A Path Pre-mapped?

Oh My Days...I'm here again. Everyone is going to be getting bored of reading these but it helps me so here goes. My day today was a very odd day and a very hard day. I slept on the sofa as sleeping upstairs was something I just couldn't do and remained under my blanket until after 1 in the afternoon. Then decided to shower and go to check out tattoos in town. But it was shut and then I felt a little lost and not too sure where to go so I ended up at work. I didn't stay long and then went home. I have felt very out of sorts today. I have felt very lost and very not in control. It's a little like a foggy daze. Nothing is what it should be and I feel as though I'm just drifting in and out of reality.

There is a huge black hole; a massive void that is all around me. Even if I turn away I can see it. I can feel it. If I close my eyes it just suffocates me. I can feel the panic begin to take hold. I try to climb out of it but it just drags me back in. I try to fill it with other things but it just makes the void greater and heavier. There appears to be no reprieve, no release, no escape and no break from this. How the hell do other people do this every day for the rest of their lives??

I look at photos of Luke and I feel angry. I feel so incredibly angry. How can he be gone? How can this have happened to Luke? This sort of thing happens to other people. This stuff happens in films. It doesn't happen to people like Luke. He was the kindest, most genuine, most loving perfect man I'd ever met. No other guy had ever come close to making me feel the way Luke did. I had never loved a man like I loved Luke. And because I loved him so much, because my feelings were so different for him from any other guy I'd been with, I thought this was the real deal that would last forever. And it was the real deal! It just didn't last forever. I thought that if you can feel this way about someone then this is going to last, because nothing could break this feeling. But life is a bitch and will break whatever is good and amazing and perfect. And we were perfect. Luke and I had the life that many others would envy.

We had each other and loved to be with one another. We laughed and joked and made the most of being together. We had good jobs and a beautiful house. We were getting married to be together forever. We were making plans for adventures to come and looking into doing married couple things and just looking forward to an amazing life. We didn't need money. We didn't need anything. We were just so happy and content with our life. We had the life. But it's all gone and all I am left with are material possessions.

I am left with 'things' that don't make me laugh or smile. I am left with 'things' that cannot hold me when I am happy or sad. I am left with 'things' that cannot dance with me and make me feel butterflies in my stomach. I am left with 'things' that I cannot share a life with. I am left with 'things' that I cannot joke with. I am left with 'things' that I cannot tell my secrets to. I am left with 'things' that I cannot whisper "I love you." to and hear the reply of, "I love you too." I am left with 'things' that do not matter. I am left without you.

I never imagined that I would lose my entire world. I never imagined that this pain could exist. I never saw myself walking this particular path. Yet I am. (Well actually I'm kinda crawling along it at the moment and often just sit out on the side but I'm on this path!) My Dad use to say that if the bullet has your name on it then there is nothing you can do. If it's your turn to go then you will go,no matter what. I am beginning to think this may be true.

I used to believe that we chose our lives. I used to believe that we had a say in how our lives mapped out and I used to believe that we chose the paths we would walk. But I am learning more and more that we are not in control of our lives or our journey through it. We cannot control the actions of others or the reactions and chain of events from a source of change.  It is nothing like a ripple in a pond because that is predictable. But life is not predictable. We are not even fully in control of our own reactions to events or the effect they have on us. Many people (and me included before all this happened) say that it's how we handle a situation that defines us and not the situation itself. It's how we react to an event that is important. But we are not in control of how we react. We might know how we WANT to react but it is not that easy, as I am discovering each day, because how we want to react and how we are actually CAPABLE of reacting are usually two entirely different things.

Luke's (no idea which word to use here) was an accident that should not have happened. There was no reason for the accident. It was just an accident and Luke was extremely unlucky with the circumstances that followed. But that's what sucks and that is what is so hard; acknowledging the fragile state in which our lives are suspended. Because our lives and circumstances are fragile and they can be altered and forever molded into something unimaginable and unrecognisable. How can a life come down to luck? How can life be so violently snatched away by an accident? He should have walked away. He should have survived. But he didn't and we are all left with this void and darkness. We are all left like things in a room.

They say love hurts. I disagree with this to an extent. Loving Luke did not hurt. In fact it was a lot of fun and very easy to love Luke. It was the most amazing feeling ever. However, losing love hurts. Losing Luke hurts. It is said that grief is the price we pay for love. It is said that grieving is the last act of love we can show. I guess in that instance, love does hurt. A LOT! But I wouldn't give up loving Luke to avoid this pain. I wouldn't wish to have loved him in any other way or to have loved him any less, just to avoid this feeling now. Instead, I will take this hit of pain if it is a consequence of loving Luke with every part of me. I will accept this pain but not as a sign of love but as a sign of loss. Because love should not and does not hurt. Love is love and is good. Loving Luke was and is good. Every second of loving Luke made my life worthwhile and I would not change that. But losing Luke is painful; and that I would change. I would bring him home so I could love him more.

It is now 2.24am and I should attempt to sleep I guess. I don't like sleeping because it invites another day that I wake up without you. I miss you xxxx