Well I am not sure what to say really. I was discussing graduation tonight and it hit me that my Dad probably won't be able to come. Graduation is the day after his chemo. Even if my Dad is well enough to go, he'd have to sit in a stuffy hall with loads of disease infected students and I don't want to take that risk. I'll chat to him tomorrow when I see him. I love him soooo much and I really want him at my grad but if he caught something from some snotty nosed student I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt that it would be my fault. I feel so sorry for him. He is being made to miss out on some big occasions in his children's lives. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge him for this or anything like that. I just feel so sorry because I know how much he really wants to be there and how proud he is of us. I just don't want him to feel bad or feel as though he is letting us down because he really isn't. I feel as though God is letting us down big style!! Someone had as their status tonight that God is good to them. Right now at this moment in time I am struggling to feel this way when it comes to the situation with my Dad. Yet when it comes to my career, I feel as though God is weaving some miracles. But I would give up all those miracles and workings for the miracle of my Dad being healed. In fact I would happily stay broken if it meant my Dad was healed by God. I know though that there isn't a limited amount of God stuff that you can have and that it is never ending and never exhausted. But i'd happily give my never ending supply of God stuff to my Dad; that way he would have two lots and have double the opportunities of being healed and saved. Why isn't God healing this? Why is this happening to us? I read somewhere that just because God can weave great good from the unspeakably terrible things in life doesn't mean that He caused it. I'm still waiting for the weaving of good from this cancer. I'm not very good at waiting. I hate waiting. James Maloney commented that we all want patience and we want it now!..well that's me :s... I want my Dad healed and I want it now. I don't think this is selfish because I would give up everything for this. I know I have said this before, but it clearly states in the bible that whatever you ask you will receive providing you are delighting yourself in the Lord. Or as James Maloney explained...delight= adapting yourself to the image of the Lord. Well I am adpating!! I have finally chosen to not have sex until I am married. [yes there have been a few mishaps since choosing this but i'm forgiven not perfect and after the last one I am defintely sticking to it this time. I certainly had my eyes opened to just how much bullshit a guy will tell you if he thinks he's going to get laid! The guys soon fuck off when they see differently which hopefully means I'll end up with a guy that likes me as a person and not just the thought of having sex with me]. I am less angry. I am more tolerant of people. I feel different. So why isn't this working?!?
I don't get any of it. All I have is the fact that God is love and God is good, who apparently knows what He is doing. At least I am praying that He does. :s...x
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