There are many nights when I am wide awake. I have no idea why I am awake, but again it is as though I am waiting. I know I will not hear Luke come home. I know I will not see him walk through our front door. I know that I am not going to lay against his chest with his arms round me. I know that Luke is not coming home ever again. But I am sat here waiting.
I could understand being awake if I had done nothing but today I have been out and about. I have called companies to sort things and I have returned my wedding dress to the dress shop. I have even been to the supermarket! I feel physically exhausted and mentally exhausted but I'm wide awake! How does that work?
Going back to work is drawing closer and it's very scary! I think starting work again will be a big milestone that draws a line under this method of coping and I will have to find a whole new way all over again. It's as though life allows me to get use to one way of living and then it quickly changes and everything shifts again. I am discovering that the journey of grief forces you to learn to be adaptable. Yet, being adaptable is the last thing you want to do. What you want to do is cling as hard as you can to everything you knew and to everything that should be and everything that was. But the journey does not allow that to happen and I find myself looking down because looking back hurts and looking forwards is impossible.
I feel as though tomorrow will be a sit it out day. I have run out of strength and energy. I think I used all of my energy up today being all 'happy and smiley' out and about and during the Tesco run. That was hard. I had to actually go down the meat aisle because that's where the bloody yorkshire puds are kept! Luckily I could stand with my back to the meat. ARGH! I have become a crazy person!
I find that Luke is always at the forefront of my mind, which is where he should be. There is never a moment when I'm not thinking about him and imagining what could have been if he was here. Many people are able to distract themselves but I have not found a way to do this. I will be having a conversation with someone and realise that I've stopped paying attention at some point and drifted towards thoughts of Luke. I figured I must look very blank faced most of the time! Good luck at getting an answer from me if you've asked me a question! I think my fall back response is to just smile and nod.
I have no idea how I am suppose to get through the rest of these days without you Luke. I do not know how many more mornings I can survive waking up without you there with me. I do not know how life without you is suppose to work. I look at your picture and I just can't comprehend what has happened. You did not deserve to die. You didn't deserve to be gone. I miss you every second of every day and you are my everything. I wish you were back here again with me and knowing that you will never be here again hurts. It's a pain that no one can imagine and one that I can not describe. It just hurts constantly with no break and I am exhausted.
What did we do to deserve this?
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