Surviving a wedding with a broken heart.

I remember a day very clearly in my mind. I was at my older brother's house and it was October 24th 2009. I was sat on the spare bed when my Dad phoned me and told me on the phone that he had been to the doctors and they had found something on his lungs, but they were hoping it was just an infection. I remember thinking that it would be OK. I remember thinking that this stuff doesn't happen to us. The day my Dad got the news about his cancer (mesothelioma) I was at university on one of my final placements. I was on my way to the library and it was dark. Dad called me and told me. I had never heard my Dad cry until that moment.

The next 2 and a half years were a constant battle. Dad had treatment but it wasn't doing anything. We tried as best we could to continue with our lives and to do the things we always wanted to do. My Dad fought hard. During this time I graduated from uni and became a teacher. My Dad was very proud. As was my Mum. My brothers were both married and bought their own homes. And I was the kinda rogue of the family, as I hadn't settled despite my desire to find a guy who would love me the way I deserved. There were quite a few knob-heads on this journey! My Dad watched as I dated endless numbers of guys, often disapproving of most of them! None of which went anywhere. 

But on the 24th July 2011 my life changed course forever. I met Luke Perryman and from the moment I saw him I thought, "This is the man I want to marry." Of course I didn't tell him this. You can't let all the crazy out the bag at once and this particular thought did not need to be said out loud for years! I remember walking across to him as he sat on the bench in the beer garden. He had just bought himself a pint. We always laughed at the fact he did a double take at me. We spent the whole day talking and laughing. I even ended up back at his, although he was gutted it didn't lead to where he wanted it to. 

The following day we met up again and he asked me to be his girlfriend. He later admitted it was because he didn't want anyone else to have me. I remember laying on his chest and thinking that I wanted to be in this place for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. 

Just before our one year anniversary, Luke was sent away to help with the Olympics down in London. During this time, my Dad died. Even now there aren't any words to describe the moment when we had to say good bye to my Dad. Luke was amazing. He made things OK. He was there for me and just being with him and laying with him offered comfort. When my Dad died, I realised that I would never be walked down the aisle by my Dad. No girl should have to live with that. 

After Dad died though, we all thought, if we can get through this then we can survive anything. Because nothing can be as bad as losing your Dad. At least that's what I stupidly thought. We all fought through the next year and Luke and I went from adventure to adventure. Everyday we laughed. and enjoyed being with each other. 

On the 11th August 2013, whilst out in Jamaica, Luke proposed to me and made me the happiest girl alive. I couldn't wait to be Mrs Perryman and be his wifey! We booked our wedding as soon as we were home and started to plan it. We were so excited and my family and I were happy because we had begun to see a light at the end of what had been a very dark tunnel after Dad. 

On 28th June 2014, Luke and I completed the buying of our house! 2014 was going to be the year when things were going to go right. This was the year that was going to be good.  

But on the 15th October 2014 I realised that we are not in control of the lives we must live. Luke was killed in an accident. And our entire world came crashing down around me. All of our promises and dreams died on that day. The next couple of months were spent dismantling our wedding and saying good bye to Luke. I had to take apart our dream of being husband and wife, all on my own. Because Luke was no longer here to help. 

Trying to survive the death of Luke is a challenge in itself but doing this while your wedding day draws closer is beyond words at the moment. I knew that I couldn't just sit the day out. I wanted to sit it out. If I'm honest I want to sit out every day for the rest of my life but that's an entirely different story to write. I knew that if I sat our wedding day out then for the rest of my life for all the years to come, the 23rd December would always be a day of dread and anxiety. I don't want what should be an amazing day to become a day of dread that I hate. 

So I chose to have our wedding rings blessed on this day. This day was going to have something positive about it, even if it took all of my energy and strength to do it. And trust me...it took everything I had. I chose to have my family and close friends with me, as well as Luke's close friends too. I thought it was important to have them there, as their support has been phenomenal. I'm not sure I would have gotten through these past few weeks without them or my family and friends. 

The day itself was a mixture. Some parts were similar to what should have been our wedding day. But other things were completely different because this day was certainly not a wedding.  I wasn't going to bother with my hair or make up because I couldn't stand the thought of sitting in the hairdressers thinking all the time of what should be happening if Luke was still here. But an amazing friend offered to do my hair and make up at my house. I'm glad she did. I chose to have my hair different to my wedding hair though. Not really sure why but I felt it needed to be different. It was important to me that this day was positive and not to mimic what should have been. 

The ring blessing was arranged for the same time that our wedding should have been. This is because it gave me something completely different to focus on. If I hadn't done this, then I would have been clock watching..constantly thinking...

I would be getting in the car now.

I would be arriving at the church.

I wold be walking down the aisle to Luke.

I would be standing with Luke saying our vows.

We would be married.

But I set it for the same time, so that I couldn't clock watch. 

I chose to wear my wedding dress. It was the right choice for me. I don't know why I chose to wear it or even if people thought I'd gone crazy. But wearing it brought me a weird calm comfort. So I wore it. The blessing took place in the house and it was good. It was all the people who love Luke and myself all being together in one place. It gave me strength to get through that day. My Mum was fantastic and sharing the day with her was amazing.

After a while, and after the bbq the family started to leave and the drinking began. The day went fairly quickly and I'm glad. It is by far one of the hardest days I will ever live without Luke. But I couldn't have survived the day if I had done nothing. Our wedding day was definitely not a day to "sit out". I am sure there will be plenty of other days that I will sit out, but not that day. Not our day.

The only advice I can give to surviving your wedding day, when you are missing the most important part and person, is to do something that YOU want to do. There is no right or wrong. The people who truly care and love you, will support you no matter what. For me, doing something positive on this day kept me going until the following morning. I miss Luke every second of every day and I will love him until the day I die. I just wish our 'forever' was a lot longer. xxx