December 9th 2009
"Life is getting worse and I cannot work out why God is allowing this to happen to my Dad. We have been told that due to the amount of cancer the lung cannot be removed. This means that chemo is the only way forward and he has about 15 months with us. This is shit." Okay so this part was taken from my kinda diary about this whole thing. Erm, I remember being very angry at God and was definitely of the opinion that this was His fault and that if He was so flipping fantastic He'd fix it. Needless to say this thinking didn't get me very far other than angry and bitter, but this was how I was going to be because the oh so loving God was really displaying some great love at this point [add sarcastic tone]. God was suppose to heal and He was suppose to aid those that cry out to Him. Well I bloody cried out to Him and all we received in return was more bad news. never good news. What sort of a God just sits back and lets this happen? God was described as a personal loving God that we could relate to as our dad. Just as a dad loves us and protects us and gains great joy in watching us learn and grow, so does God. But this didn't make sense in my head. If I was in pain and crying out for my Dad; he would come and help me. He would do what he could to take my pain away. So why wasn't God doing this? Some people explained that God doesn't always heal how we expect Him too or when we expect Him too. Well I figured He'd need to act pretty flipping quickly because my Dad had been given a time-limit [which is crazy in itself and my heart breaks each time I think about this]. And the whole 'God knows what is best'..what is best about letting cancer attack my Dad?!?!?!!!! I came to the conclusion that God was an arse that clearly didn't care.
December 15th
"Dad went to the oncologist: 6 months without chemo about 18months with chemo. Possible operation. We find out tomorrow." This was all that I wrote for this day. I think I'd begun to deal with this whole situation by removing all emotion from it and just being factual. This was also the evening when I figured I'd give God another chance and try praying again (well He gave His son, so I figured it was the least I could do?!!? lol). I also asked others to pray for the operation to be able to go ahead. We just needed some good news.
December 16th
"Operation a possibility. The doctor is willing to operate so this should be good. He has said that with the operation and chemo Dad can expect to have 2years or more." Again a very brief entry. I actually thanked Jesus for this one [I know, what a turn around from the other day!] Dad still needed to go for checks in January 2010 to ensure the cancer hadn't spread and he could still have the operation. I'm not too sure how I felt here. I was relieved and so happy that Dad was being given the chance for longer life, but I still didn't get why God just didn't heal him. I wondered if maybe God wasn't hearing my prayers because of my not so perfect past. My friend Helen prayed out this particular lie. God was hearing me; but that just led to more quesions like: why wasn't He fixing it!!!!!!??!?!?
December: Christmas Day
This day was so surreal and difficult. It was just something that none of us ever thought would be in our lives. We were all here this Christmas and no-one wanted to mention the whole cancer. It was as though we were all trying to be normal and make it a great xmas becasue none of us knoew or wnated to think about the new year to come. Ever tried to make things seems ok but still knowing that there is an underlying current? Throughout the day a member of the family would vanish off for a few moments to pull themselves together, smile and get back out to enjoying the day. It really was bizarre. It's as though we were all thinking 'what if this is the last?' but no-one actually wanting to think that or voice that. I did not feel God on this day and I didn't feel strong. Even worse was my family know I had recently become a Christian. I could hardly say 'well I am still praying but I'm doubting that He's doing anything'. I felt as though they were finding hope though my faith. So I pressed on with the praying. If God hears our hearts, He'd flipping know how much I don't want to lose my Dad. You only need a small amount of faith and God sorts out the rest. i figured that my little faith combined with my desperation to have more faith so God would hear my prayers louder would get my Dad healed [not sure where i've got this view from...i don't think our cries get any louder with our growing faith but just in case it was worth a shot]. Other than the weird under current it was a good xmas. I love my Dad and cancer is not going to take him.
There was quite a gap in my diary entries at this point...
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