Who Am I?

The title sounds like one of those riddles where you give the person lots of clues and they have to work out who or what you are. I feel like a riddle at the moment. Nothing makes sense to me and this week has been hard and yet this week is no different to last. Today was no different to yesterday or the day before.

I have been thinking about what is hard about all of this, apart from the obvious that Luke has gone and is never coming home again. I think it is the thought of the present day and the future without Luke. It is working out who I am now and where I fit into life and society. Surprisingly, it is not as simple as you might think.

When you lose your forever man, you can't fit back into the same space as before. Because you're the wrong shape. You can try but it will feel uncomfortable and wrong. And I believe it is a meant to feel wrong because you can't go back to what was. Because what was is not what is now. I have to find a new place to fit. I have to work out who I am now.

I know that I am described as a widow but what really is a widow and where do they fit? When strangers talk to me and Luke comes up in conversation, being a widow creates some very bizarre reactions and I find myself having to reassure the other person. It's a very weird experience, which I am sure I will suffer many times. But these experiences don't really answer what I am.

I know what I am not. I am not a wife (despite desperately wanting to be Luke's Mrs). If I was a wife this would be a very different blog and Luke and I would be living happily ever after.

I am not technically engaged because Luke has gone and so he is not here to fulfill that promise. But at the same time I love knowing I am Luke's fiance and he chose me.

I am not a girlfriend or in a relationship because Luke isn't here to share life with. He isn't here for me to buy gifts for or to cuddle or kiss. A relationship takes two people and now there is only one.

But I am also not single. I made a promise to Luke and he is my forever man and no one could ever come anywhere near as close to being what Luke is to me. Also if I was single I would be out and about dating and pulling. I would know how to work being single. But being single is a horrible thought and Luke is the man that I want. My heart is intertwined with his (yeah I know very soppy and soft but it's true). So I don't feel single and I don't want to be single.

But that leaves the question, "What am I?" If I am not any of these things then what am I? It's like when your forever man dies you are left in a dark void of no man's land. You are no longer part of a couple or a team. I am also not commitment free because my feelings haven't altered just because our circumstance has. I am Luke's and he was mine. Death hasn't stopped this from being true.

So this makes this the hardest question ever. I am not any of these things and yet strangely I am all of them. I hope that as the days and weeks and then months progress I will work out who I am and where I fit. Because right now I don't belong anywhere and it's very unnerving. I feel very out of control and I hate this feeling.