in this amount of pain. I want my Dad back. He doesn’t deserve this. God you are shit. But I do acknowledge that You apparently know what you are doing. Humph." yep angry post: God really took some flack in all of this. It just didn't make sense in my head. Everything that people at church claimed just didn't match to the situation. I think during this time I did have faith and a desperate hope that God would heal my Dad, but my anger definitely covered that up. Good job hears our hearts and not just our words.

5^th March 2010

"What am I suppose to say? This is still so not real. I can’t get my head around it. We all know that some day we will die: that some day we will lose the ones that we love. We just never expect it to happen soon: we believe it to be some day in the distant future. I never thought that hearing the words “Dad has been told he has years to live” would bring a smile to my face; that I would feel relief from hearing this. It just shows that the context means everything. You see, this cancer is incurable. The survival rates are terrifying. Dad was given months to live, without treatment and a couple of years at most if he had the surgery [and they did all that they intended to do] plus chemo. Well, as you know, they didn’t do the full operation. But somehow, the surgeon has looked at Dad’s x-rays and is ecstatic: they expect to be seeing my Dad for a good few years! My Dad is beating the survival rates and this was without the full operation. I want to believe that this is the work of God. That He is in this and that He has heard me. But I’m terrified that if I put my faith in God healing my Dad, that I will feel such a huge loss and disappointment if it turns out to be false. I’m terrified that praising God for this: even though it must be Him somehow, will result in me looking like an idiot or being fooled again or crushed when this turns bad. I just don’t get it. I want to be so happy: but I’m scared of what is to come. I’m so scared that it terrifies me. I hate being on my own because that is all I can think about. This is just not fair." Reading this entry again really has highlighted how lost and confused I was [and still am]. The whole thing is still so unreal to me. Lots of people ask how my Dad is and I can't put any emotion to it. It isn't that I don't feel the emotions because I do. But if I show them, well you won't have enough tissues!! I want my Dad to be better. I forgot to mention that my Dad admitted to me at xmas that everyone secretly has a bit of faith. This was a big step in the whole God stuff. My family aren't Christians and I've never got the impression that they believed. But this broke my heart a little inside [in a good and bad way]... A bad way because my Dad looked scared and really wants hope for all this. And a good way because a little faith can go a long long way [that's what I'm praying for anyway].

27^th March 2010

"So I am trying to avoid writing my dissertation. I’m not sure what else I have to say on here. I’m still trying to not acknowledge how horrendous this is. I just re read some of the past entries and I’m happy to say that I don’t feel so angry at God anymore. I think I have my head around the fact that God did not cause this. The enemy did. So I can blame that. I really hope and pray that my Dad will come through all of this and that he will be ok. Dad starts his chemo on Monday. He isn’t looking forward to that and neither am I. I just hope he gains the strength to just keep going, even when the days are hard. I love him so much and I don’t want him to die. I don’t want to lose him. I also don’t want my Dad to live eternally in an empty nothingness. I really hope that he sees the light in Jesus and can have that security of being safe." I think that last sentence came from a conversation of what not being in heaven would be like. I don't like nothingness. I particularly don't want my Dad to be in it. But how am I suppose to get Dad to open his heart to God? [yes yes i can hear you now: it's God that does that not you..but you know what I mean!!]... Dad is going to some Reiki healing woman. At least he is getting some extra help. My concern is that it is God help and as God is more powerful than anything else I really want him to come and be prayed for. Everytime he agrees to come, he suddenly has an urge to see reiki woman. It actually annoys me. I don't understand why going to get healing from her is accpetable but to ask God is just crazy?! How does that thinking work? And why isn't God sorting this all out? seriously...come on God!!!

okay so that is all the diary entries that I have from these past few months...not that many but it's all quite chaotic. I'll blog some more when I have more time. So far though...my journey with God is an up and down mission and I'm clinging to the hope that God is in all of this, because if He isn't then this really is fucked up. xx