Taking on the world...one breath and smile at a time

It's half 12 at night and I find myself sat in front of this screen again. Absolutely lost and not sure what to do or where to turn. Many of the people who were around me at the beginning have filtered away. Some good ones have remained and others have just drifted. I think if I had to do this again, I would be more wary and choosy with who I allowed into my very new and vulnerable world. I would be very wary of who I trusted with my friendship. Perhaps if I had done this, I would not have to be redefining friendships and my bubble all over again. But never mind. I am a survivor and I will survive this new shift and new path in my life.

I am beginning work on Monday again. It is very scary but I am not going to think about it. I'm just going to do it. I'm going to tackle work and the daily tasks of life like I handled Luke's funeral and the days that immediately followed losing Luke; on auto pilot and smiling while attempting to focus on the practical things that need doing. I'm going to take each moment as it comes. I'm going to take on each event and situation as it arises.

Don't believe for one second that this is going to be easy or that I will find it easy. Don't believe that I am over Luke or over losing Luke. Don't think for one second that I am not thinking of Luke and us and of everything we are and were. Because that is all I will be thinking of but I will cover all of that with a smile. I will be fighting with all my strength to just put one foot in front of the other. I will be fighting with every breath to hold it together through the endless questions of, "How are you doing now?" Still not sure how to answer that. I'm doing no differently to how I was doing when that woman told me the news about Luke, in a room with no warmth. I will be fighting to retain my focus and I will be fighting to breathe through my return to a 'normal' that was before Luke. But I will do it.

So as I said above...I am not going to think of the whole day. I will take each small moment and deal with that bit. Then I will deal with the next bit and so on. I am not taking on the whole day at once. Just the small moments that piece it together. I hope that Monday is a good day for me. I haven't had a good day yet, so maybe Monday will be my good day.

I have had moments in the day when I have thought, "I can do this. I am going to take on the whole fucking world." And then something will happen and I think, "Bollocks to this." But I am going to continue to try to take on the world and I am going to cut loose the people that are no longer a positive in this life and in this moment. I'm going to cut the unhealthy friendships that don't make me feel good anymore because life is hard enough as it is without having to deal with shit selfish people too. And I am going to smile. I am going to smile my way through the moments.

xxxxxxxxxxx